I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. How hard it is to be transparent with ourselves to the core. We’re afraid of what others will think of us or feel about us when we share things we’ve been through or things we’ve done.
But what about ourselves? Maybe it’s hard to open to others because we have yet to fully open up to ourselves.
The shame, guilt, and fear that has been attached to our feelings. Telling us that we’re bad or wrong if we feel certain things. Even if we THINK certain things. What a special kind of hell we have created in society. Basically telling our humanness that it is wrong.
No wonder we feel lost. No wonder we feel insecure. No wonder we feel so disconnected. Because we’ve been further and further distancing ourselves from ourselves and searching for that in others!
I’ve been diving down into some uncomfortable feelings that have surfaced. Because they’re ready to be seen. They’re ready to be heard. And they’re ready to heal.
I’ve avoided it for SO LONG. It’s still painful to address within my heart. And I’m navigating it. Letting it come up as it needs to. Being angry that it’s there and being okay with the anger. Because that wants to be heard also. Noticing the guilt and shame that has attached itself to the feeling because of teachings from others all throughout my life.
This is what I’m learning the most:
My journey is my journey and it’s literally perfect. Perfect in the sense of every heartache, every mess, every joy, every laugh, every meeting, every connection, every trip, every fall, every controlling moment…. It is all divinely aligned. It is all in perfect timing.
How? Because each instance is showing up exactly how it’s needed for my growth. For my awareness. For my understanding. Bringing me back home. Closer to my blueprint. Closer to who I have always been, it’s just my awareness is merging.
Even something that I have now, honoring the fact that when I first made the choice to have it, deep down I wasn’t ready and wasn’t even sure I wanted it. At all.
Flowing through the feelings of resentment, love, forgiveness, grief, surrendering, understanding of NOW.
And then seeing more and more the perfection of guidance from the Divine. Knowing what we said yes to before we even came to this planet, Mother Earth.
It’s been a journey of giving voice to the times that I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I couldn’t voice what I wanted. In fear. In guilt. In shame.
Now, I get to hold myself in each of those instances. Becoming my strongest support, comfort, and love in those times.
It’s OKAY that those thoughts were there. It’s okay that I’ve deep down held resentment towards it and that its been one of the most painful things navigating those mixed with the amount of love I have for it now. It’s been a crazy set of emotions all at the same time. Feeling massive grief that I even let those feelings come to the surface.
And. It’s. All. Okay.
It DOESN’T make me a bad person. It doesn’t make any of those feelings wrong. I am allowing myself to be more and more ME.
Its such a HUGE sense of relief and freedom. No longer choking down things that were screaming to be heard. That’s all. My younger self wanted to be recognized for all the times she stuffed down what felt close to her heart. All the times she said yes when deep down, it was a no. All the times she was confused because naturally some things didn’t resonate but she didn’t understand enough at the time and was doing the best she could.
And it’s all perfectly in alignment.
And the more and more I release tension on holding back whats ready to burst up and out, I see the beauty IN our humanness. These experiences we chose into to feel and to live and to indulge in at our own will.
We crave ‘getting naked’ with others. To be listened to and heard. To be seen and SEEN. To be heard and held. To be honored in our complete wholeness of all the experiences that have helped bring us back home to who we each are.
To do that, we have to ‘get naked’ with ourselves first.
if you quiet your mind, your heart and body will speak to you.
The last few weeks, I’ve had a big ‘jolt’ awake. A ‘dark night of the soul’ experience. Another death and rebirth.
Deep down I could feel it coming. I needed it, but I’m pretty sure I was terrified and avoiding the feeling of what I knew was about to happen. My body had been in more pain than typical. Relentless. And it wasn’t getting better.
…I was ‘on a roll’ or so I quasi thought. My body AND my heart had been speaking to me, I just wasn’t fully listening. I’d have a nudge here.. nope, push that one down. I’d have a nudge there… nope, push THAT one down.
This one, I did listen to. While my ego was being the master at shoving the little nudges of guidance here and there, I had kept having the feeling to set up a Reiki session with Amy who has worked on me a handful of times. I hear those loud and clear. I know when I need help outside of my own healing.
The timing wasn’t exactly lining up until the second week in Feb. My body, mind, and soul were craving it. I knew there were things that I had been ignoring that were screaming to be seen.
The session came… and the flood gates were opened. My heart was ready for the opening, but it felt so so raw. Pain that I’ve been working through and carrying. The times I’ve tried so hard to make certain people in my life proud of me. Feeling like I’m fighting up stream with all the energy ‘surrounding me’ by certain people in my life because I’m not living life the way that they see it ‘should be lived’.
My ‘strong mask’ was called out. Where and with whom I shared my energy was called out. In the most loving ways possible.
‘You get to start stating how you really feel. Telling people you’re fine, when you’re really not, when you feel broken inside and are questioning your worth…every time you do that and put your ‘strong mask’ on, your energy and power drop by 10%.
Be very purposeful about who you chose to spend time with. And pay very close attention to how your body feels around them and how you feel deep down.’
So, I took one massive step back from life. I had to. I couldn’t continue on how I had been.
My body forced my mind and heart to go into a state of deep rest. But I was fighting it. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I felt so alone. Emotions moving up and out. It had a familiar sting to it from 3 1/2 years ago. The experience of going through the divorce and EVERYTHING that came with it. I didn’t want to do this. Face demons I’ve been harboring, emotions I’ve buried deep under the ground. MY realities. Feel pain and experiences that I’ve been avoiding for years.
Pain attached to fear, attached to beliefs about yourself not in love, drags you to the lowest low. It brings you to a place where even when you KNOW you need help to pull you out of this mindset, you still feel so stupid reaching out for help. It rears an ugly grip.
The stigma around it. The fears we as a society have been taught. That we’re not strong. Or you’re just looking for attention. Or there’s no way out. You’ll feel this way forever.
My older sister and I made a pledge those few years back. We are each others phone call when we get to that point. I had been here twice before.
But this time felt a little different or weird. I couldn’t get myself to call, I felt so stupid that I was at this point. So I just text.
‘Shanae I need help. Extra love or light or something…’
I ugly cried and sobbed/talked it out, feeling so hopeless, sitting in a Smith’s parking lot. I felt so lost. I felt sooo worthless. All the internal dialogue that had made it’s way and I had let make up home in my mind all came up at once. By one little SMALL trigger. And that’s why I felt so stupid for plummeting SO fast and so hard.
‘You’re unlovable. You’re not worth supporting. No one actually really likes you behind your back. You’re the worst person ever. You’ve been trying so hard, and it’ll never be enough.’
I was sick of trying. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was tired. That mask… tired of trying to be strong. Tired of being strong. I literally felt like my strength had run out. Tired of holding onto the fact that I couldn’t get over trying to make certain people proud of me, and feeling like all they really wanted me to do was fail.
I HAD to get some groceries for the littles, so I made my way through Smiths, when an earthly angel called me at the perfect timing as I was driving home to my babies.
Jen helped me clear a lot of what had come up and was coming up. She supported me, listened to me and was just there for me. Not trying to fix anything. Just reminding me that I was loved and to give myself permission to allow ALL of the feelings to flow up and out. No judgement just letting them go and honoring them as they did.
The next few days was spent in bed. My body felt like it physically had been through the ringer. So I worked on more emotional, mental, and spiritual releasing. Writing forgiveness letters, stating my intentions for what I REALLY want in life. Checking in with my energy. Trying things on energetically to see how they all felt.
I was in such a vulnerable space, heart wide open, no where to go but up and I wanted to be in 100% alignment with who and what and how I spent my energy and time.
It’s like when you move into a new house. You have everything in boxes still from the old place and you’re figuring out where to put everything. Deciding if you really wanna keep everything you’ve brought with you to this point.
Trying it out, but paying very close attention to how everything feels as you place it in each drawer or cupboard.
Even to the point of just looking at things from a distance, being the observer of how each of those pieces of Tupperware and kitchenware have played a part in your life.
You start to see the reality. YOUR reality. The truth you’ve been hiding from. Yet you still sit and stare from across the kitchen because your heart. Oh how your heart is ready to stay open, so you really only let in things that are a HELL YES to your energy. And had already been. The questionables still sit in the box. Not making them wrong or bad, but seeing their place in your space.
Since then I have been taking very intentional steps daily. Just letting myself be. Processing and integrating. Going with the flow and doing things that bring me joy or where my heart felt safe to stay open.
I went to a sound bath that stirred something up from a couple years ago…, I messaged a friend to have lunch.
Doing a few nights of personal card readings. Receiving more guidance. Pulling back all of my own energy to me. It felt like all day insights and reminders were coming to me, about me and how I had been living the past year specifically.
—>I had spent A LOT of time listening to others advice and trying to make their WHOLE persona mine. Not wanting to be ‘wrong’ about how I was living my life. Terrified to hurt others. Fearful that I would be completely abandoned. Taking on others very confident truths as my own. Saying yes to a lot of things that I didn’t really care for, but also didn’t care enough to say no. I wasn’t listening to MY body. And I was doing a lot of conscious hovering ABOVE my body but not being all the way connected to and IN it.
I was starting to drift further away from listening to my heart and how it was trying to guide me all along. As simple as doing little things that brought me joy. <—
More forgiveness work. A lot towards myself. Calling ALL of me back.
I started to get stronger and more pronounced nudges from my guides and angels. Leading me to someone I had never had a reading done with before. I’m always super picky about who I have work on me and my energy, and I just knew she had something for me.
It was the coolest reading. Everything felt like it was ticking back into full alignment. Gears were being shifted, conscious was being brought back to the forefront of things I had known from the past. Clearer understanding of those and who I am. My purpose.
Feeling so supported and seen and heard. Reminding me of the never ending support from the other side.
SURRENDERING everything up to this point that I’ve been holding onto with so much grief, pain, and shame about. I was doing the best I could with what I knew and understood at that time. And I am ALWAYS in the right place at the right time. We all are.
Yet it was also time for me to REALLY honor the feelings that I haven’t allowed myself to honor and feel. To get really real about my life up to this point. What I chose, how I felt in all my choices, not feeling like I had real choices. Letting even deeper pain and anger out.
Following my intuition to things that would help me do that. Journaling, watching specific movies, sending thank you’s to certain people, more forgiveness work, and writing letters that I would never send. And most importantly, connecting back to my voice, my heart, and following my bliss.
These things ALL helped the deeper feelings surface to be able to really feel them for the first time and led to a space of healing further.
It was 3 weeks of the most intense energy ever. I finally feel like my head is above ground. Not quite fully out. Still integrating and getting to know this ‘new’ me, that has always been there 😉
Really for the first time, being 100% aware and honoring my energy. Making simple shifts here and there where I used to people please in the littlest of ways and seeing how those did effect me.
My body, the amazing vessel that it is. I’ve had some HUGE shifts with the pain JUST by honoring, allowing, feeling, surrendering and letting the deep stuff go.
Grounding INTO my body daily. Your body will never deceive you. It will never abandon you. When you shut your heart and intuition down, your body still speaks.
My body spoke and it led me down to the deepest depths to show me where the lightest light was residing.
Gratitude for the journey I’ve been on. Gratitude for the simple message from someone who just happened to feel a feeling to say they loved me while I was in the middle of it. Nothing is too small or simple in life.
It is all leading us, it is all guiding us. We are all on this journey together, walking our specific paths but always walking together and walking each other home.
You ARE loved. You ARE guided. You have SUCH a massive support system beyond the veil. You ARE different and it’s freaking amazing. All these feelings you’re having are for a reason. To show you, to lead you to your brightness.
You are needed.
and you are ALWAYS always worthy, just by being YOU. You RIGHT now is good enough. In this moment and always.
I used to think that once I healed a certain part of me that it was gone forever. That I wouldn’t ever return to working through it. To a certain extent it may be true. Yet I’m speaking to those things that we know our souls came down to learn specifically, individually.
The more and more I work with different clients, the more I understand and see one main thing. That we all have a handful of ‘our things’ ‘our main lessons’ the things we personally struggle with most. And even if the struggles ARE the same, the experiences with which we have gone through them differ. And at the same time help us connect BECAUSE our struggles are the same.
Is it one and done with those struggles. Nope. And believe me I was so annoyed when I realized that wasn’t my truth. haha.
Nature shows us this in a lot of things. Life is like a spiral. You keep on coming back around to the ‘same struggle’ at different lengths and to different depths through different experiences.
All in all in the name of love. What we go through is personally showing and teaching us; reaction, understanding, compassion, connection (to our ancestors and those coming after us), ebb and flow, rest, reflection, peace, passion, intuition, and lots of other amazing things.
Each go round with each struggle also shows us an ever deeper side to our beauty and what makes us US.
It’s not there to torture us. (As I so thought in the beginning) It is there to ultimately bring us back to love. To observance as spiritual beings having this earthly experience. To choose into joy NOW. And seeing that it is possible.
A huge realization came to the forefront today. Little piece by little piece of heaven sent signs, podcasts, posts, friends… it bubbled up to the surface.
The last few days being around friends, they’ve asked how I was doing. My response was that I was overall good. Not amazingly happy, but nothing was majorly wrong either. Work was going really well, I’ve been healthy. Yet my insides have felt honestly, really sh*tty.
I’ve been able to tag things here and there to what was going on but nothing could edge the overall gloom that was lingering inside.
To the point of where it was bringing me back around to another cycle of wanting to be gone. Disappear so I wouldn’t have to feel what I’ve been feeling inside. Then people ‘would celebrate and remember all the good things about me’ and not how crappy I’ve felt about myself deep down on the inside.
Then today…I started to marco someone who I knew I could just talk and they wouldn’t automatically coach me or try to ‘fix it’ in response. I really needed to talk to someone. As I began to explain what’s been going on and then talking about a realization I had…more and more and more of it came up.
The overall theme?
Imagine a glass jar filled with water, with about a half inch of sand at the bottom. It’s felt like someone came along and just shook that jar like mad. I feel like every piece of my life is up suspended in air. Nothing feels grounded, nothing feels ‘sure’. My insides feel like chaos.
I do see the beauty in that. Yet sometimes when you’re in the middle of the ‘murky’ water it doesn’t seem so beautiful. It feels a helluva lot like you’re losing you’re freaking mind and not quite sure how to calm the internal seas with this one.
I’ve had pieces here and there go rogue, but feeling like it ALL is up in the air. Well, for this girl who likes to see things and organize them into alignment. It has been a massive struggle that I can’t even put into physical words.
I’m learning to step into the feminine and TRUST the flow. Integrating it into the masculine of doing.
What have I been trying to fill my time with instead of sitting in the suspension? Other peoples lives. Helping others align and figure out their lives and desire and paths. And not in work either. Friends or even strangers.
I’ve been playing this game of… well I sure as hell can’t figure out or organize my life right now so I’m going to just put that to bed, close the door, and go see who else’s life I can help.
AND I found another layer to THAT! I wanted to help them navigate their lives and be there for them 100% as things went whack or pain moments came in because of my own past experiences.
I didn’t plan for my life to go the way it has. I didn’t see it coming. And I’ve been carrying this belief around that if I HAD it wouldn’t have been so painful. I could have prepared myself for the abandonment I felt from those closest to me and then it wouldn’t have hurt so bad.
And ANOTHER layer into that that showed up, is how much I’ve been protecting my heart the last few years. How I haven’t wanted too many people in my circle. Yes on one aspect I’m protective of who I spend the majority of my time with but on this hand. I didn’t want too many people in close proximity of really getting to know me.
Why? Because I can’t see what’s coming, so I can’t protect you OR me. I don’t want anyone to feel pain because of ME. Even though I KNOW it’s because of their experiences/perspectives/perceptions/choices that they feel pain. And I share about pain and love and what is ‘really’ happening. I STILL STRUGGLE with it myself. And yes maybe I dont understand it fully because I still struggle with it, but again this is one thing on my spiral.
I love people so deeply that I hate to see them go through and feel pain. And if I can do whatever I can to help that. Man oh man I will.
And here’s another interesting thing coming up with all of this is that, I know I get to learn how to love myself and be that person for myself while going through struggles etc. Yet I crave having that support knowing I’m not alone and not crazy and just someone to hold me when I feel like I have no clue what’s happening and just want to cry.
Basically I want it all. haha. I want to be strong and independent but by goly I want that person by my side, too. And I can have both. I’ve been working on going with the flow with what I want and being okay if it’s on both extreme ends.
Back to the point…I’ve been so focused on helping others connect to and ‘see’ what lies ahead because I haven’t been there for myself. I don’t want others to feel the pain I’ve felt. BUT I CAN’T STOP IT. And I know that. I know that life is meant to have experiences. And a lot of them wont be amazing. But what I also know is that we DON’T have to experience so much pain. WHEN we understand ourselves.
My jar that was shaken to crap? Thats me not falling into alignment with what I know connected to past belief and letting those past beliefs GO.
They’re not me anymore. Yes I went through what I went through. But I’m not the same person. And my knowledge has grown. Can I let the fear down now? Yes. Have I before now, no.
I haven’t allowed myself to ground into who I am now. I’ve been fragmented pieces of all the persons from the past.
And funny enough I’m seeing it now. What we go through in one aspect of our life is connected to all. My inside feel fragmented and murky because they are.
I’m in a phase of REALLY stepping into the pieces that feel good in the NOW. Not even the pieces of me that felt good in the past. Those are no longer present day Janica. And I’ve felt like I was losing a sense and or part of who I am by doing that. Nope. I’m not. That is the beauty of detaching. The only REAL truth is in the NOW. What is happening now. The present moment.
WHA?? Meaning I can let go of my, control of the future freak, part of me? 😉
Yes, yes I can. Because if I REALLY trusted, I would know that I am always supported. And just because I question, doesn’t mean I still wont be supported. Because I’m worthy no matter what.
Even if I question. Even if I doubt. I’m still enough. I’m still worthy. I will still be taken care of and supported. I get to receive that, and I also get to BE that for myself.
The beauty in awareness, is knowing your struggles. Recognizing them when they come. Holding them in the space of compassion and understanding. And even if it takes you months until something hits you upside the head;) Understand that even THAT whole process is helping in the love and compassion department even if you wanna kick yourself.
Issss alll gooood. Oi.
Time to put up reminders everywhere and affirm them into my subconscious. And to freaking lettttt go and relllllaxxxxxx.
Because I am always supported. I am always guided and I am always loved.
Being my ‘fittest’ and hating who I was. Being ‘bigger’ and loving who I was. And also, being my ‘fittest’ and loving who I was and being ‘bigger’ and hating who I was…
Thinking a lot about health the last couple weeks. The last year I haven’t focused on health, like I used to. Really at all. I’ve kind of been going through a ‘rebellion’ stage with what I had known. I was learning a lot of new things and ways of being and shifting.
Basically everything that I once knew, was being shaken up and tossed into the air. Allowing me to really look at what resonated and what didn’t. Working through A LOT of common beliefs. Trying new energetic things and undoing a lot of my personal beliefs and conditioning surrounding my body and food.
Yet I have this habit 🙂 I get so focused on something and a way of being that if it starts to go awry, I start to question myself if I’m doing it right, what happened etc. Instead of going with the flow. Something I’m constantly working on the awareness of. So it’s been quite the journey.
The journey of letting go of things that are not true for me. Searching and rediscovering what our bodies are meant to do and the spiritual-ness surrounding it all. It’s had it’s ups and downs. Times where I felt so in sync and times when I just wanted to give up and not care. There were lots of times this year of that. Because sometimes the conscious collective energy gets to be exhausting. These ‘ideals’ and overwhelming billboards and media and ‘what’s healthy and beautiful’ etc. etc.
I put this collage together to depict a lot of that. Times when I was super ‘fit’ in my eyes and still hating myself on the inside and my look. Times when I was ‘larger’ than I had ever been in a swimsuit with first time a lot of visual cellulite etc etc and felt soo good and confident in my own skin.
Then there are times when I was post baby and size 14/16 that I hated myself and then went through an eating disorder period because of it.
And then there are times where again I was super fit in my eyes and was loving life, feeling good about myself, finding the joy in life.
To sum it up…No matter what I looked like on the outside it NEVER changed the way I felt about myself on the inside. Size 14/16, more muscle than ever, size 8 and fit, didn’t matter. Yet how I felt on the INSIDE radically changed my view of myself on the outside NO MATTER THE SIZE.
It was how much joy I was experiencing on the INSIDE that changed how I felt about myself as a WHOLE. This past summer I went on a few different Powell trips around a lot of people I didn’t know beforehand, not the most fit I’ve ever been. Noticeable cellulite for the first time and I loved myself and my body because of what I was creating happiness wise IN my life.
Few months later, not listening to inner guidance, STILL the same size and all the sudden I looked at myself like I was gross, because my INSIDES felt gross.
And of course, I knew these things correlated but apparently I wanted to experience it;) But my strength was waaaay declined. Playing in the flag football and basketball leagues I did I was tired all the time, couldn’t keep up like normal, injuries were more apparent and came a lot more frequent. I just felt BLAH.
How I VIEWED my outsides were matching my insides.
It doesn’t matter what size we are. As long as we feel healthy inside and out to OURSELVES. What does our mind feel like? How strong does our body feel? How do I feel about who I am as a person? Am I seeing the joy in daily life? Am I creating and doing those things that make my whole being happy?
And let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with sculpting your body the way you want and loving that. I love to lift, I have a certain way that I do love when my body looks like that. Yet it never feels good to ME, unless my mind is healthy and sculpted right along with it.
It all has a purpose. It’s all intertwined. Taking care of our physical bodies, mental bodies, emotional bodies and spiritual bodies. At the end of the day, it only matters how we feel about ourselves on the inside that will be a ripple effect of everything in our lives that we envision and create on the outside. (more than just our bodies;) )
Our bodies are amazing. The journeys we take with them right along with all of it are just as amazing. We get to have compassion, we get to heal all the pain that we’ve said and thought about them. They’re literally just thousands of frequency and vibrations of energy moving around to what our minds think and believe. We are the creators of these gorgeous vehicles we get to experience this life in.
And what we get to remember is that it’s all relative. You get to create what YOU like. Aside from programmed beliefs and conditions, what is it that you want and like because YOU like and want it?: body wise, life wise.
It’s time we get to really celebrate and understand what we can create with them and HOW we can create them. I’m in…are you ? 🙂
I came face to face in the mirror with a part of me that was in some serious lock down. That puppy was subconsciously secure!
And now that we’ve made best friends, I can recall MANY instances where she’s knocked on my door but I didn’t fully recognize her looking through the peep hole. So she stayed outside. Wasn’t invited in.
I was at the Unlikely event, put on by Michael Marcial, and all the speakers kept touching on tidbits that were de ja vu-y moments.
-Be you. Time to show up. Lead with your heart. You’re meant to do what you know you are. Why aren’t you DOING it? Create those relationships. It’s time. Everything is incredible.-
New Year’s Day…she came to play. For reals this time. A few events leading up to that morning widened the peep hole. Juuuust big enough to tilt my head sideways. Oh it’s YOU.
So why do I feel like I have the last year? Where did my passion go? My zest for life? Why have I been so tired? Why do I want to give up on my dreams? Why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?
I felt it before so why has it been so damn hard to feel it and connect and just fly.
We had just finished watching one of the most inspirational videos ever and I had to give everything I had to not audibly burst into tears. I had to stay and finish listening to what Tyler Bastian had to say, I couldn’t miss anything. Right when he was done I left to the bathroom where not surprising but the angel who had been sitting next to me who I had yet to officially meet was walking out. We made eye contact and it just came. She hugged me and I basically told her I was gonna be a minute. The flood was coming and it was ready to be let go.
I sat in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a good 10 minutes. Not even knowing why. Just letting it out. I could only stay in the stall for so long because there were women coming in and out 😂 so I found a place down the hall in a corner and just sank to the floor and bawled some more. It felt. So. Good.
I was watching the snow fall outside the window and then it hit me. It was as if myself from the past and my higher self showed up in my minds eye and said, ‘Why do you keep abandoning yourself? You show up for everyone else. You make sure that everyone else is taken care of. It’s time you REALLY get to start showing up for YOU. It’s time to make those dreams a reality.’
…Over the course of the last week a big awareness has shown up. WHY I have been stuck in this same cycle. In my close relationships, both romantic and not, I get so immersed in showing up for them. Then I start feeling tired and depressed and feeling like somethings wrong with me. Feeling further and further away from ‘me’. Then when I’ve taken a step back, magic immediately happens. Life is in sync, sessions get full, I feel like me again… then I start connecting to what they may be going through and have usually jumped back in to ‘save’ mode. Not wanting people to hate me, wanting them to understand why I am doing what I’m doing. Wanting to clear the air and make sure they’re okay.
Because of who I am. And how I conditioned myself when I was younger.
I am a deeply feeling empath. I have clear and very strong intuition.
When I interact with people it’s almost as if I can ‘see’ all of their information floating above and around their body. I can feel and sense everything that’s going on. How this looks in relationships and how I’ve conditioned myself is…
If I’m having a convo with someone and a decision is involved, or they need help, or they’re struggling emotionally…
I have done 2 things: analyze all the possible outcomes of what my responses could be and how it would affect them according to what is showing up emotionally for them and then choose which one would get the least painful response. Whether it was subconscious or not. Basically making sure they are comfortable and instantly mind mapping all the ways to keep their heart at bay. Feeling their fears and pain and doing whatever I can to work around that. And this is all done in a matter of seconds. 😳 WTF, right?!
I wasn’t purposefully doing this on a fully conscious level. What I had conditioned myself to do because of my gifts is give others what THEY needed. To make sure they knew they were loved and cared about. I would perceive the potential hurt and try to make sure it didn’t happen or at least throw a fluffy pillow under them.
Because I could/can literally see and feel all of their pain and subconscious programming.
This awareness made me want to puke and celebrate and cry and feel free.
Codependent much? Attachment issues much? Control issues…Holy. Moly. On a layer I had worked through those but this one was a good core root. Geez!
When it has come to big decisions and following my heart and what’s best, I‘ve done ‘well’ the last few years. The day to day relationships and choices. That’s where it has gotten me and I’ve been hurting myself because of it.
Always worrying about what others may think of me. People pleasing. ‘Managing’ others emotions so you don’t trigger them and then they don’t like you 🙄.
We all have our biggest messes. This is mine. And one I’m constantly digging deeper and deeper and this has felt like a huge uproot.
I haven’t known how to be around people this last week. As silly as that sounds. As I’ve been delving into this and watching how I’m responding to the experience and checking in with myself daily when thoughts come up…I’ve needed ‘protection’ so to speak. I’ve needed seclusion to build my 100% alignment muscle. To know EXACTLY what saying yes to ME feels like before I venture out into relationships again.
Healing the parts of me that needed to do that when I was a younger girl. Finding the root of why and when it started.
I get to learn at a deeper level and practice how to be me without feeling horrible about it! Guys! I know some of you may think it’s easy to communicate straight up, but when you can feel everything! Even when the other person may not be aware. It ain’t easy.
Now that I have the awareness of what I was doing, I get to now integrate that with everything else I’ve learned.
I used to wish this part of me away. Feeling everything at such an intense and deep level. It’s been debilitating at times and I’ve felt super alone because of it. I’ve felt crazy and insane.
But it’s who I am. And I’ve cultivated it and strengthened it because I know I’m meant to help others walk through the depths and help them connect to ALL of who they are. Being able to see the beauty in what makes them THEM. And be CONFIDENT about choosing them!
These are some of my biggest take aways and I know you empaths will relate.
You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to try and help someone understand. You don’t have to explain. It sounds harsh but it’s truth.
How we work through things…we all do it differently. You get to learn how it feels and works to be 100% YOU. And if you have to retreat to figure it out so you don’t keep abandoning yourself and so you don’t make things worse. You do you boo.
It is YOURS to work through. You get to do it with how works best for you. You’re working through trauma, you’re working through years of programming. Undoing it can be messy and unpredictable and if you don’t feel safe around anyone. You don’t have to be around anyone! And you don’t have to feel bad about it.
You don’t have to worry if no one understands. Your people- will get it.
You. Get. To. Do. Whats. Best. For. You.
It will create better relationships. It will create a better relationship with yourself.
FIRST show up for you. That’s where the magic happens.
I have a really fun cycle that I’ve been playing on repeat for the past 5 years.
Get excited about sharing my passions and finally knowing what that is, starting a page, instagram, blogpost, etc. etc. then two weeks later…SQUIRREL. I put it all to the side and jump in creating something with someone else or a group of people.
Now even though I would do that… I know everything had its purpose. Within all of it there were multiple lessons that my soul was needing and wanting to learn.
AND I’ve been excited and passionate about all of them.
Here’s where it always got interesting. The moment I would chose into creating with others…I could feel this longing, this tugging that I couldn’t ignore. Leading me back to my personal stuff that I had started to create over and over again.
So then I’d take a few steps back from the group creation mode to readjust and come into alignment with myself again. It was almost a tug of war of sorts. But I couldn’t deny the pull that has always brought me back to being me and sharing what I do.
Caveat in all of that. That little inner voice would immediately stick it’s head to the forefront and say, ‘You’re too terrified to do it ‘on your own” ‘You do better when you do videos with others’ ‘You don’t know how’ ‘You’ve started how many times now?’ ‘You really think you can do this?’
All of those plus not believing in myself even though I’ve been continually working on myself and those beliefs. Here’s the crazy thing… yes I’ve been ‘doing the inner work’ but I hadn’t dared put it to ‘test’ so to speak.
I wouldn’t even TRY! Because I was afraid those would still be true! My fear was overpowering my KNOWING. I wasn’t allowing myself to be and show up as the ‘new me’. The one that has been in constant shifting, allowing, receiving, letting go of, and honoring. I knew I was different but I wasn’t even giving MYSELF a chance.
Today that changed. I went live by myself. I let go of all the ‘shoulds’ of making videos and going live and etc. etc. I let myself be me.
Did I mess up on words? yes. Did it go way longer than planned? yes. Did I rewatch it and analyze what I could have done better? yes.
YET… I RE-WATCHED it! Never before did I ever want to re-watch a video of myself. AND It felt sooo good to actually do it. I was proud of myself.
Did it take a minute to actually share it and let people know that it was even there? yes. Yet I did it. And I was more confident in myself than I have ever been by myself on video.
Was I still nervous to do it? OH HELL YES. I almost didn’t, yet I did.
I would have NEVER allowed myself to be in the present time of who I am and all the work I’ve done on myself if I would have never tried.
And the best part of all is seeing how far I’ve come and allowing myself to celebrate it all! Not picking it apart like crazy, not beating myself up, not threatening to delete it and start all over, and not thinking how ridiculous or off the wall or crazy I may sound. haha.
I am me. I am finally celebrating me and allowing myself to show up how I show up in every moment. And I would have never known…unless I allowed myself to try.
It’s been a long minute since I’ve written anything. It’s been a major hot minute since I’ve felt completely authentic with myself.
Some massive fears and head talk has been going on. And it’s time to put a name to them. So I can own them, release and heal them. So here it is.
There have been certain things that I haven’t talked about or shared. Completely surrounded in fear. In my mind, they sound sooooo silly and I justify left and right why or why not I ‘should’ even have them. Let alone share them or look into them.
Sooooo, we’re just gonna hit them square on the head. Cuz that’s what I like to do. And this is something that I bet only I have noticed in myself yet it’s been big enough that it sits in the back corners of my mind, constantly probing to be looked at.
Since all the big changes a couple years ago… Divorce, moving, personal beliefs… I’ve slowly stopped sharing/posting etc. for a couple of reasons.
#1 I felt like I had a TON of HUGE eyes on me… because of all the big changes. I got into the space of… ‘I don’t want to let anyone else down…’ ‘I don’t want to feel anymore judgment’ (this is my own created fear and perception, whether real or not)
#2 Going from feeling like I was in a ‘secure’ space. Being married, family, friends, etc… I didn’t feel like I had to ‘prove’ myself or worry about how I looked or came across. Now with a lot of those things shifted… It’s TERRIFIED me to be completely who I was before PLUS all the things about me that I’ve discovered.
A handful of times, I’ll scroll through my feed on insta and can clearly tell where I went ‘into hiding’. I stopped my dancing. I stopped my ‘in the moment’ lessons learned. I started caring more about what I looked like in posts, was careful about what I said or just didn’t post for a week at a time.
The constant thoughts would swirl around in my head,
‘you’re single Janica, THAT is not going to be attractive’
-I’m going to go deeper into this one specifically. The dating. The moving to a new area where you hardly know anyone. Dating these days? Mostly online… Meaning.. pictures. You’re based off of pictures from the get go. (That’s why I did it for a couple weeks, then got off. 5 months later hopped on again for a week and then told myself I would never get back on. haha) It does something to you! (Well, at least me) Not in a good way. MASSIVE insecurity stuck it’s little face at the forefront again. Equaling = terrified to be me to the very core. Trying to BE what someone else would want and harness my quirkiness. It was a big confidence check for me.
I’m grateful for that because it showed me where I got to love myself even more. AND that I get to be me ALL the time. Why would I even want to be in a relationship where I felt like I had to mute some of my personality? I would be doing them AND me a HUGE disservice. Yet that was my reality. And it’s getting better 🙂 –
‘That’s going to make you sound like a complete nut job’
‘Don’t post that, that’s going to offend someone’
‘If you say that, that’s going to sound like a call for compliments’
‘You already have a handful of people worried about your life…THAT’S not gonna help it’
And the list goes on and on you guys!!
The common denominator? Scared to be completely 100% ME.
Still worried about pleasing other people. Still worried about other’s perceptions of me. Yet this is in a WHOLE different way than before. Yet not. More so along the lines of going deeper into old beliefs and patterns that I’m choosing to let hold me back from complete unity: mind, body, and soul.
It’s been quite the paradox. I’m happier, more confident and understanding of myself and life than ever before YET… almost frozen in fear of LIVING that and BEING that. All the while that’s what Fuel Love has been centered around. Loving yourself, getting to know yourself and LIVE that. 100% happiness and joy comes from THAT. Being YOU in every moment. Being connected authentically. Tuned into YOUR heart and not the beliefs, perceptions and opinions of others.
And guys, I’ve been PARALYZED by fear of ALL of that, the last 2 years. Going in and out of ready to ‘jump out of the plane’ and soar and holding on so tightly to the edge of the plane door.
I’ve been learning to love who I am. Completely alone. No safety net of a partner or family. I’ve continued to do a lot of healing, soul searching, and growing, yet no amount of any of that does anything…unless I begin to take the action of LIVING that. And that is what has been eating at me in the back corners. Screaming to be recognized. Personal integrity wanting to be seen. And spoken. Discovering more of what makes me ME and what I like and resonate with at the deepest levels.
Accountability. One of those words that once I put it out there, it helps me keep things in motion. Today is day one of a new month. Day one of practicing what I preach in action oriented ways. Day one of being me. More and more. Owning who I am with confidence and courage. All while continuing to love and remember what makes me… me.
Afraid to connect,
afraid to feel.
The pain was too deep,
so I turned my back,
didn’t want to heal.
Scared to meet it,
I locked and threw it away.
Tossed on some strength,
pretending the hurt was never there that day.
This past week I had a healing experience that brought to my awareness how shut down I have been this past year. My heart. My connection. My ability to feel deeply.
The last few months I’ve been feeling ‘off’. Becoming more and more aware of how off I’ve felt. How disconnected to feeling and connection. Yet I couldn’t exactly piece together what it was and why.
My older sister had told me about a friend she had gone to for some healing. I immediately knew I needed to go see that same friend. Set up an appointment and went in the following week. She worked through some stuff associated with my head and neck and then got to my heart.
It was completely on lock down. She said she couldn’t even get in.
I had shut ‘er down.
Pain and hurt, entangled with living more true to me than I had ever done in my past. (My divorce last year)
And to me, the entanglement, that meant stepping up to the plate, full on ready to own my own strength that I ‘had’ had to have. Somewhere in the chaos of my insides, I had decided that I didn’t have time to feel the pain. I didn’t have time to feel the gut wrenching sorrow and hurt. I had to hold it all together. I HAD to be strong. Strong for my kids. Strong to ‘prove’ myself.
If I showed the world and those closest to me that I was in the most despair I had ever been in, that meant I was regretting or not owning my choices.
And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that on top of the judgment and loss I had already felt from those people.
So I slowly hid it from myself. Month after month, I piled more distraction on top. Month after month I let the physical and emotional pain drown out into the background. It became so much my new normal, that IT wasn’t even a problem. And I did a pretty dang good job of masking and ignoring it.
Until my sisters friend stuck a nail on the shell and tapped it. Just enough to start the crack. Just enough to FEEL the surface of what I had been hiding. And then it all came oozing out.
The reality I had created for myself and my perception was that every time I took a step doing something truer to ME than I ever have before… my closest people turned their back on me. So I carried that belief. And it played out again. It played itself out during my divorce. I lost a best friend. I felt so alone. I had feelings of judgement and no support from those I thought would have my back. Would buoy me up. Help me stand strong during such a huge change in my life. I went through the divorce basically alone. Besides a few friends that ‘got’ me. That could see, feel, and understand who I was and am.
This is not a victim story. This is me finally OWNING my experience and being okay with it. In NO WAY am I blaming anyone. Just love and learning 🙂 And THAT was part of the entanglement and burying. I could SEE and had MANY spiritual experiences that I KNEW all the learning and reasons and understanding of WHY it all happened the way it did. The reason I lost close people to me. The judgements I felt. The support I lost.
I initially felt the pain, anger, resentment, sorrow, and hurt yet I knew how harmful it was to myself to CARRY those… So I put a bandaid on and allowed myself to see the lessons and light and growth and learning. I rode on those waves. That’s what helped keep me strong. I didn’t want to resent or have anger towards anyone because of what I saw in the love, learning and growth.
And that’s where I didn’t allow myself to honor ME and the humanness of FEELING what I needed to feel in those moments and months. So they sat. As they sat, I feared connecting to others, I feared learning more about connecting to me and who I am. I feared being me, sharing lessons I was learning. I feared it and I stayed away. The longer I stayed away… the more I distanced myself from me. The more I lost deep vision and feeling. The more my physical body started to react.
Constant headaches. Constant neck pain. Internal gut/organ pain. Gaining and storing fat even though I was pushing it harder in the gym and *mostly 😉 eating my normal healthy diet. My heart physically hurt. I had become numb to ALL of that, until the shell was tapped. All that physical pain was brought to my attention and how it was going to get worse before it got better if I didn’t allow myself to be AWARE, ACCEPT, OWN, and FEEL the feelings of the past year going through what happened.
Still the mental battle was there. ‘I have to be strong. I AM strong. If I admit and own up to the feelings…what does that say to everything that happened?’
So this past year I have been battling with and slowing stepping away from sharing and being the authentic ME. I’ve been filtering HOW much of myself I share. Where as I felt before I was sharing it all and not feeling any holding back. I’ve felt it and it’s bugged me and I KNEW I was doing it. I just didn’t understand why.
I didn’t want to share anymore of what I was discovering about myself this past year because in my mind, my story and perception that I have held on to… If I’m ME… those closest to me, will turn their back. I’ll lose more people that know me at this level and if I lose them, I won’t have anyone. I’ll be rejected again for being me. That was my truth that I had created and held onto. That was the fear I was living in. Fear of being even MORE of me and sharing that.
I built Fuel Love around authenticity, being vulnerable, sharing my stories in hopes of helping others know they’re not alone and that they CAN heal, and be confident in WHO they are… yet I was personally not being vulnerable with MYSELF. And you can only meet others as deeply as you are willing to meet yourself.
I was my own oxymoron. I had stopped ‘practicing what I preach’. And it was hurting. It was hurting my body on the physical level. It was hurting my spirit and my mind.
So the last week… the walls have been coming down. The morning after my appointment, my sister held space for me to feel some of the deep pain for the first time. I didn’t want it. I wanted to push it away again. It was gut wrenching.
The days following, little by little I’ve let myself feel it in bits and pieces. Had more awareness of how beautiful a gift it has actually been through it all. Again being able to see the lessons and growth and understanding while allowing myself this time to express the stored up hurt and anger that I’ve been clenching onto.
The biggest awareness of growth and learning I’ve had are these:
– We ALL have emotions. Emotions DO NOT define us nor do they MAKE us who we are. Emotions are human. I am an human. We are all human and humans FEEL emotion. Not one emotion is bad. They just are. Not good… not bad. They do not make us good or bad. WE choose what we do with the emotion. We can either store it (and gain physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain) or let ourselves BE HUMAN, feel it and then let it pass.
– I am who I am. You are YOU. The MORE I LIVE and BE me, the happier I am. The MORE you can connect and share and love and gain.
– I can admit to myself and own that I’ve felt weak inside even when I’ve held onto strength SOO HARD on the outside. You don’t have to have it all together all the time. Even when you think you need to feel guilt for needing to cry and scream and be in pain. Let that sh*t go. Let ALL the feels come.
– I don’t need anyone to ‘believe’ me or even believe IN me. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. I don’t have to feel like I need to yell, ‘JUST TRUST ME AND WHAT I’M DOING!’ to anyone. I KNOW what I’m doing. I KNOW more of who I am than ever before and THAT is enough. You know YOU better than ANYONE else around you. You have your path. They have theirs. And really, it’s none of their business. They’re happiness doesn’t meter yours. Not EVERYONE will understand and again, it’s really not their ‘business’ to understand. You’re not here to please and live up to others expectations. You’re not here to make sure no one gets triggered. You’re here to be YOU. And being you is vibing at your highest. Sharing that love and BEING that love so that others can find themselves and live that freely also. We are each SUCH amazing gifts to everyone around us. Sharing, healing, helping, loving, BEING.
– I am ALWAYS enough. JUST as I am now. YOU are enough RIGHT NOW in this moment. And NOTHING will change that because you always are.
– I don’t have to stand there and ‘take the hits’ or feel like I need to be punished because of others perceptions or judgements about me. Again, I have NOTHING to prove and don’t need to. You don’t get to be someone elses vomit or punching bag.
– I will be me and those that SEE me will stick around. Those that fall away and disappear, have their own things they’re working on. Doesn’t mean youre less of a person or did something wrong or aren’t good enough. We all have connections at different times in our lives for different reasons. Honor those. Honor YOU and where you’re at and whom you connect with at each different stage of your life. It has nothing to do with you anyway 😉
-Love, Compassion, Healing. Let yourself HAVE IT ALL.
– LOVING who you are and BEING confident in that. That’s what will bless this earth and life. Hiding who you are isn’t doing ANYONE any good. Personal healing not only effects you for the better but EVERYONE around you. The deeper you Love YOU, the deeper you can love others and SEE others in their light.
– It’s all really simple yet we like to complicate it and create distractions from digging into our perceptions. Instead of looking at them head on and SEEING that they’re not even real. They’re not even who you are. Yet we fear them. And Yet even on top of THAT is that we don’t see the magnitude of FREEDOM and LOVE that sits on the other side of going deep into our fears, thoughts, and beliefs.
Lift up the blankets and rugs. Open that heart of yours and allow yourself to see all the false beliefs and hurt that we’re spoon feeding ourselves daily. Oh, I know it’s painful.
But how much more painful is it to live a life that’s not true to you?
This particular post has been swirling around in my head for months. Wanting to write it, but not making the time or getting caught up in everything else. (Creating distractions on purpose, anyone?) I’m pretty good at that one. 😉 The usual thoughts coming in about writing it. WHIICCHH relate to this post, but thoughts of, ‘Ooh you’re just writing this or sharing this for attention’, ‘Who are you to write about confidence when you’re still learning the ropes’, and on and on. (I seem to have that for every post I want to write. Those dang pesky thoughts that I allow to creep in and set up camp for a day or two)
AND THEN the ones that come up RIGHT when you push publish. Gah! Those are almost even worse and 9 times out of 10 I don’t remove a post but still! ‘That was stupid what you wrote’, ‘Imagine what people will think now’, ‘hurry and take that one down’.
I’m totally starting to sweat as I write this. haha!
It is something that I thought I had. That was, until I moved away from home.
Growing up I was always involved in some kind of activity. Dance, gymnastics, tball, softball, and soccer were the younger years. Then 5th grade on up was soccer, basketball, and track. I was blessed to have a family that all enjoyed doing those things, so me being the 4th child, I started out young watching my older siblings and having my dad teach me the basics of every sport and helping develop the skillzzz.
We played a lot of basketball early in the morning in the church gym and outside on our concrete court. By the time I was in high school I had become pretty decent when it came to the three that I participated in. I lived for the sports and I was pretty good and was recognized state wide in ball, I was the PK goalie in our final three games in soccer where we won the championship, and was always up there in track going to state with relays and my individual events.
I know my friends surrounding me in hs would say that I came across as confident growing up and I would probably agree for the most part.
Not until leaving for college did I realize that my confidence came not from inside me but from my success in sports! I went from a high school of about 450-500 students TOTAL (with a graduating class of 98) to a college campus with 30,000 PLUS students. OH MA GOSH. Talk about a tiny spec in the sea.
That’s when it started to show up for me. The reality of how I REALLY felt about myself. The LACK of confidence I had. So I got involved in all the intramural sports activities that I could. Soccer, Flag Football, Water Polo (in tubes 😉 ) basketball, softball, and even gave volleyball a try. haha
Looking back I totally see how that was my feeding tube. It kept me over the neutral line instead of dipping into the negative so much.
Then marriage came and babies. Sports was minimal. I played pick up ball as often as I could and so it allowed for ALL my insecurities to start showing their face.
It was after I had my first baby that I was introduced to Foot Zone Therapy. I took the classes and was worked on multiple times releasing old belief patterns and understanding more about myself. Then I started learning about self awareness. Our thoughts we have, how we create our reality, things we can do to change, etc. etc. A few years later I was involved in an online Health and Fitness group called Iron Rhino. That’s when I really got into lifting and understanding nutrition and the power of our thoughts and that was the massive beginning of my understanding what little self-confidence I had. And that truthfully, it was barely there to begin with.
I was starting to see that everything I was doing externally was what I was reaching for and searching for as my life line. Compliments, winning events, being ‘recognized’ was my ‘confidence’. All THAT was what made me feel good about myself. As long as others were telling me I was good at something or good enough then that MUST mean I was. Because THEY said so.
So when all of THAT started falling by the wayside, my own internal voice got louder and louder. Around the same time is when I really started to delve into ‘self help’ books. I started reading about self love and what that even was. I had a friend straight up ask me how I showed love to myself or what actions did I do. I had no clue. I couldn’t even answer that. I had to google what self love was or what actions that would entail.
I looked down the list and could maybe check one or two of them off as a ‘yes’. Then I started attending seminars and invested in my first mentors. Learning about humans in general and how our thoughts and perceptions are formed from birth to about 7-11 years of age. I was taught and introduced more about energy healing and understanding myself, again, at a deeper level.
And during this time, I was receiving my own healing sessions three to four times a month if not more. I was determined to undo all the negative beliefs I had about myself. I wanted to rewrite my story. I was so tired of living inside this shell of a person that I felt wasn’t even me.
I got to a point that I had hit a deep spot and feeling. I HATED myself.
Throughout all of THAT year is when Fuel Love was born. I wanted to share everything that I had been learning to undo all those false perceptions I had about myself and to really OWN who I am. I knew couldn’t be the only one who has had a similar experience as mine.
Fast forward to during and after the divorce and being completely alone in my home and then being completely single. That entered a whole new different realm of self-confidence ‘issues’ blaring in my ears and shoved in my face. Gratefully having lots of tools and help at this point in my life.
*Side story tangent that adds to the whole 🙂 —- Growing up I kind of always had this desire to want to model. I honestly don’t know how it started or why. I remember a neighbor by our cabin had mentioned that I should model. (I was 10 at the time) I didn’t ever pursue it or really even talk about it to anyone.
Fast forward to my 3rd year in college. I was sitting in the work truck (I worked in the paint shop on campus) during our break and happened to be looking through the ads randomly and saw something about modeling. It caught my eye and then my coworkers and boss told me to call the number as it wouldn’t hurt anything. So I did! (Dang peer pressure) Went in for an interview, found out it was legit and not a scam.. bam I was signed up under an agency. I did my first promotional event and then attended another casting call a month later and then fall off the face of the earth. It TERRIFIED me. All the negative thoughts and feels SWARMED me during both things. And at the time didn’t have the tools or knowledge to overcome. So I listened and believed.
I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t confident enough. I wasn’t ever going to book a job. I felt stupid. I felt out of my league.
So I just stopped checking in. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I just disappeared.
—-Fast forward again 8 years. (1 year ago today) A girl reached out to me through Facebook asking if I had ever done any modeling or considered ever doing it. I gave her the condensed version and she asked if I would want to come in and chat. I said sure. (Thinking maybe this was my second chance at it) It happened to be up in SLC, (Currently living in St. George) Drove up there for the meeting and upon getting to the building I realized it was the SAME agency I was under 8 years ago! I walked in and came out re-signed!
Now… you can probably imagine what kinds of thoughts run through my head adding the modeling aspect to my self confidence. It has given me the biggest kick in the butt and shown me even DEEPER parts of myself that I have disliked and wished away from me.
Ironically enough one of those was wishing I didn’t look the way I looked. A significant event in my life helped me see what others see in my but also the perception that ‘she must have it all together’ when really not… was also understood from the outside perspective.
—A couple years ago I went to one of Kirk Duncan’s seminars called, Present Yourself. I bet you can take a wild guess what that entailed. Yup… public speaking. A lo and behold OF COURSE I was the ONE female chosen out of 300-400 there to get up and give just a wee 4 minute presentation. I wanted to run and hide or faint. Luckily it was an opportunity for me to be coached by him in front of them so he stopped me 30 seconds in. PHEW! He asked why I was shaking so bad and not breathing. Then he asked me what my biggest fear was being up there. I started crying right there and I answered that it was what everyone was thinking about me. He then said something about my smile to the crowd saying that wasn’t it beautiful? and then someone shouted above everyone else, ‘she looks like a model!’
In that moment it was a really cool lesson that has kind of been the story of my life. Someone who looks a certain way MUST have it all together and confident and that life is just wonderful, right? When in reality for me…it was the opposite. Because of certain things said to me growing up.. deep down I started to despise the way I looked. It terrified me to be out in front of others trying to act like I had it all together when it came to speaking or just standing in front of a crowd. (Sports was different with being in front of others, I was in my own world and doing something I KNEW I was good at)—-
I posted a couple weeks ago on instagram about something I went up to SLC to do that got cancelled last minute. It was my test shoot for my modeling portfolio. I’ve had a hard time even telling people that I’m a model. Theres a bit of me that still cringes even writing that! I’m getting there. I’ve been working A LOT on owning who I am, and what I look like is part of that.
So what IS confidence? What is SELF-CONFIDENCE? Good ole’ google dictionary says this, ‘a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment.’
It’s TRUSTING in who you are! Your abilities are there. You were born with natural ways of doing things. Of course you can enhance and work your toosh off to get better at things. Self confidence includes self esteem which is trusting in ones worth and self respect.
WHO you are and HOW you feel about yourself is up to you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Because it’s all borrowed anyways. The moments of feeling amazing when someone told me I was beautiful or that I rocked that game or hit the winning shot or whatever… It only last me maybe a few days of a high. But then what?
It was almost as if I was addicted to outsiders opinions. Then what happens when you don’t have those opinions? Or lets say, what happens if there’s the other side? One that tells you, you suck? Or that you’re stupid? Or ugly or fat?
Those for some reason, we hang onto. Those are the ones we CLING to. You know why? Because we BELIEVE those ones. We ALREADY have up in our minds that those are true. So we subconsciously put our feelers out for those. Then when they come, inside we say, ‘See I told you so’. They’re right.
Guess what?! Those are borrowed, too! They’re not even yours. You weren’t created to be ANY of those low vibration things. You are a BEING OF LIGHT. You are beautiful just by BEING YOU!
That has been my journey to self-confidence. Choosing to remove all those borrowed opinions and thoughts and rewriting my story of who I already AM. LIVING that and BEING that. In whichever way I feel called, led, and pulled to do. It’s still a work in progress and will ALWAYS be a work in progress. Overcoming more fears and false perceptions about myself. Learning to see what’s inside and not reaching outside of me for validation on how I look or how I talk or perform.
It’s been my perfect ‘mess’. Putting myself out there and pushing past comfort zone after comfort zone while sharing my journey along the way.
Part of that this last month has been FINALLY setting down a time for one of my favorite people, Matti, with Matti Parker Photo. We set up a trade some time ago and my end was a photography shoot with her. Let’s just say I used my distraction technique to the ‘t’ and kept ‘finding’ reasons to push it back. Until a couple weeks ago I gave myself a pep talk and said just schedule it dang it. No matter how scared it makes you feel.
So I did. And it happened.
I felt uncomfortable at times. I felt awkward and wanted to curl up at times. I felt liberated and beautiful at times. Then when I got the photos back I was basically taken back. It was the first time in a WHOLE shoot where I actually really LIKED how I looked in the photos. I know that’s partially cuz she’s a genius with how she captured me but also my confidence that I’ve worked on but also liking what I look like all wrapped up into one.
It was such a good experience for me and one outside my comfort. But also sooo good for me. At one point, Matti gave me the smack down and said, quit being goofy and just OWN your beauty. hahah. Love her. Funny huh, how I do confidence photography yet has pained me to be the ONE photographed 😉
And glad my test shoot got rescheduled to work on being more comfortable in my own skin and loving every part of me. Because I’ve been down the road of hating mostly all of me. And it sucks. Really bad.
Both paths take work. What I found on the path to loving who I AM was so much more fulfilling and where I’ve found complete peace, love, and connection.
For the first time in EVER. I’m really beginning to TRULY feel what it means to LOVE yourself and be confident in WHO I am.
And I’d take that over hating myself any day.
*These are a few of my faves. We did a three part shoot and I love how they all turned out. THANK YOU MATTI!!
This was right before her smack down comment;) haha.
Today’s been a rather challenging day on the mom front. Driving to and from school and the gym and school and home, I’ve had several thoughts cross my mind. Mainly thoughts of things I’ve shared or written in the past and there was a moment where I thought, ‘those are all so lame, none of that stuff works anyways’. hahahahah.
It’s been one of those days that I rarely get this ‘deep’ in my own issues and let them overtake me and I let doubt creep into EVERYTHING. Along with that doubt, I swear the kids whine twice as much, end up hating going to the pool and complaining the whole time and then end up getting ‘grounded from playing outside with friends’. Which sometimes I think, ‘smooth move, Janica… that’s the one thing that let’s them outside and get their energy out and you just contained them inside’. But ya know… adulting and teaching them stuff or something.
Being a mom is hard. Being a single mom is hard. There I said it. And I haven’t ever wanted to say it. I feel like I’m ‘not allowed’ to say it because of some of my own crazy reasonings. I feel like if I ever openly ‘complain’ about it, all I would get is eye rolls and ‘she put herself in that situation so suck it up’. Apparently I’ve still got some false beliefs that need looking at 😉 But for reals, those are the thoughts that go around in my head. Wanting to share openly like I used to and then not. ‘I created this ‘hard’ so I get to deal with it and can’t ever share the ‘hard’ days’.
But days like today suck. They suck really bad. Days like this I just want to throw in the towel to EVERYTHING. I don’t want to try and build anymore business. I don’t want to share anything I’ve learned anymore. I want to get off social media completely and just pretend I never did any of it. Days like today I feel like I’m screwing my kids up. Days like today make it really hard accepting a lot of things. Days like today I wonder and question most everything that I am doing or reaching for and toward.
YET… even as I type this I know deep down it’s going to be fine. I’m not alone and I know I’m not the only one feeling like this today.
You know what days like today DO teach me? Admist me wanting to not learn or share anymore?! haha.
I don’t give myself enough credit. I don’t celebrate the little victories. I don’t have enough compassion for myself during the crap shoot days. I don’t practice what I preach on days like this. And THESE are the kinda days where doing those things consistently carry me/us through.
What is really having compassion for ourselves though? I never quite understood it until reading the book I randomly found at Barnes & Noble the other day, The Choice for Love by Dr. Barbara De Angelis. (Go get it like now)
Compassion basically, she says is being able to honor and accept our humanness. We get frustrated when we had an amazing day of growth and learning and then the next day we don’t want to get out of bed or we’re dragging our feet. We naturally beat ourselves for not being on that same high we just felt 12 hours ago. Having compassion is honoring that we’ll have highs and lows, ebbs and flows. And loving EVERY DAMN SECOND OF IT. Because it’s just what it is. We’re human. We take it a day at a time. BEING in the present of that day in time. Always asking ourselves… ‘how can I add more love into this situation? how can I be more compassionate towards myself or others today or in this situation?’
As I’m writing this I’m starting to see the wins of today. I sat down with Lydia at lunch when Ezra was asleep and Warren at school and we ate together. Then we danced in the kitchen together, then she sat down with my and we watched the last little bit of a show together. Then we went on a walk around our little neighborhood together.
THAT was a freaking win today folks! That hasn’t happened in a while. One on one time. And I totally let everything else bypass how awesome that was for that to happen today. AND I woke up earlier than normal and made breakfast for the kids before they woke up. Albiet it was oatmeal 😀 but STILL. WIN!
AND I actually ate enough food today. (There’s more to that for another day)
I guess there is something to writing our thoughts and feelings out. Who knew ?! *shoulder shrug with a smirk
So my leaving thought for this post…. let yourself get into the thick of all the shizzz you’re feeling. ALLOW yourself to go there. After dinner, I got upset at my oldest said something snarky and went straight upstairs fell face first on my bed and started crying, running through my head everything that I first typed out on this post. I was done. I wanted to give up. Then I had the thought to start writing on my blog. It’s been a minute since I’ve posted and thought, why not. So I did. And now I feel tons better. hahah. Love it.
So allow the feelings of emotions. Let them come up when they come up. Cuz if you don’t…those suckers are gonna get suppressed and buuuillllld up until you just go cray cray one day… and who knows when and where and on who.
Then write it out or talk it out. Sometimes I’ve recorded how my day has gone and same thing… as I’m doing so thoughts and inspiration and feelings of how I can shift will come up and I’ll leave it feeling A TON better.
ALWAYS make a list of your wins each day. A lot of times our ‘insides’ are shifting a lot faster than our ‘outsides’ (conscious mind) and we get upset at that humanness and sometimes we don’t see the subtle shifts until we give light to them. THEN you realize.. OMG I’m not a complete waste today after all and that was pretty dang good what I did.
Some days totally rock and yes some days just royally suck. And that’s totally okay. You’re human. I’m human.