blank canvas

A blank canvas

A gift to have and at the same time scary as hell. You have a life, something you’ve lived for 30 years and then wipe by wipe, false beliefs are being washed off or erased and the deeper to your core you go… you find a few beliefs that to you have been true. Lies of course, but to you they have been so real. You haven’t ever gone there or even admitted it… and then you find it after layer and layer of disposing of the old and lies. It scares you to even ADMIT that you have had that belief all along, so deep rooted.

Yet it’s freeing admitting and working on that lie. Releasing the energy of it while asking yourself what it is you DO believe in and realizing that you get to start with a blank canvas and DESIGN your life following the blue print you were given from birth and consulting with the contractor. YOU get to be the architect.

What if you have no clue how you want it to look? You’ve never had such freedom to just create whatever it is you wanted?! It gets a little overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes you feel so lost because everything you once ‘thought’ you knew…needed to be re-rooted. Sometimes you feel yourself just clawing at things to make you feel a PART of something. You don’t want to feel so blank and empty and alone. So you scurry from one ‘group’ to the other so that you feel part of a community, all while all this is doing for you (and you know it deep down) is distracting you from the blank canvas that you’ve been terrified to lay your paintbrush on. Or laying the first bit of concrete on your foundation.

What if I screw up? What if I choose the wrong color to start with? What if I make the foundation too thick? What if it’s too thin? What if it’s based on more false beliefs and lies and I don’t even realize it until later?

OR

Look at what I get to create! Look what I get to learn and understand on an even deeper level. I get to build such a SOLID foundation that I can just continue to check in with the contractor asking if this and this will hold, or this will make sense in the long run of what I want my design to be. I get to try things out, sketch a few here and there and see what connects and feels light and true.

Alright, that was a little vague, just wanted to paint a little picture for ya;)

I want to get real here. Real is sometimes scary. Especially when people you KNOW may read it. haha. And especially when I’m wanting to start my mentoring programs. (She STILL has struggles? Is she really even gonna know how to mentor me?! 😉 )

My intent from the beginning of Fuel Love was to be authentic to be real. Not to sugar coat anything I’m going through. I feel like we have turned into a society that ‘get’s real’ but it’s almost turned into a ‘cool’ thing while STILL not allowing ourselves to get REALLY real and connect on that deeper level of, ‘Hey I totally get you. I have had those same thoughts and feelings and it sucks, huh?’ ‘What did you do to get through it?’ And then develop those kinds of relationships that our souls crave: ‘legit non-judgmental, we all have feelings, not scared to share our struggles, show up completely as US, and have fun’ kind of relationships. NEVER thinking that anyone’s experience is less than or not right, etc etc. Just straight up REAL and HONEST and OPEN relationships.

In the last week, I’ve been working through what I feel like was at the core of my false beliefs and lies that I have picked up throughout my life and experiences and energy that I’ve carried with me.

When it popped up and came to the forefront of my attention it made SOOO much sense but then the further and further I went, I almost couldn’t believe what was there.

My ego has been having a hay day with these.

I’ve struggled with feeling worthy enough, deserving enough of the thing I truly want. I’ve struggled with feeling like I have something to actually share with the world. I’ve been working through that a TON.

Never actually DOING anything with Fuel Love because remnants of those dang beliefs keep popping up and paralyzing me.

‘I can’t do this. Who am I to mentor people? Who will even listen? Who will even want to invest in what I have to offer? Do I even have enough to offer?’

Well guess what? I haven’t allowed myself to even find out because I keep pushing back the dang leap! Thinking ‘I have to go to just one more seminar, I need to mentor with just one more person, I need to run a few more free groups and work with a few more people that will just let me use them as guinea pigs just to make sure I’ve got enough stuff to offer’ rather than just DOING and taking that leap.

I know they’re all lies and false. I DO know that. I HAVE come a long way in that.

Sooo… you want to know what the core beliefs I found the other night while listening to a mentors audio?

It hit me smack between the eyes. In the moment I almost felt a sense of relief! I had become aware of something HUGE that had been stuck deep down. I also started sobbing because it all the sudden made so much sense as to the struggle that I have created in my mind.

I had a deep down belief that love wasn’t real. It was all a joke. All a facade. All fake.

I sat in a moment of awe and disbelief and ‘NO WAY! I didn’t even realize that’ and excitement to finally move PAST that.

But then I got to thinking. Further and further. If I didn’t believe love was real. What do I even believe in at all? Love is in EVERYTHING. God is love. Then ya, I went there……. Do I have a lie deep down that I don’t even believe in God???

THAT is the one that I was afraid to admit. All my life I’ve been taught about Heavenly Father and Christ so here I am admitting to having a lie and false belief so deep in my core that I may not even believe in them. Or even think it was real. You can imagine where my mind went after that.. Scared to even mention that to ANYONE. They’re totally gonna think I’ve gone WAY nutso now. Etc. Etc.

But no, I’m not saying it’s true. Yet it was there and for me it was real. A belief that love wasn’t real, that God wasn’t real. So of course when I’ve tried to create everything I’ve wanted… Ego likes to jump in and take control of that one… ‘ya you’re right Janica.. you can’t ever have the type of relationship you want, you can’t ever be successful, you won’t ever be enough or have enough because you don’t even believe ANY of it exists’.

Feels gross and heavy, right? YA! Cuz it’s not true. And I know it and have been working through ridding myself of that deep core energy and belief that I’ve been carrying around with me for who knows how long.

BUT for a brief moment I allowed myself to go there and to REALLY feel what was going on with those beliefs. I had to have a ‘come to Jesus moment’ where I sat down and wrote out all my questions and then connected to the Divine and started asking away and writing out the TRUTHS that I know and as I felt them.

I started out with my blank canvas.

I know God is real.

I know Love is real.

I am here because of God and because of Love.

I have a lot to offer and people value it.

I am free to love myself and others and enjoy life.

I am worthy and deserving of success.

THOSE are truths.

Everything else that I have carried that counters that… they’re all lies. Yet for me, they felt real. They kept me scared, hidden, terrified, and paralyzed to speak up, do and be me.

I am grateful for everything that I have gone through, experienced, have been taught, and learned that has helped me choose to change those beliefs, to get rid of the energy of carrying them around to ALLOW myself to play full out in what I’m meant to do and be and live and love in this life.

And because of that, THAT is why Fuel Love was started in the first place. I know how it feels to be in that space of guilt, fear, confusion, trying SOO hard to fit in or be JUST like someone else. Not knowing what my path is, but just wanting soo bad to feel happy and KNOW who I was. It’s exhausting and it’s not full of anything light.

I want to help bridge that gap of living life with those thoughts constantly to ——> KNOWING who you are to the very depths of who you are and BEING that person. Being able to be so confident in living what brings you most joy, love, and being able to be happy dang it!

So, what would you create with your blank canvas or your newly purchased lot?!

Life does NOT have to be such a struggle to live a crazy happy, fulfilled, FUN life.

It does start with YOU though. Everything that you’re subconsciously trying to search for or attract in your life will NEVER fulfill what you’re searching for or not liking on the inside (and that is where we usually don’t like to admit needs changing)

Your outside world is a reflection of your inner world and THAT is why ‘self-love’ is so so so important. You will never be content until you are completely in love with YOU and who you are and allow and help others to learn and do the same.

SOOO guess what?!

Starting in the new year I’m going to be offering a few different options!! Whoop whoop!! I’m excited about this. THIS is my true passion. Transformation from the inside out with all the working pieces in harmony.

I’ll be offering group mentoring as well as one on one mentoring (!!!) and my Fuel Love Guide will be revamped to a more hands on experience and not just reading reading reading 😀 It finally feels like ME and what I’ve wanted it to be but never allowed myself to be patient enough to create it exactly how it felt it needed to be in the first place. ha!

Be on the lookout for that!

Yay for learning and growth and digging out our own inner crap to live the life we want to live 🙂