It’s been a long minute since I’ve written anything. It’s been a major hot minute since I’ve felt completely authentic with myself.

Why?

Some massive fears and head talk has been going on. And it’s time to put a name to them. So I can own them, release and heal them. So here it is.

There have been certain things that I haven’t talked about or shared. Completely surrounded in fear. In my mind, they sound sooooo silly and I justify left and right why or why not I ‘should’ even have them. Let alone share them or look into them.

Sooooo, we’re just gonna hit them square on the head. Cuz that’s what I like to do. And this is something that I bet only I have noticed in myself yet it’s been big enough that it sits in the back corners of my mind, constantly probing to be looked at.

Since all the big changes a couple years ago… Divorce, moving, personal beliefs… I’ve slowly stopped sharing/posting etc. for a couple of reasons.

#1 I felt like I had a TON of HUGE eyes on me… because of all the big changes. I got into the space of… ‘I don’t want to let anyone else down…’ ‘I don’t want to feel anymore judgment’ (this is my own created fear and perception, whether real or not)

#2 Going from feeling like I was in a ‘secure’ space. Being married, family, friends, etc… I didn’t feel like I had to ‘prove’ myself or worry about how I looked or came across. Now with a lot of those things shifted… It’s TERRIFIED me to be completely who I was before PLUS all the things about me that I’ve discovered.

A handful of times, I’ll scroll through my feed on insta and can clearly tell where I went ‘into hiding’. I stopped my dancing. I stopped my ‘in the moment’ lessons learned. I started caring more about what I looked like in posts, was careful about what I said or just didn’t post for a week at a time.

The constant thoughts would swirl around in my head,

‘you’re single Janica, THAT is not going to be attractive’
-I’m going to go deeper into this one specifically. The dating. The moving to a new area where you hardly know anyone. Dating these days? Mostly online… Meaning.. pictures. You’re based off of pictures from the get go. (That’s why I did it for a couple weeks, then got off. 5 months later hopped on again for a week and then told myself I would never get back on. haha) It does something to you! (Well, at least me) Not in a good way. MASSIVE insecurity stuck it’s little face at the forefront again. Equaling = terrified to be me to the very core. Trying to BE what someone else would want and harness my quirkiness. It was a big confidence check for me.

I’m grateful for that because it showed me where I got to love myself even more. AND that I get to be me ALL the time. Why would I even want to be in a relationship where I felt like I had to mute some of my personality? I would be doing them AND me a HUGE disservice. Yet that was my reality. And it’s getting better 🙂 –

‘That’s going to make you sound like a complete nut job’
‘Don’t post that, that’s going to offend someone’
‘If you say that, that’s going to sound like a call for compliments’
‘You already have a handful of people worried about your life…THAT’S not gonna help it’

And the list goes on and on you guys!!

The common denominator? Scared to be completely 100% ME.

Still worried about pleasing other people. Still worried about other’s perceptions of me. Yet this is in a WHOLE different way than before. Yet not. More so along the lines of going deeper into old beliefs and patterns that I’m choosing to let hold me back from complete unity: mind, body, and soul.

It’s been quite the paradox. I’m happier, more confident and understanding of myself and life than ever before YET… almost frozen in fear of LIVING that and BEING that. All the while that’s what Fuel Love has been centered around. Loving yourself, getting to know yourself and LIVE that. 100% happiness and joy comes from THAT. Being YOU in every moment. Being connected authentically. Tuned into YOUR heart and not the beliefs, perceptions and opinions of others.

And guys, I’ve been PARALYZED by fear of ALL of that, the last 2 years. Going in and out of ready to ‘jump out of the plane’ and soar and holding on so tightly to the edge of the plane door.

I’ve been learning to love who I am. Completely alone. No safety net of a partner or family. I’ve continued to do a lot of healing, soul searching, and growing, yet no amount of any of that does anything…unless I begin to take the action of LIVING that. And that is what has been eating at me in the back corners. Screaming to be recognized. Personal integrity wanting to be seen. And spoken. Discovering more of what makes me ME and what I like and resonate with at the deepest levels.

Accountability. One of those words that once I put it out there, it helps me keep things in motion. Today is day one of a new month. Day one of practicing what I preach in action oriented ways. Day one of being me. More and more. Owning who I am with confidence and courage. All while continuing to love and remember what makes me… me.

The souls journey within.

I shut off my heart.

Afraid to connect,
afraid to feel.
The pain was too deep,
so I turned my back,
didn’t want to heal.
Scared to meet it,
I locked and threw it away.
Tossed on some strength,
pretending the hurt was never there that day.

This past week I had a healing experience that brought to my awareness how shut down I have been this past year. My heart. My connection. My ability to feel deeply.

The last few months I’ve been feeling ‘off’. Becoming more and more aware of how off I’ve felt. How disconnected to feeling and connection. Yet I couldn’t exactly piece together what it was and why.

My older sister had told me about a friend she had gone to for some healing. I immediately knew I needed to go see that same friend. Set up an appointment and went in the following week. She worked through some stuff associated with my head and neck and then got to my heart.

It was completely on lock down. She said she couldn’t even get in.

I had shut ‘er down.

Why?

Pain and hurt, entangled with living more true to me than I had ever done in my past. (My divorce last year)

And to me, the entanglement, that meant stepping up to the plate, full on ready to own my own strength that I ‘had’ had to have. Somewhere in the chaos of my insides, I had decided that I didn’t have time to feel the pain. I didn’t have time to feel the gut wrenching sorrow and hurt. I had to hold it all together. I HAD to be strong. Strong for my kids. Strong to ‘prove’ myself.

If I showed the world and those closest to me that I was in the most despair I had ever been in, that meant I was regretting or not owning my choices.

And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that on top of the judgment and loss I had already felt from those people.

So I slowly hid it from myself. Month after month, I piled more distraction on top. Month after month I let the physical and emotional pain drown out into the background. It became so much my new normal, that IT wasn’t even a problem. And I did a pretty dang good job of masking and ignoring it.

Until my sisters friend stuck a nail on the shell and tapped it. Just enough to start the crack. Just enough to FEEL the surface of what I had been hiding. And then it all came oozing out.

The reality I had created for myself and my perception was that every time I took a step doing something truer to ME than I ever have before… my closest people turned their back on me. So I carried that belief. And it played out again. It played itself out during my divorce. I lost a best friend. I felt so alone. I had feelings of judgement and no support from those I thought would have my back. Would buoy me up. Help me stand strong during such a huge change in my life. I went through the divorce basically alone. Besides a few friends that ‘got’ me. That could see, feel, and understand who I was and am.

This is not a victim story. This is me finally OWNING my experience and being okay with it. In NO WAY am I blaming anyone. Just love and learning 🙂 And THAT was part of the entanglement and burying. I could SEE and had MANY spiritual experiences that I KNEW all the learning and reasons and understanding of WHY it all happened the way it did. The reason I lost close people to me. The judgements I felt. The support I lost.

I initially felt the pain, anger, resentment, sorrow, and hurt yet I knew how harmful it was to myself to CARRY those… So I put a bandaid on and allowed myself to see the lessons and light and growth and learning. I rode on those waves. That’s what helped keep me strong. I didn’t want to resent or have anger towards anyone because of what I saw in the love, learning and growth.

And that’s where I didn’t allow myself to honor ME and the humanness of FEELING what I needed to feel in those moments and months. So they sat. As they sat, I feared connecting to others, I feared learning more about connecting to me and who I am. I feared being me, sharing lessons I was learning. I feared it and I stayed away. The longer I stayed away… the more I distanced myself from me. The more I lost deep vision and feeling. The more my physical body started to react.

Constant headaches. Constant neck pain. Internal gut/organ pain. Gaining and storing fat even though I was pushing it harder in the gym and *mostly 😉 eating my normal healthy diet. My heart physically hurt. I had become numb to ALL of that, until the shell was tapped. All that physical pain was brought to my attention and how it was going to get worse before it got better if I didn’t allow myself to be AWARE, ACCEPT, OWN, and FEEL the feelings of the past year going through what happened.

Still the mental battle was there. ‘I have to be strong. I AM strong. If I admit and own up to the feelings…what does that say to everything that happened?’

So this past year I have been battling with and slowing stepping away from sharing and being the authentic ME. I’ve been filtering HOW much of myself I share. Where as I felt before I was sharing it all and not feeling any holding back. I’ve felt it and it’s bugged me and I KNEW I was doing it. I just didn’t understand why.

Until now.

I didn’t want to share anymore of what I was discovering about myself this past year because in my mind, my story and perception that I have held on to… If I’m ME… those closest to me, will turn their back. I’ll lose more people that know me at this level and if I lose them, I won’t have anyone. I’ll be rejected again for being me. That was my truth that I had created and held onto. That was the fear I was living in. Fear of being even MORE of me and sharing that.

I built Fuel Love around authenticity, being vulnerable, sharing my stories in hopes of helping others know they’re not alone and that they CAN heal, and be confident in WHO they are… yet I was personally not being vulnerable with MYSELF. And you can only meet others as deeply as you are willing to meet yourself.

I was my own oxymoron. I had stopped ‘practicing what I preach’. And it was hurting. It was hurting my body on the physical level. It was hurting my spirit and my mind.

So the last week… the walls have been coming down. The morning after my appointment, my sister held space for me to feel some of the deep pain for the first time. I didn’t want it. I wanted to push it away again. It was gut wrenching.

The days following, little by little I’ve let myself feel it in bits and pieces. Had more awareness of how beautiful a gift it has actually been through it all. Again being able to see the lessons and growth and understanding while allowing myself this time to express the stored up hurt and anger that I’ve been clenching onto.

The biggest awareness of growth and learning I’ve had are these:

– We ALL have emotions. Emotions DO NOT define us nor do they MAKE us who we are. Emotions are human. I am an human. We are all human and humans FEEL emotion. Not one emotion is bad. They just are. Not good… not bad. They do not make us good or bad. WE choose what we do with the emotion. We can either store it (and gain physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain) or let ourselves BE HUMAN, feel it and then let it pass.

– I am who I am. You are YOU. The MORE I LIVE and BE me, the happier I am. The MORE you can connect and share and love and gain.

– I can admit to myself and own that I’ve felt weak inside even when I’ve held onto strength SOO HARD on the outside. You don’t have to have it all together all the time. Even when you think you need to feel guilt for needing to cry and scream and be in pain. Let that sh*t go. Let ALL the feels come.

– I don’t need anyone to ‘believe’ me or even believe IN me.  I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. I don’t have to feel like I need to yell, ‘JUST TRUST ME AND WHAT I’M DOING!’ to anyone. I KNOW what I’m doing. I KNOW more of who I am than ever before and THAT is enough. You know YOU better than ANYONE else around you. You have your path. They have theirs. And really, it’s none of their business. They’re happiness doesn’t meter yours. Not EVERYONE will understand and again, it’s really not their ‘business’ to understand. You’re not here to please and live up to others expectations. You’re not here to make sure no one gets triggered. You’re here to be YOU. And being you is vibing at your highest. Sharing that love and BEING that love so that others can find themselves and live that freely also. We are each SUCH amazing gifts to everyone around us. Sharing, healing, helping, loving, BEING.

SO BE!

– I am ALWAYS enough. JUST as I am now. YOU are enough RIGHT NOW in this moment. And NOTHING will change that because you always are.

– I don’t have to stand there and ‘take the hits’ or feel like I need to be punished because of others perceptions or judgements about me. Again, I have NOTHING to prove and don’t need to. You don’t get to be someone elses vomit or punching bag.

– I will be me and those that SEE me will stick around. Those that fall away and disappear, have their own things they’re working on. Doesn’t mean youre less of a person or did something wrong or aren’t good enough. We all have connections at different times in our lives for different reasons. Honor those. Honor YOU and where you’re at and whom you connect with at each different stage of your life. It has nothing to do with you anyway 😉

-Love, Compassion, Healing. Let yourself HAVE IT ALL.

– LOVING who you are and BEING confident in that. That’s what will bless this earth and life. Hiding who you are isn’t doing ANYONE any good. Personal healing not only effects you for the better but EVERYONE around you. The deeper you Love YOU, the deeper you can love others and SEE others in their light.

– It’s all really simple yet we like to complicate it and create distractions from digging into our perceptions. Instead of looking at them head on and SEEING that they’re not even real. They’re not even who you are. Yet we fear them. And Yet even on top of THAT is that we don’t see the magnitude of FREEDOM and LOVE that sits on the other side of going deep into our fears, thoughts, and beliefs.

Lift up the blankets and rugs. Open that heart of yours and allow yourself to see all the false beliefs and hurt that we’re spoon feeding ourselves daily. Oh, I know it’s painful.

But how much more painful is it to live a life that’s not true to you?

This particular post has been swirling around in my head for months. Wanting to write it, but not making the time or getting caught up in everything else. (Creating distractions on purpose, anyone?) I’m pretty good at that one. 😉 The usual thoughts coming in about writing it. WHIICCHH relate to this post, but thoughts of, ‘Ooh you’re just writing this or sharing this for attention’, ‘Who are you to write about confidence when you’re still learning the ropes’, and on and on. (I seem to have that for every post I want to write. Those dang pesky thoughts that I allow to creep in and set up camp for a day or two)

AND THEN the ones that come up RIGHT when you push publish. Gah! Those are almost even worse and 9 times out of 10 I don’t remove a post but still! ‘That was stupid what you wrote’, ‘Imagine what people will think now’, ‘hurry and take that one down’.

I’m totally starting to sweat as I write this. haha!

Self- CONFIDENCE.

It is something that I thought I had. That was, until I moved away from home.

Growing up I was always involved in some kind of activity. Dance, gymnastics, tball, softball, and soccer were the younger years. Then 5th grade on up was soccer, basketball, and track. I was blessed to have a family that all enjoyed doing those things, so me being the 4th child, I started out young watching my older siblings and having my dad teach me the basics of every sport and helping develop the skillzzz.

We played a lot of basketball early in the morning in the church gym and outside on our concrete court. By the time I was in high school I had become pretty decent when it came to the three that I participated in. I lived for the sports and I was pretty good and was recognized state wide in ball, I was the PK goalie in our final three games in soccer where we won the championship, and was always up there in track going to state with relays and my individual events.

I know my friends surrounding me in hs would say that I came across as confident growing up and I would probably agree for the most part.

Not until leaving for college did I realize that my confidence came not from inside me but from my success in sports! I went from a high school of about 450-500 students TOTAL (with a graduating class of 98) to a college campus with 30,000 PLUS students. OH MA GOSH. Talk about a tiny spec in the sea.

That’s when it started to show up for me. The reality of how I REALLY felt about myself. The LACK of confidence I had. So I got involved in all the intramural sports activities that I could. Soccer, Flag Football, Water Polo (in tubes 😉 ) basketball, softball, and even gave volleyball a try. haha

Looking back I totally see how that was my feeding tube. It kept me over the neutral line instead of dipping into the negative so much.

Then marriage came and babies. Sports was minimal. I played pick up ball as often as I could and so it allowed for ALL my insecurities to start showing their face.

It was after I had my first baby that I was introduced to Foot Zone Therapy. I took the classes and was worked on multiple times releasing old belief patterns and understanding more about myself. Then I started learning about self awareness. Our thoughts we have, how we create our reality, things we can do to change, etc. etc. A few years later I was involved in an online Health and Fitness group called Iron Rhino. That’s when I really got into lifting and understanding nutrition and the power of our thoughts and that was the massive beginning of my understanding what little self-confidence I had. And that truthfully, it was barely there to begin with.

I was starting to see that everything I was doing externally was what I was reaching for and searching for as my life line. Compliments, winning events, being ‘recognized’ was my ‘confidence’. All THAT was what made me feel good about myself. As long as others were telling me I was good at something or good enough then that MUST mean I was. Because THEY said so.

So when all of THAT started falling by the wayside, my own internal voice got louder and louder. Around the same time is when I really started to delve into ‘self help’ books. I started reading about self love and what that even was. I had a friend straight up ask me how I showed love to myself or what actions did I do. I had no clue. I couldn’t even answer that. I had to google what self love was or what actions that would entail.

I looked down the list and could maybe check one or two of them off as a ‘yes’. Then I started attending seminars and invested in my first mentors. Learning about humans in general and how our thoughts and perceptions are formed from birth to about 7-11 years of age. I was taught and introduced more about energy healing and understanding myself, again, at a deeper level.

And during this time, I was receiving my own healing sessions three to four times a month if not more. I was determined to undo all the negative beliefs I had about myself. I wanted to rewrite my story. I was so tired of living inside this shell of a person that I felt wasn’t even me.

I got to a point that I had hit a deep spot and feeling. I HATED myself.

Throughout all of THAT year is when Fuel Love was born. I wanted to share everything that I had been learning to undo all those false perceptions I had about myself and to really OWN who I am. I knew couldn’t be the only one who has had a similar experience as mine.

Fast forward to during and after the divorce and being completely alone in my home and then being completely single. That entered a whole new different realm of self-confidence ‘issues’ blaring in my ears and shoved in my face. Gratefully having lots of tools and help at this point in my life.

—————————-

*Side story tangent that adds to the whole 🙂 —- Growing up I kind of always had this desire to want to model. I honestly don’t know how it started or why. I remember a neighbor by our cabin had mentioned that I should model. (I was 10 at the time) I didn’t ever pursue it or really even talk about it to anyone.

Fast forward to my 3rd year in college. I was sitting in the work truck (I worked in the paint shop on campus) during our break and happened to be looking through the ads randomly and saw something about modeling. It caught my eye and then my coworkers and boss told me to call the number as it wouldn’t hurt anything. So I did! (Dang peer pressure) Went in for an interview, found out it was legit and not a scam.. bam I was signed up under an agency. I did my first promotional event and then attended another casting call a month later and then fall off the face of the earth. It TERRIFIED me. All the negative thoughts and feels SWARMED me during both things. And at the time didn’t have the tools or knowledge to overcome. So I listened and believed.

I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t confident enough. I wasn’t ever going to book a job. I felt stupid. I felt out of my league.

So I just stopped checking in. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I just disappeared.

—-Fast forward again 8 years. (1 year ago today) A girl reached out to me through Facebook asking if I had ever done any modeling or considered ever doing it. I gave her the condensed version and she asked if I would want to come in and chat. I said sure. (Thinking maybe this was my second chance at it) It happened to be up in SLC, (Currently living in St. George) Drove up there for the meeting and upon getting to the building I realized it was the SAME agency I was under 8 years ago! I walked in and came out re-signed!

———————–

Now… you can probably imagine what kinds of thoughts run through my head adding the modeling aspect to my self confidence. It has given me the biggest kick in the butt and shown me even DEEPER parts of myself that I have disliked and wished away from me.

Ironically enough one of those was wishing I didn’t look the way I looked. A significant event in my life helped me see what others see in my but also the perception that ‘she must have it all together’ when really not… was also understood from the outside perspective.

—A couple years ago I went to one of Kirk Duncan’s seminars called, Present Yourself. I bet you can take a wild guess what that entailed. Yup… public speaking. A lo and behold OF COURSE I was the ONE female chosen out of 300-400 there to get up and give just a wee 4 minute presentation. I wanted to run and hide or faint. Luckily it was an opportunity for me to be coached by him in front of them so he stopped me 30 seconds in. PHEW! He asked why I was shaking so bad and not breathing. Then he asked me what my biggest fear was being up there. I started crying right there and I answered that it was what everyone was thinking about me. He then said something about my smile to the crowd saying that wasn’t it beautiful? and then someone shouted above everyone else, ‘she looks like a model!’

In that moment it was a really cool lesson that has kind of been the story of my life. Someone who looks a certain way MUST have it all together and confident and that life is just wonderful, right? When in reality for me…it was the opposite. Because of certain things said to me growing up.. deep down I started to despise the way I looked. It terrified me to be out in front of others trying to act like I had it all together when it came to speaking or just standing in front of a crowd. (Sports was different with being in front of others, I was in my own world and doing something I KNEW I was good at)—-

I posted a couple weeks ago on instagram about something I went up to SLC to do that got cancelled last minute. It was my test shoot for my modeling portfolio. I’ve had a hard time even telling people that I’m a model. Theres a bit of me that still cringes even writing that!  I’m getting there. I’ve been working A LOT on owning who I am, and what I look like is part of that.

So what IS confidence? What is SELF-CONFIDENCE? Good ole’ google dictionary says this, ‘a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment.’

It’s TRUSTING in who you are! Your abilities are there. You were born with natural ways of doing things. Of course you can enhance and work your toosh off to get better at things. Self confidence includes self esteem which is trusting in ones worth and self respect.

WHO you are and HOW you feel about yourself is up to you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Because it’s all borrowed anyways. The moments of feeling amazing when someone told me I was beautiful or that I rocked that game or hit the winning shot or whatever… It only last me maybe a few days of a high. But then what?

It was almost as if I was addicted to outsiders opinions. Then what happens when you don’t have those opinions? Or lets say, what happens if there’s the other side? One that tells you, you suck? Or that you’re stupid? Or ugly or fat?

Those for some reason, we hang onto. Those are the ones we CLING to. You know why? Because we BELIEVE those ones. We ALREADY have up in our minds that those are true. So we subconsciously put our feelers out for those. Then when they come, inside we say, ‘See I told you so’. They’re right.

Guess what?! Those are borrowed, too! They’re not even yours. You weren’t created to be ANY of those low vibration things. You are a BEING OF LIGHT. You are beautiful just by BEING YOU!

That has been my journey to self-confidence. Choosing to remove all those borrowed opinions and thoughts and rewriting my story of who I already AM. LIVING that and BEING that. In whichever way I feel called, led, and pulled to do. It’s still a work in progress and will ALWAYS be a work in progress. Overcoming more fears and false perceptions about myself. Learning to see what’s inside and not reaching outside of me for validation on how I look or how I talk or perform.

It’s been my perfect ‘mess’. Putting myself out there and pushing past comfort zone after comfort zone while sharing my journey along the way.

Part of that this last month has been FINALLY setting down a time for one of my favorite people, Matti, with Matti Parker Photo. We set up a trade some time ago and my end was a photography shoot with her. Let’s just say I used my distraction technique to the ‘t’ and kept ‘finding’ reasons to push it back. Until a couple weeks ago I gave myself a pep talk and said just schedule it dang it. No matter how scared it makes you feel.

So I did. And it happened.

I felt uncomfortable at times. I felt awkward and wanted to curl up at times. I felt liberated and beautiful at times. Then when I got the photos back I was basically taken back. It was the first time in a WHOLE shoot where I actually really LIKED how I looked in the photos. I know that’s partially cuz she’s a genius with how she captured me but also my confidence that I’ve worked on but also liking what I look like all wrapped up into one.

It was such a good experience for me and one outside my comfort. But also sooo good for me. At one point, Matti gave me the smack down and said, quit being goofy and just OWN your beauty. hahah. Love her. Funny huh, how I do confidence photography yet has pained me to be the ONE photographed 😉

And glad my test shoot got rescheduled to work on being more comfortable in my own skin and loving every part of me. Because I’ve been down the road of hating mostly all of me. And it sucks. Really bad.

Both paths take work. What I found on the path to loving who I AM was so much more fulfilling and where I’ve found complete peace, love, and connection.

For the first time in EVER. I’m really beginning to TRULY feel what it means to LOVE yourself and be confident in WHO I am.

And I’d take that over hating myself any day.

*These are a few of my faves. We did a three part shoot and I love how they all turned out. THANK YOU MATTI!!

This was right before her smack down comment;) haha.

Today’s been a rather challenging day on the mom front. Driving to and from school and the gym and school and home, I’ve had several thoughts cross my mind. Mainly thoughts of things I’ve shared or written in the past and there was a moment where I thought, ‘those are all so lame, none of that stuff works anyways’. hahahahah.

It’s been one of those days that I rarely get this ‘deep’ in my own issues and let them overtake me and I let doubt creep into EVERYTHING. Along with that doubt, I swear the kids whine twice as much, end up hating going to the pool and complaining the whole time and then end up getting ‘grounded from playing outside with friends’. Which sometimes I think, ‘smooth move, Janica… that’s the one thing that let’s them outside and get their energy out and you just contained them inside’. But ya know… adulting and teaching them stuff or something.

Being a mom is hard. Being a single mom is hard. There I said it. And I haven’t ever wanted to say it. I feel like I’m ‘not allowed’ to say it because of some of my own crazy reasonings. I feel like if I ever openly ‘complain’ about it, all I would get is eye rolls and ‘she put herself in that situation so suck it up’. Apparently I’ve still got some false beliefs that need looking at 😉 But for reals, those are the thoughts that go around in my head. Wanting to share openly like I used to and then not. ‘I created this ‘hard’ so I get to deal with it and can’t ever share the ‘hard’ days’.

But days like today suck. They suck really bad. Days like this I just want to throw in the towel to EVERYTHING. I don’t want to try and build anymore business. I don’t want to share anything I’ve learned anymore. I want to get off social media completely and just pretend I never did any of it. Days like today I feel like I’m screwing my kids up. Days like today make it really hard accepting a lot of things. Days like today I wonder and question most everything that I am doing or reaching for and toward.

YET… even as I type this I know deep down it’s going to be fine. I’m not alone and I know I’m not the only one feeling like this today.

You know what days like today DO teach me? Admist me wanting to not learn or share anymore?! haha.

I don’t give myself enough credit. I don’t celebrate the little victories. I don’t have enough compassion for myself during the crap shoot days. I don’t practice what I preach on days like this. And THESE are the kinda days where doing those things consistently carry me/us through.

What is really having compassion for ourselves though? I never quite understood it until reading the book I randomly found at Barnes & Noble the other day, The Choice for Love by Dr. Barbara De Angelis. (Go get it like now)

Compassion basically, she says is being able to honor and accept our humanness. We get frustrated when we had an amazing day of growth and learning and then the next day we don’t want to get out of bed or we’re dragging our feet. We naturally beat ourselves for not being on that same high we just felt 12 hours ago. Having compassion is honoring that we’ll have highs and lows, ebbs and flows. And loving EVERY DAMN SECOND OF IT. Because it’s just what it is. We’re human. We take it a day at a time. BEING in the present of that day in time. Always asking ourselves… ‘how can I add more love into this situation? how can I be more compassionate towards myself or others today or in this situation?’

As I’m writing this I’m starting to see the wins of today. I sat down with Lydia at lunch when Ezra was asleep and Warren at school and we ate together. Then we danced in the kitchen together, then she sat down with my and we watched the last little bit of a show together. Then we went on a walk around our little neighborhood together.

THAT was a freaking win today folks!  That hasn’t happened in a while. One on one time. And I totally let everything else bypass how awesome that was for that to happen today. AND I woke up earlier than normal and made breakfast for the kids before they woke up. Albiet it was oatmeal 😀 but STILL. WIN!

AND I actually ate enough food today. (There’s more to that for another day)

I guess there is something to writing our thoughts and feelings out. Who knew ?! *shoulder shrug with a smirk

So my leaving thought for this post…. let yourself get into the thick of all the shizzz you’re feeling. ALLOW yourself to go there. After dinner, I got upset at my oldest said something snarky and went straight upstairs fell face first on my bed and started crying, running through my head everything that I first typed out on this post. I was done. I wanted to give up. Then I had the thought to start writing on my blog. It’s been a minute since I’ve posted and thought, why not. So I did. And now I feel tons better. hahah. Love it.

So allow the feelings of emotions. Let them come up when they come up. Cuz if you don’t…those suckers are gonna get suppressed and buuuillllld up until you just go cray cray one day… and who knows when and where and on who.

Then write it out or talk it out. Sometimes I’ve recorded how my day has gone and same thing… as I’m doing so thoughts and inspiration and feelings of how I can shift will come up and I’ll leave it feeling A TON better.

ALWAYS make a list of your wins each day. A lot of times our ‘insides’ are shifting a lot faster than our ‘outsides’ (conscious mind) and we get upset at that humanness and sometimes we don’t see the subtle shifts until we give light to them. THEN you realize.. OMG I’m not a complete waste today after all and that was pretty dang good what I did.

Some days totally rock and yes some days just royally suck. And that’s totally okay. You’re human. I’m human.

Just take it one day at a time.

I’ve been thinking about distractions a lot lately. Specifically personal distractions. I myself have found that I tend to get in that space quite easily when I’m working towards a specific goal or finishing a project or wanting to get to the root of a personal issue.

I’ve been trying to understand and fill a space that has felt a little void or off for the last few months and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Until tonight.

I have been trying to work so hard on letting go of false beliefs, having personal sessions to up my energy and make sure I’m connected to all the lighter things in my life. Yet, I wasn’t completely feeling like ‘me’.

I’ve gone this merri-go-round before when it came to me and pursuing my path and being able to use my gifts to create something I was passionate about and that could serve others in my highest way. I created A LOT of distractions. I delved into a few different things, dipping my toes in the water and feeling it out. Staying longer in some places than others but always coming to the same conclusion… ‘Nope, not quite it. That was a created distraction. Purposeful and lessons learned but yes some kind of distraction.

I found myself on the same merri-go-round with my personal being lately. I was bouncing around trying to learn of an understand different parts of me on a deeper level, yet never quite feeling like, ‘yep this is it’. Now, I understand that we are always evolving and growing and changing. This specific merri-go-round ride, I was allowing a piece of me to be left by the wayside. And I wasn’t able to see it until I focused on trying to understand WHAT had changed. Where did I need to place my awareness?

I started combing through old posts and pictures. I started tuning into that part of me back then and thats when it hit me. I was focusing SO much on learning and understanding these new parts of me, that the other parts weren’t getting nurtured and used. I had completely departed from them.

It was amazing the awareness though because I could FEEL that part of me and how abandoned it had felt. It was just sitting there waiting to be rediscovered and played with again. It was kinda painful and at the same time it gave my heart a new little beat. Almost saying, ‘You see her again!’

I had totally gone away from my ‘silly side’. The side that would post whatever and not care. The side of me that would have dance parties alone or in my kitchen. The side of me that was care free and goofy.

Also the side of me that would share day to day lessons learned and little insights here and there. Inspiration in the moment.

Then I started to back track to find out WHAT had happened and WHY. The deeper and deeper I went and asked questions, I came to this….

FEAR.

All these different fears surrounding the part of me that I found surfaced.

‘Fear of feeling like I had to ‘prove’ myself. Fear that I had to be an ‘adult’. Fear that I was ‘wasting time. Fear of offending people. Fear of sharing what I’m learning. Fear of sharing my true thoughts and feelings for everyone to read. Fear that people will stop ‘liking’ me. Fear that they WONT like the REAL me.

Fear that I could actually be ALL of what I wanted to be.

FEAR.

I was closing up and off from THAT side of me what I had while discovering other parts of me. I let fear take over.

How many of us create distractions in our own lives because of fear? What fears hold us back from moving forward in different parts of our lives. How many of those fears are actually REAL? Rarely any of them. They’re legitimate feelings, yes. Yet the reality of them, no. They’re all false perceptions that we’re projecting out into our world. Our ego takes hold of those and goes cray cray. Distracting you from actually being and LIVING YOU.

All because of these FALSE lies we are telling ourselves and actually believing! They paralyze us. They keep us on the merri-go-round. They keep us frustrated. They keep us from being free to BE.

I don’t know about you but merri-go-rounds make me nauseous and feel like I wanna puke. So I’m gonna jump off this one. Feel free to grab my hand and come with 😉

I’ve been wanting to write a review of 2016 and what I learned and how it went, but gosh, I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve kind of been just starring at my computer screen with the words swirling around in my head with my eyes wide open, ‘Did that year just happen and did I really just survive all of that?’ beccuuuuzzz I’m pretty sure there were a few moments in time that I was positive that the sky was falling and my life was over.

It was a year that contained probably every emotion possible known to man. Along with feelings and emotions that I had never felt before. I have never grown so much so quickly. A lot of times it was me figuratively throwing a fit, kicking and stomping, and lying on the ground refusing to get up. But I got up. And I survived. And it has made me all the stronger because of it.

Sometimes I feel like I was thrown into a crash course. ‘Here Janica, you asked for it…JUMP and learn how to fly while you’re free falling’.

I will forever be grateful for this past year. Grateful for all the tears, heartache, loneliness, times where I wanted to chose out, feeling sick to my stomach, doubt from myself and others, confusion, feelings of being lost, being ‘written off’ by close people, fear, and days of not knowing how I will ever be able to feel happy again.

How can I be truly grateful for all of that?

All THAT is how I gained my strength, courage, and ability to learn to love ME. All of that is how I learned what unconditional love actually REALLY is. All of that is how I learned what FAITH really is. All of that is how I have come to know and practice what it means to truly be non-judgmental. All of that is how I gained a personal relationship with Christ. All of that taught me to trust myself like never before. All of that taught me to take 100% responsibility for my emotions and what went on in my life. All of that taught me A LOT about me.

At points, I HAD to go to the depths of me. The darkest parts that were uncomfortable to go to because of the pain that was stored. I had to go there to be able to come out on top. Or I would have stayed in my own judgements, doubts, shame, and guilt. I had to go there to really learn what made me, me. And then CHOSE what I wanted to become all while checking in with what was in alignment with who Janica was created to be.

I’ve really understood and learned how amazing life is. How amazing our bodies are. How amazingly divinely crafted each and every one of us and our lives are. I’ve felt and seen how truly ‘small’ we are in comparison to what’s going on around us. And that we don’t ‘know it all’ but there’s someone who does. And you get to check in with Him daily and how ever watching, loving and caring He is. He knows you and he’s ALWAYS there and the only person you should ask, ‘where did you go?’ to…is yourself.

2016 was a year where I really got to know who Janica was, is, and is becoming.

And… I kinda really like her. Like… a lot. (She’s pretty dang cool 😉 )

I didn’t used to. There used to be quite a bit of hate. There used to be tons of guilt, shame, and doubt. There used to be A LOT of wanting to be just liked other people.

I started out on a journey to learn to love who I was so that I could start to become who I was meant to be. I asked for it and boy did I get it. haha

I would say that the main most important things that I learned from 2016 are: choice, you know you, and it’s an inside job.

Choice: I could go on forever about choice. Simply…this is the beauty of being alive. We have choice and we can exercise choice EVERY second of EVERY day. You can choose to change. You don’t have to stay the same person you look at in the mirror and don’t like. You get to choose what you want.

You know YOU: You know you better than ANYONE else knows you. You were created amazing already, you just get to remember it. Everything you need to know, everything you get to do and be is ALREADY inside of you. You just get to remember! No one else has the same make up that you do. So let them be them and allow YOU to be you.

It’s an inside job: If you want your outside world to change, you’ve got to change your inside world. Starting from looking WITHIN will get you to where you’re trying to get. Once YOU expand, then everything else around you expands. You can wish and want all day long but unless you BELIEVE that you’re worth it or that you deserve it…you’re gonna self sabotage that stuff away from you all day long.

Do I want another year like 2016?? ummm… yes and no. haha.

I definitely am better equipped mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ll take whatever comes my way to allow me more growth, more faith, more love, more strength, more courage, more like-minded beings, more success, more joy, more choice, and more happiness.

I am GRATEFUL for 2016 and the amazing friends that I had by my side through each part of it. I would not have been able to get through certain points without them as friends and mentors. Yes, ‘I know I had it in me already’, but I would not have remembered, learned, or got through it as quickly without each of them separately. They know who they are and I am forever thankful for everything each of them has taught me, helped me with and through.

AND because of them and everything I have learned, I keep going toward my passion of mentoring others through this crazy fun adventure of life.

I’ve never been more hesitant and almost fearful to close one chapter and start writing the next. I was physically ill New Years Eve. I know it stemmed from my mental and emotional state. I was all sorts of crazied up inside.

That’s when I got to learn that I can CHOOSE how this next year will look and be. I am worthy and deserving of what I want in life. Annnddd drumroll…. so are you. Every. Single. one of you.

And changing that mindset got me excited for this new year. Took me three days in but I got there 😉  (That ‘unworthiness’ monster is sometimes a beast, haha)

What will you create for 2017?! What does it look like? What does it feel like??

It doesn’t have to look or feel like anything you don’t want it to. You have that choice, you have that power. Once you can feel and understand that, it makes a WORLD of difference!

Want in on that difference? Shoot me an email {[email protected]} and we can set up a time to chat and see if it’s a 100% fit and ‘yes’ on your end and mine.

This is going to be a year of change makers. I can feel it.

2017. Bring it.

A blank canvas

A gift to have and at the same time scary as hell. You have a life, something you’ve lived for 30 years and then wipe by wipe, false beliefs are being washed off or erased and the deeper to your core you go… you find a few beliefs that to you have been true. Lies of course, but to you they have been so real. You haven’t ever gone there or even admitted it… and then you find it after layer and layer of disposing of the old and lies. It scares you to even ADMIT that you have had that belief all along, so deep rooted.

Yet it’s freeing admitting and working on that lie. Releasing the energy of it while asking yourself what it is you DO believe in and realizing that you get to start with a blank canvas and DESIGN your life following the blue print you were given from birth and consulting with the contractor. YOU get to be the architect.

What if you have no clue how you want it to look? You’ve never had such freedom to just create whatever it is you wanted?! It gets a little overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes you feel so lost because everything you once ‘thought’ you knew…needed to be re-rooted. Sometimes you feel yourself just clawing at things to make you feel a PART of something. You don’t want to feel so blank and empty and alone. So you scurry from one ‘group’ to the other so that you feel part of a community, all while all this is doing for you (and you know it deep down) is distracting you from the blank canvas that you’ve been terrified to lay your paintbrush on. Or laying the first bit of concrete on your foundation.

What if I screw up? What if I choose the wrong color to start with? What if I make the foundation too thick? What if it’s too thin? What if it’s based on more false beliefs and lies and I don’t even realize it until later?

OR

Look at what I get to create! Look what I get to learn and understand on an even deeper level. I get to build such a SOLID foundation that I can just continue to check in with the contractor asking if this and this will hold, or this will make sense in the long run of what I want my design to be. I get to try things out, sketch a few here and there and see what connects and feels light and true.

Alright, that was a little vague, just wanted to paint a little picture for ya;)

I want to get real here. Real is sometimes scary. Especially when people you KNOW may read it. haha. And especially when I’m wanting to start my mentoring programs. (She STILL has struggles? Is she really even gonna know how to mentor me?! 😉 )

My intent from the beginning of Fuel Love was to be authentic to be real. Not to sugar coat anything I’m going through. I feel like we have turned into a society that ‘get’s real’ but it’s almost turned into a ‘cool’ thing while STILL not allowing ourselves to get REALLY real and connect on that deeper level of, ‘Hey I totally get you. I have had those same thoughts and feelings and it sucks, huh?’ ‘What did you do to get through it?’ And then develop those kinds of relationships that our souls crave: ‘legit non-judgmental, we all have feelings, not scared to share our struggles, show up completely as US, and have fun’ kind of relationships. NEVER thinking that anyone’s experience is less than or not right, etc etc. Just straight up REAL and HONEST and OPEN relationships.

In the last week, I’ve been working through what I feel like was at the core of my false beliefs and lies that I have picked up throughout my life and experiences and energy that I’ve carried with me.

When it popped up and came to the forefront of my attention it made SOOO much sense but then the further and further I went, I almost couldn’t believe what was there.

My ego has been having a hay day with these.

I’ve struggled with feeling worthy enough, deserving enough of the thing I truly want. I’ve struggled with feeling like I have something to actually share with the world. I’ve been working through that a TON.

Never actually DOING anything with Fuel Love because remnants of those dang beliefs keep popping up and paralyzing me.

‘I can’t do this. Who am I to mentor people? Who will even listen? Who will even want to invest in what I have to offer? Do I even have enough to offer?’

Well guess what? I haven’t allowed myself to even find out because I keep pushing back the dang leap! Thinking ‘I have to go to just one more seminar, I need to mentor with just one more person, I need to run a few more free groups and work with a few more people that will just let me use them as guinea pigs just to make sure I’ve got enough stuff to offer’ rather than just DOING and taking that leap.

I know they’re all lies and false. I DO know that. I HAVE come a long way in that.

Sooo… you want to know what the core beliefs I found the other night while listening to a mentors audio?

It hit me smack between the eyes. In the moment I almost felt a sense of relief! I had become aware of something HUGE that had been stuck deep down. I also started sobbing because it all the sudden made so much sense as to the struggle that I have created in my mind.

I had a deep down belief that love wasn’t real. It was all a joke. All a facade. All fake.

I sat in a moment of awe and disbelief and ‘NO WAY! I didn’t even realize that’ and excitement to finally move PAST that.

But then I got to thinking. Further and further. If I didn’t believe love was real. What do I even believe in at all? Love is in EVERYTHING. God is love. Then ya, I went there……. Do I have a lie deep down that I don’t even believe in God???

THAT is the one that I was afraid to admit. All my life I’ve been taught about Heavenly Father and Christ so here I am admitting to having a lie and false belief so deep in my core that I may not even believe in them. Or even think it was real. You can imagine where my mind went after that.. Scared to even mention that to ANYONE. They’re totally gonna think I’ve gone WAY nutso now. Etc. Etc.

But no, I’m not saying it’s true. Yet it was there and for me it was real. A belief that love wasn’t real, that God wasn’t real. So of course when I’ve tried to create everything I’ve wanted… Ego likes to jump in and take control of that one… ‘ya you’re right Janica.. you can’t ever have the type of relationship you want, you can’t ever be successful, you won’t ever be enough or have enough because you don’t even believe ANY of it exists’.

Feels gross and heavy, right? YA! Cuz it’s not true. And I know it and have been working through ridding myself of that deep core energy and belief that I’ve been carrying around with me for who knows how long.

BUT for a brief moment I allowed myself to go there and to REALLY feel what was going on with those beliefs. I had to have a ‘come to Jesus moment’ where I sat down and wrote out all my questions and then connected to the Divine and started asking away and writing out the TRUTHS that I know and as I felt them.

I started out with my blank canvas.

I know God is real.

I know Love is real.

I am here because of God and because of Love.

I have a lot to offer and people value it.

I am free to love myself and others and enjoy life.

I am worthy and deserving of success.

THOSE are truths.

Everything else that I have carried that counters that… they’re all lies. Yet for me, they felt real. They kept me scared, hidden, terrified, and paralyzed to speak up, do and be me.

I am grateful for everything that I have gone through, experienced, have been taught, and learned that has helped me choose to change those beliefs, to get rid of the energy of carrying them around to ALLOW myself to play full out in what I’m meant to do and be and live and love in this life.

And because of that, THAT is why Fuel Love was started in the first place. I know how it feels to be in that space of guilt, fear, confusion, trying SOO hard to fit in or be JUST like someone else. Not knowing what my path is, but just wanting soo bad to feel happy and KNOW who I was. It’s exhausting and it’s not full of anything light.

I want to help bridge that gap of living life with those thoughts constantly to ——> KNOWING who you are to the very depths of who you are and BEING that person. Being able to be so confident in living what brings you most joy, love, and being able to be happy dang it!

So, what would you create with your blank canvas or your newly purchased lot?!

Life does NOT have to be such a struggle to live a crazy happy, fulfilled, FUN life.

It does start with YOU though. Everything that you’re subconsciously trying to search for or attract in your life will NEVER fulfill what you’re searching for or not liking on the inside (and that is where we usually don’t like to admit needs changing)

Your outside world is a reflection of your inner world and THAT is why ‘self-love’ is so so so important. You will never be content until you are completely in love with YOU and who you are and allow and help others to learn and do the same.

SOOO guess what?!

Starting in the new year I’m going to be offering a few different options!! Whoop whoop!! I’m excited about this. THIS is my true passion. Transformation from the inside out with all the working pieces in harmony.

I’ll be offering group mentoring as well as one on one mentoring (!!!) and my Fuel Love Guide will be revamped to a more hands on experience and not just reading reading reading 😀 It finally feels like ME and what I’ve wanted it to be but never allowed myself to be patient enough to create it exactly how it felt it needed to be in the first place. ha!

Be on the lookout for that!

Yay for learning and growth and digging out our own inner crap to live the life we want to live 🙂