A gift to have and at the same time scary as hell. You have a life, something you’ve lived for 30 years and then wipe by wipe, false beliefs are being washed off or erased and the deeper to your core you go… you find a few beliefs that to you have been true. Lies of course, but to you they have been so real. You haven’t ever gone there or even admitted it… and then you find it after layer and layer of disposing of the old and lies. It scares you to even ADMIT that you have had that belief all along, so deep rooted.
Yet it’s freeing admitting and working on that lie. Releasing the energy of it while asking yourself what it is you DO believe in and realizing that you get to start with a blank canvas and DESIGN your life following the blue print you were given from birth and consulting with the contractor. YOU get to be the architect.
What if you have no clue how you want it to look? You’ve never had such freedom to just create whatever it is you wanted?! It gets a little overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes you feel so lost because everything you once ‘thought’ you knew…needed to be re-rooted. Sometimes you feel yourself just clawing at things to make you feel a PART of something. You don’t want to feel so blank and empty and alone. So you scurry from one ‘group’ to the other so that you feel part of a community, all while all this is doing for you (and you know it deep down) is distracting you from the blank canvas that you’ve been terrified to lay your paintbrush on. Or laying the first bit of concrete on your foundation.
What if I screw up? What if I choose the wrong color to start with? What if I make the foundation too thick? What if it’s too thin? What if it’s based on more false beliefs and lies and I don’t even realize it until later?
Look at what I get to create! Look what I get to learn and understand on an even deeper level. I get to build such a SOLID foundation that I can just continue to check in with the contractor asking if this and this will hold, or this will make sense in the long run of what I want my design to be. I get to try things out, sketch a few here and there and see what connects and feels light and true.
Alright, that was a little vague, just wanted to paint a little picture for ya;)
I want to get real here. Real is sometimes scary. Especially when people you KNOW may read it. haha. And especially when I’m wanting to start my mentoring programs. (She STILL has struggles? Is she really even gonna know how to mentor me?! 😉 )
My intent from the beginning of Fuel Love was to be authentic to be real. Not to sugar coat anything I’m going through. I feel like we have turned into a society that ‘get’s real’ but it’s almost turned into a ‘cool’ thing while STILL not allowing ourselves to get REALLY real and connect on that deeper level of, ‘Hey I totally get you. I have had those same thoughts and feelings and it sucks, huh?’ ‘What did you do to get through it?’ And then develop those kinds of relationships that our souls crave: ‘legit non-judgmental, we all have feelings, not scared to share our struggles, show up completely as US, and have fun’ kind of relationships. NEVER thinking that anyone’s experience is less than or not right, etc etc. Just straight up REAL and HONEST and OPEN relationships.
In the last week, I’ve been working through what I feel like was at the core of my false beliefs and lies that I have picked up throughout my life and experiences and energy that I’ve carried with me.
When it popped up and came to the forefront of my attention it made SOOO much sense but then the further and further I went, I almost couldn’t believe what was there.
My ego has been having a hay day with these.
I’ve struggled with feeling worthy enough, deserving enough of the thing I truly want. I’ve struggled with feeling like I have something to actually share with the world. I’ve been working through that a TON.
Never actually DOING anything with Fuel Love because remnants of those dang beliefs keep popping up and paralyzing me.
‘I can’t do this. Who am I to mentor people? Who will even listen? Who will even want to invest in what I have to offer? Do I even have enough to offer?’
Well guess what? I haven’t allowed myself to even find out because I keep pushing back the dang leap! Thinking ‘I have to go to just one more seminar, I need to mentor with just one more person, I need to run a few more free groups and work with a few more people that will just let me use them as guinea pigs just to make sure I’ve got enough stuff to offer’ rather than just DOING and taking that leap.
I know they’re all lies and false. I DO know that. I HAVE come a long way in that.
Sooo… you want to know what the core beliefs I found the other night while listening to a mentors audio?
It hit me smack between the eyes. In the moment I almost felt a sense of relief! I had become aware of something HUGE that had been stuck deep down. I also started sobbing because it all the sudden made so much sense as to the struggle that I have created in my mind.
I had a deep down belief that love wasn’t real. It was all a joke. All a facade. All fake.
I sat in a moment of awe and disbelief and ‘NO WAY! I didn’t even realize that’ and excitement to finally move PAST that.
But then I got to thinking. Further and further. If I didn’t believe love was real. What do I even believe in at all? Love is in EVERYTHING. God is love. Then ya, I went there……. Do I have a lie deep down that I don’t even believe in God???
THAT is the one that I was afraid to admit. All my life I’ve been taught about Heavenly Father and Christ so here I am admitting to having a lie and false belief so deep in my core that I may not even believe in them. Or even think it was real. You can imagine where my mind went after that.. Scared to even mention that to ANYONE. They’re totally gonna think I’ve gone WAY nutso now. Etc. Etc.
But no, I’m not saying it’s true. Yet it was there and for me it was real. A belief that love wasn’t real, that God wasn’t real. So of course when I’ve tried to create everything I’ve wanted… Ego likes to jump in and take control of that one… ‘ya you’re right Janica.. you can’t ever have the type of relationship you want, you can’t ever be successful, you won’t ever be enough or have enough because you don’t even believe ANY of it exists’.
Feels gross and heavy, right? YA! Cuz it’s not true. And I know it and have been working through ridding myself of that deep core energy and belief that I’ve been carrying around with me for who knows how long.
BUT for a brief moment I allowed myself to go there and to REALLY feel what was going on with those beliefs. I had to have a ‘come to Jesus moment’ where I sat down and wrote out all my questions and then connected to the Divine and started asking away and writing out the TRUTHS that I know and as I felt them.
I started out with my blank canvas.
I know God is real.
I know Love is real.
I am here because of God and because of Love.
I have a lot to offer and people value it.
I am free to love myself and others and enjoy life.
I am worthy and deserving of success.
THOSE are truths.
Everything else that I have carried that counters that… they’re all lies. Yet for me, they felt real. They kept me scared, hidden, terrified, and paralyzed to speak up, do and be me.
I am grateful for everything that I have gone through, experienced, have been taught, and learned that has helped me choose to change those beliefs, to get rid of the energy of carrying them around to ALLOW myself to play full out in what I’m meant to do and be and live and love in this life.
And because of that, THAT is why Fuel Love was started in the first place. I know how it feels to be in that space of guilt, fear, confusion, trying SOO hard to fit in or be JUST like someone else. Not knowing what my path is, but just wanting soo bad to feel happy and KNOW who I was. It’s exhausting and it’s not full of anything light.
I want to help bridge that gap of living life with those thoughts constantly to ——> KNOWING who you are to the very depths of who you are and BEING that person. Being able to be so confident in living what brings you most joy, love, and being able to be happy dang it!
So, what would you create with your blank canvas or your newly purchased lot?!
Life does NOT have to be such a struggle to live a crazy happy, fulfilled, FUN life.
It does start with YOU though. Everything that you’re subconsciously trying to search for or attract in your life will NEVER fulfill what you’re searching for or not liking on the inside (and that is where we usually don’t like to admit needs changing)
Your outside world is a reflection of your inner world and THAT is why ‘self-love’ is so so so important. You will never be content until you are completely in love with YOU and who you are and allow and help others to learn and do the same.
SOOO guess what?!
Starting in the new year I’m going to be offering a few different options!! Whoop whoop!! I’m excited about this. THIS is my true passion. Transformation from the inside out with all the working pieces in harmony.
I’ll be offering group mentoring as well as one on one mentoring (!!!) and my Fuel Love Guide will be revamped to a more hands on experience and not just reading reading reading 😀 It finally feels like ME and what I’ve wanted it to be but never allowed myself to be patient enough to create it exactly how it felt it needed to be in the first place. ha!
Be on the lookout for that!
Yay for learning and growth and digging out our own inner crap to live the life we want to live 🙂
I’ll admit, my last post was maybe a little harsh and straight forward. I felt strongly that I needed to share my thoughts BUT I wasn’t completely in a space coming from just love.
Let’s just say I can get a little sassy. It’s one thing I’m always trying to tone down. haha. A little bit of sass is good but where’s the intent?
I was sharing because it felt strong, but I still needed to do a little forgiveness with others and myself before posting it. There was a bit of ‘I’ll show you’ attitude mixed in with it annnnnd that’s never good. I was hurt and I let it get to me in ways that weren’t for my best good nor for the energy and intent behind the post and it carried over into it.
I apologize. I don’t claim to be perfect by any means. Even though I let that little demon sit inside for far too long sometimes 😉
I get passionate and sometimes when I’m going through really hard and emotional things I get the attitude of wanting to help people see the effects of the pain. That is where I am off. That is where I am trying to control situations, people, outcomes. And for me, that is not in anyone’s highest good. It feels heavy and it gets me stuck. It doesn’t spread any goodness and just carries more pain and lower vibes.
I don’t need to ‘prove’ myself to anyone. I don’t need anyone on ‘my side’. Even though that’s the self trap I put myself into over and over again. I’m trying to (in my mind) force those that I think are supposed to support me and understand to actually support and understand me. And again, that’s where I’m off.
A quote that I have been loving lately is ‘You be you, and I’ll be me’. Love everyone for who they are and don’t try and force or control or change anyone into being or becoming who YOU think they should be or what role they’re meant to play in your life. Cuz the truth is, we don’t really know… We don’t know the lessons that we need that are for our highest good. We don’t always understand why things play out the way they seem to play out. All we can do is love ourselves enough that we allow ourselves to have the capacity to love others the same way. Because if we don’t love ourselves… how is it even possible to completely love others?
Just needed to share this little post today. I’m not always ‘on’. I make mistakes and I’m trying to learn from all of my mistakes.
*I feel like I need to preface my posts for a while with the comment that I’m never writing anything to ‘make people feel sorry for me’ or ‘make anyone feel bad or calling anyone out’. This is my experience. These are things that I am learning. These are things I feel inspired to share. I am 100% okay if people don’t agree or have differing opinions. That’s the beauty of everyone having their own stories, we get to learn from each other, grow together, and support!
Now I get why not a lot of people want to share their struggles and their reality. haha
Some people will be supportive of YOU, yet may not understand and you still don’t feel the judgement from them.
Some people wont be supportive at all and will make it known.
Some people will say they’re supportive and then assume and ask all kinds of questions as if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Some people will say it to your face, some people won’t.
After sharing what I did, I wasn’t sure what the response would be. All I knew is that I needed to share. I was pleasantly surprised by the response. I was doing okay for the first day after. Then a few comments here and there started to trickle in. A couple in particular stopped me in my tracks and I crumbled to my bed and bawled.
I know I know, how can I let one or two ‘not amazing’ comments get to me over all the people that reached out?! And after some really really cool conversations with those struggling themselves?!
Remember my weakness of people pleasing and doubting myself?
There comes a point when you allow yourself to share the deepest parts of you or get the courage to even share ANYTHING, that things are still a little fragile at first. Whether it’s sharing something huge or not.
One comment was after a live video I did on my personal FB page about Love. I felt very strongly I needed to share what I have learned.
I was not connecting it directly to my marriage. I was connecting it to what I have learned over the span of the last year and a half since starting Fuel Love.
It took me THIRTY MINUTES of sitting in my chair, trying to boost up my self confidence and prayed, did some simple yoga, doused myself in oils and asked over and over to be guided to say the right thing that I would just share something that would touch someone all while feeling calm while I did so.
I about bowed out and didn’t do it. But I did. And it felt awesome.
Then I got a comment about how selfish I was being in my thoughts and actions recently.
It’s not the first time I have been called selfish since starting Fuel Love.
Right then, it was a dagger.
I immediately started questioning ever sharing anything asking over and over why why why? Why do I feel so strongly to share my story and what I’ve learned and to LIVE my passion and what I feel called to do?
Then it hit me and I remembered. I remembered who I was. I remembered WHOSE I was. I’m not saying I’m anything special. I’m not anyone more than anyone else. We each have something in us to share. We each have something to share to help someone else go through the same feelings and/or experience. I’ve fought hard to be in alignment with what I know God wants me to do/share and I can’t let one or two triggers and soft spots stop me.
If everyone did that, we wouldn’t have half the things we have today. We wouldn’t have half the people we look up today that went against the grain and kept pushing through despite all the naysayers and doubters and those that didn’t believe in them.
Ya I get that what I’m going through and what my experience is ‘not of the ”norm” but I want to mention a few cool things that I have personally experienced concerning judgement.
The second you think that they ‘didn’t think things all the way through’ or that ‘they don’t know what they’re in for’…you’re judging them.
I didn’t realize how subconsciously judgemental I was until a very dear friend pointed it out to me a few years ago. She was a deep feeler and she was going through a tough time herself. I ‘supported’ her through out it all but there was always this dis-ease when we would talk about things. I could FEEL my judgement whenever we would talk about her situation. In the back of my mind, I was always thinking… ‘Oh well it’s because she doesn’t understand this’…or ‘It’s because she’s not thinking about this or this’.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it until one day we just slowly lost contact and I reached out to her a few months after. She opened up to me about how she just had to stop having conversations with me and be connected so closely because the judgement coming from me was just too strong.
I knew exactly what she was talking about and she was right. It hurt. It hurt because it was something I knew I struggled with and also something I thought I had overcome. But also I had a hard time ‘going there’ because it was such a pained struggle for me.
Over the next year after that I wanted to REALLY understand what I was doing and HOW was I being judgemental.
BECAUSE of what I have chosen, it leaves room for LOTS of judgment. Concerned people suggesting I didn’t do enough, or try enough or look hard enough at all that would happen because of my/our choice. That everything I am doing is selfish.
This is what I believe and this is what I have experienced. The second that we THINK anything about anyone elses experience that leads you to ‘Well that’s because they don’t understand this or that’ that is a judgment. The second we think ‘we know better for someone else because of our own experience’ that is a judgement.
Yes there is something to be said of ‘me, having gone through something can help others not have the same heartache or problems etc etc.’ But think of the INTENT of you sharing. Is it because you think that your struggle was ‘wrong’ and that you should have chosen something different and so you want them to, too? Or is it more along the lines of, ‘I’ll share my experience and allow you to take from it what you feel is right for you’? And then let them have their experience without being angry or bugged that they didn’t follow what you think they should have? Or taken away from your experience what you think they should have?
If you think you ‘know better’ for someone else’s life, you’re automatically judging them. Your story is not their story. Your day to day experience is not their experience. How you handle things is not the same way that they will handle things. The way they navigate things is not the same way you navigate things.
It was the best feeling to come in contact with an experience that a few years ago, I would have judged. I would have had all those little thought bubbles pop up about how it’s because they don’t understand, or they aren’t seeing it, or or or.
I was working on someone over the phone and half way through the zone, it came up that she no longer was part of the faith that she used to be. That she chose to leave. I thought it was interesting but nothing else. I continued on with the session and throughout the rest of it had the distinct impression over and over that I needed to ask her about her story. At the very end, I just simply asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling me her story.
She opened up about it and told me her story and then at the end she thanked me for asking and listening without any judgement. She told me that she can feel deeply and many times people have asked her story because they feel like they ‘have’ to but that many times she will feel the judgement directed at her.
We hung up and I started crying. Her story was something that I previously would have thrown up all the judgment. I had nothing but compassion and love for her. No subconscious judgment, nothing. I had wanted to feel that feeling for so long.
I’m not sharing this to boast that oh, look at me I don’t judge. I still find myself once in a while getting into that state of mind. Especially when I feel it AGAINST me, then I’ll catch myself having thoughts of ‘well it’s just cuz they haven’t dealt with this or this, or they’re not aware of this or that’. That my friends is judgement! I’ll have to stop myself and remind myself that they have they’re own experience and I have mine.
All that everyone wants is to be LOVED through their experiences. They just want to share their story and not feel like they have to hide.
BUT again, there’s two sides to that BECAUSE…. me wanting to hide if I FEEL judgment… is a judgment.. haha. I’m automatically judging them because of how they’re perceiving me.
So here’s the other part to that that I allowed myself to get in to.
I WANTED to control how people reacted. I wanted to badly that EVERYONE understands why I/we made the choice that we made. I wanted to hold everyone up to this ‘standard’ that they wouldn’t do or say some of the things that they have said.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that all light was gone from me and that I was being led by dark.
I didn’t want to be told that I was ruining my children’s lives.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that I was selfish.
I wanted all feedback to be, ‘Oh my gosh, I totally FEEL you and know this or that’ ‘You’re totally doing the right thing for you’. Etc.
So me getting angry or upset or hurt that the other things were said to me… is a judgement on my part.
The end all??
There’s fear and there’s love.
Judgement comes from fear. Judgment of what someone is doing or saying is your own fear or something you don’t understand yourself.
We fear what we don’t understand. We automatically go into judgment because of that fear.
The more we can look at others through the eyes of, ‘This is their story and it’s hard enough as it is. I have NO CLUE what’s really going on and I don’t need to. It’s none of my business. What I can do is send them love and light and TRUST. They’re going through what they need to to become THEM. They are going through their own refiners fire. They will come out ten times more amazing on the other side. I will be there for them when they need me and be along side of them when they need someone to lean on or someone to remind them that they’ve got whatever comes their way. I will be the one person they know they can turn to to just talk and help them through their feelings’ the more that we can release ourselves from judgment and fear and see everyone through the eyes of Love.
So I guess that last post (when being vulnerable is scary) was kind of a ‘left you hanging’ kind of post. Not 100% intentional. More along the lines of ‘Oh my gosh, I may faint if I post this’ ‘What are people going to initially think about me?’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ ‘I’m making this a bigger deal than it really is’ And on and on and on…
My biggest weakness is worrying what other people think of me. I’m a people pleaser, I don’t like to be the ’cause’ of anyone else’s pain. Being someone who feels things deeply makes it a perfect storm for myself.
Like, it gets pretty bad. After I published the post yesterday, I slowly physically started feeling ill. My mind started going crazy with more worrying and questioning what in the heck I was doing.
“Some are going to think I’m just doing this for attention.”
“Others have bigger trials than me, so what gives me the ‘right’ to share or ‘go public’ with mine?”
“I don’t want to feel any more judgement.”
“I feel so stupid after posting that.”
“I think I want to go crawl in a hole.”
Plus a butt load of other ones.
I took an Epsom salt bath with some oils because by the time I had put my kids to bed, I was wasted physically. After the bath it was 8 o’clock and I crawled right into bed. My body was drained of any energy. My body hurt.
THAT is how powerful our minds are. I’m not a stranger to this happening. The more aware I’ve become of my physical body and mind I can tell what’s going on. I knew it was all emotional. My thoughts all day long were negative and full of doubt. And my body responded. Plus freaking out about writing THIS post.
So, what is my reality?
My reality is that daily I’m trying to push past my fears of worrying and people pleasing in doing and becoming who I know I am and doing what I know I am meant to be doing despite doubts from myself and others.
My reality is that my marriage ended September 20th.
That reality has caused A LOT of pain. Not just for me but for others. If you’re a worrier and people pleaser/don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain… can imagine and know exactly how I have been feeling.
Thus, the hardest 7 months of my life. I know you’re maybe thinking after reading that, “WHAT?! Why? What happened?”
We made a choice. I made a choice. A choice that we didn’t completely understand at times and then at other times I had a COMPLETE understanding as to why. It’s not your ‘normal’ situation and from there a lot of misunderstanding and pain from others surrounding.
Everyone has their ‘hard’ and ‘painful’ in life. This is mine/ours.
Everyone has something that only God knows will stretch them beyond what they could ever imagine to become more than they’ve ever imagined. This is my/our something right now.
I don’t expect everyone or anyone actually to understand (which yes I have been fighting that too…wanting to have EVERYONE listen and FEEL where I’m coming from so that they can ‘see’ what’s going on and understand and know I’m not completely bat crazy) and THAT has been a huge lesson for me too. Not everyone will understand or want to and that’s okay. How would it help me in the areas that God knows I need to grow if everyone understood it?
I don’t always have the answers for why things feel they need to be a certain way or how or when we are meant to learn things a certain way. All I know is that I KNOW without a doubt that this was meant to be. There have been many amazingly perfect confirmations and spiritual experiences along the way for me to ever completely doubt. I can’t say that I didn’t EVER doubt along the way buut that’s a story for another post.
And for reasons both known and unknown I have felt strongly to share my reality, my daily, my learning and my growth from the get go when Fuel Love came to be.
Sometimes things don’t always make sense while we are going through them and then in hindsight all the dots connect.
The trick and biggest learning experience in all of that is to stay in gratitude and love. Grateful for EVERYTHING you’re going through and being able to SEE them as helping you not hurting you. Life happens FOR us, not TO us. Our mindset stuck in the negative will keep us in the ‘happening TO us’ phase. But if we can learn to manage where our mind goes and keep it in the positive we can see the beauty unfold. How would we grow if everything was easy all the time?
LOVE. Love everyone and everything no matter what is thrown your way. They’re going through their own experiences too. They need just as much love and good thoughts sent their way as you think you need or want. What is said and done again isn’t happening to you, it’s for you. There’s some learning in there about how others may treat you. All you can do is love. It doesn’t do any good to have anything else replace that. Yes, pain is felt and you are more than okay to grieve but don’t let the hurt and anger stay IN you. Forgive, love and be grateful.
A lot of times I have liked to think I was smarter than God and tried to control what outcomes would happen out of this situation and others, also. But I’m not. All I can do continually strengthen my relationship with Christ, have faith, trust, see my life as a continual learning path of growth. Seeing and finding the JOY and fun that life is meant to be and is full of.
The struggle is real and I’m not here to say, ‘I’ve finally made it, my life is so fun and happy every day!’
I don’t have it all together. It’s a constant thing I get to work on daily. Just like muscle, a little effort a day makes it stronger and stronger. Some days really suck. Some days are amazing. Some days are half and half. Balance. We wouldn’t appreciate the amazing without the crap.
So this. This is my reality and I’m grateful to be able to share my struggles, my lessons, my growth, my learning, and my successes with you.
Move forward daily, or be stuck in the same cycle you have always been in.
Man, If I had a dollar for every time this has happened to me, (the stuck part) within the last year, I’d be rich. I’m a recovering people pleaser 😉 With that comes WORRY.
“Well if I do this, they will think this but if I try this, this might do this, but maybe if I switched just this then they wouldn’t think that…” And on and on and on. Painful to read, right? Painful to LIVE in. I’ve allowed myself to live in that. The constant worry of what OTHERS are thinking. The constant trying to switch around what I’m doing to please EVERYONE ELSE.
Let me tell ya, that is NOT a fun way to live. Constant headaches when I’m in that state of mind. I fall into this super super easy. Sometimes without even realizing I’m doing it. Until my headache is too much to bear or it just starts getting really annoying.
So how have I tried to get out of my constant battle? Move forward with ME. It’s a continual battle for me almost DAILY. It gets exhausting. I get so worried about what I’m doing and how it will effect others because I don’t want anyone to hurt that I forget about ME. What do I need to do to move forward and follow what my path is?
Number one problem with my tendency above to make sure that no one is effected by what I’m doing….I’m robbing them of their experience in life. I truly believe that everything we go through is perfect for US. We each have our individual life lessons we need to learn and sometimes the same as others, a lot of times not. So by me trying to people please and throw a pillow under people every time I do something that may cause a ripple in their life, I’m doing a disservice to them and me. I’m doing a disservice to their experience and I’m devaluing and not even believing in MY OWN experience. I’m not allowing myself to be ME.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t care about people or what they’re going through. I’ve actually learned that unconditional love is NOT being a buffer for someone else’s experience of maybe a reflection of what you are doing. I can be there in support for them, I can send them love and good vibes all day. But I’m doing them more harm by trying to soften what they’re going through. We each NEED the experiences we go through to learn and to grow. So by me allowing them that experience I am loving them enough to be there for them if they need me, but I can’t try and take the experience or pain away.
Enter hamster wheel. I’ve been stuck in that dang thing way too many times. Good learning experiences for sure but how many times do I have to bang my head against the same wall until I get it!? For REEAALLLZZZ.
How do my headaches go away? Focus on what I’m being told to do. Focus on asking what I can do daily to love myself. Focus on what my next step to move forward is. Focus on expanding what I can do to feel light and free daily.
I’m up at 4:51 am writing this because I’m going through the same thing again and can’t sleep because of the headache, so I might as well write about it so I can work through it 😉
When I started Fuel Love, I wanted to make sure that I was real, authentic, and not scared to share the real me and what went on in my life. I felt like I did a pretty good job of that, for a while anyway.
Then life got crazy. And I stopped. Because the kind of crazy that my life started to turn toward got judged and misunderstood. By a few close people. Things were said and done that were hurtful and a lot of pain surrounded that. A LOT of loneliness. I felt like I couldn’t be vulnerable and share what I was feeling and learning in the moment because the pain was too much to handle at times. So I hid. I hid what I was really feeling. I stopped sharing the vulnerable, authentic part of me.
I didn’t want MORE of that pain. If those closest to me brought that, what would EVERYONE else think??
I’ve had a constant ‘tapping’ on my shoulder lately that it’s okay to be vulnerable and share my story. And that I need to. It’s okay to have that part of me be seen again. It was always okay. I feel heavy when I tell myself that I just want to hide that part of my life and never say a word about what I have been learning or going through the past 7 months.
It’s been the HARDEST 7 months of my entire life. I have never learned more during that time. I have never felt closer to Heaven the last 7 months. I have never felt so hopeless and alone, yet so loved and looked out for by Christ and my guardian angels both seen and unseen. I have never been so close to wanting to end my life yet never felt so brave, courageous, proud of myself and full of hope in my entire life.
Even though it has been crazy hard, I can now see and understand that everything happened how it was meant to. I would not have learned what I have, without it all. I would not have learned my strength, I would not have learned to not doubt myself if it were not for people and experiences along the way that at the time hurt, but now I am SOO thankful for them. It was a blessing in disguise.
I truly believe we made certain commitments to different people before we came to this earth. Some to help others, some to help others learn, some to teach, etc. etc. I cannot hold onto any grudge because I know I wanted this learning and growth experience and those people and experiences were doing JUST that; holding to their end of the commitment that we agreed to help each other on.
Through it all, I have been learning what true forgiveness really is. I have been learning what unconditional love really is. I have been learning what it feels like to only be able to rely on Christ and be centered in Him and to feel like I have an actual relationship with Him.
I’ve been learning that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. That I can do hard things that I know without a doubt are right for me even if 90% of everyone else doesn’t believe me or even IN me.
I have overcome some fears and have had lots of other ones brought to the surface. I have been learning more about myself and how life works than ever before.
It has changed me. And some may say for the worse.
I know for myself, that without a doubt, it has changed me for the better.
I am still understanding and grasping who I really am. Learning to continually love ME despite what some may think of me. Learning that THAT shouldn’t even matter at all.
I am finally TRULY learning what love really is and what it means to LOVE. Myself and others. How to REALLY Fuel Love.
I’m excited to start sharing ‘me’ again. Piece by piece of my own journey. Nothing shared will be meant to bash or shame or anything of that nature towards anyone. This is MY story. This is MY real. This is MY path.
This is me. It has been hurting me by not sharing what is real. There is a time and place for everything and I needed some time and space to heal but when you start getting the subtle nudges that, okay… it’s okay to share. And I’ve fought those nudges for a month now. It’s scary to share your reality. It’s scary to put yourself out there.
But this is me.
I share to be me. I share to be real. I share in hopes that I can just help or inspire one person that may be struggling or just needs to know someone else ‘gets it’ or has ‘been there, too’. This life is about connection. This life is about service. This life is about sharing. Share our stories to connect and help.
We read those a lot while scrolling through instragram or facebook.
What does that even MEAN?!
It really is kind of self explanatory if you think about it. It’s the ‘how’ to do it that I think most of us get stumped on.
Heck, it’s just plain HARD sometimes to be real, authentic, open, raw, etc. You get criticized and judged for being real sometimes. People make you out to be a bad person, bad parent if you share the REAL you. Then guilt sets in. Then shame starts to creep it’s way in.
Why would you WANT to share the real you if those feelings are going to nuzzle themselves right in again. They’re not pleasant. But yet we let them.
So here’s what I think, and here is what I have learned…’so far’. Cuz we all still learning, yo.
What if, you focused on being real, true, authentic to YOURSELF??? Then you don’t even need to worry about everyone else. Because let’s face it…. that’s the hardest thing to do.
‘So you’re telling me to be REAL with myself?? I am freaking real with myself… I LIVE with myself 24-7. I can’t ever get away from myself.’
Here’s what I mean.
How often do you allow yourself to see all the deep dark secrets that you’ve hidden for so long? Those coming from experiences growing up where you felt embarrassment, shame, guilt, stupid, ugly?
Are those tucked away somewhere? Things piled on top of so high that you’ve pretty much forgot about them?
What about our habits or our cycles that tend to lean more toward the negative aspect? Are those looked at, or do we tend to ignore them BECAUSE it will bring up all those negative feelings that we experienced AGAIN. And who really wants to deal with that pain again, because ‘you should to be better than that. You should be over that by now. You shouldn’t let THAT bug you. You should be perfect in that by now. You shouldn’t have to need to learn that again.’ and on and on.
Society paints a pretty little picture about how each of us should be. So good in fact, that a lot of us have forgotten who we are. Like really really who we are. What makes us individual, what makes us tick, our quirks, our likes, our dislikes. We’ve even forgotten the best parts about ourselves. How we’re sooo much more capable than we can even see. That we can have the capacity to love beyond what we can even imagine right now. That we can CREATE the type of life that we want to live. We can choose how we feel daily. We can choose how we will act and react. That we can actually LAUGH on a daily basis. More than once. And that it’s actually okay AND good for you.
Some of us will never allow ourselves or choose in to get there.
Because we’re afraid of ourselves.
We’re afraid to uncover what was once covered up with the intent to ‘just forget about it’. We’re afraid to show that maybe some pretty crappy things have happened to us throughout our life. We’re afraid that we’ll make even more mistakes and then we’ll get laughed at and made fun of. We’re afraid that we’ll be embarrassed because we should have learned that already. We don’t want to hate ourselves anymore than we do already. And our reaction to all those? They hurt. Sometimes they hurt real bad.
You know what we’re even more afraid of though? We’re afraid of ourselves if we WEREN’T afraid of ourselves. We’re afraid of what we might learn. We’re afraid of the NEW person we might become. We’re afraid of the possibilities. We’re afraid what it might be like to actually be happy all the time. We’re afraid what it might feel like to wake up excited about our day and life.
It’s so foreign to us now. We’re afraid of the unknown. We’ve been trying to be this person sitting on top of all the ‘way down dark corner secrets’ that we don’t know what will happen if we stand up, uncover it, and see who we TRULY are without all of that piled up.
Here’s the thing…..We can’t afford NOT to.
You’re really going to go your whole life being afraid of YOURSELF? Being afraid to LIVE and BE who you are??? Well, maybe you are but maybe you’re not. Here’s what I’ve learned about all those things that we’ve all quietly swept under the rug…
They’re actually there to HELP US BECOME who we are.
No one just wakes up amazingly confident. No one just wakes up strong and unstoppable in WHO they are. No one just wakes up with amazing courage and no fear at all. No ones just wakes up having amazing success.
All those traits…those traits were learned, practiced, and fought for. And how?
By lifting up that rug, being honest with yourself and the trials and things you personally struggle with. Then sorting through them, sharing some of them, experiencing the emotions from them so that they can learn the lessons from each and every one. Because through the pain, through the doubt, through the sharing, through the despair, loneliness, and heartache is WHERE we learn the confidence, strength and courage.
You don’t know the complete joy without the complete sorrow. You don’t know how to truly feel loved without feeling unloved. You don’t know how to have amazing courage without feeling the deepest fear. You don’t understand confidence without feeling completely shattered.
Don’t believe that? Well you’ll never know until you try.
So why are we so afraid to be real, authentic and true to ourselves, when being open real and raw with ourselves is how we will FIND ourselves?
The courageous you. The smart you. The loving you. The happy you. The joyful you. The strong you. The amazing you. The funny you. The inspiring you. The confident you.
The. REAL. YOU.
Not a lot of people will lift up that rug to find that.
LOVE. What is it even? What does it even mean? What does it even entail?
We go throughout our whole lives chasing, craving, striving for love. Is it the same for everyone? Why are there so many that feel unloved? Why are there so many that feel like they can’t give enough love?
Where does it come from? Why can others feel it and others not?
Now, I’m not claiming my take on love as what it REALLY is. These are just my thoughts. These are just my understandings and feelings. And they’re ever growing.
Love is a constant. Love is always there. It’s not an action, nor a feeling. It’s even deeper than only being energy.
It’s just there.
It was never created nor will it ever be destroyed.
It’s a deep connection. A deep knowing and understanding.
Love is a flow. Love is a dance. Love is a song.
Ever changing yet constant.
Our connections with people and things are all different flows. Different dances and songs. The ‘music’ is already there, how we dance and move to it is up to us. But we will be led if we open up to where the music is taking us. And flow with it.
Feeling and sending love is just allowing that flow and dance to intertwine between people and things. When we feel unloved, we’re not allowing the song and dance to be heard or seen. It’s not because someone is not sending it because it is already all around us. No one else can control where the flow comes or goes to you.
YOU are love. Love is already a constant within and all around you. You are ALWAYS worthy of it because of that. What are you allowing in your thoughts and life to keep you from seeing, hearing, and flowing with the music? What is making you believe that you have to block that flow from flowing around, to, and from within you?
The more I’m learning to be completely ME, the more I learn about love. I believe we ALL learn more about love when we allow ourselves to be unapologetically ourselves. (red squiggly line says it’s not a word, it is today;) haha)
We all ARE love. The more you are true to you, love flows easier around and through you.
If you’re not feeling the love, what about you are you not being true to?…
This is a harder one to write but I have such a strong desire to help others know they’re not alone and that it is OKAY and will be okay.
This next week I’m teaching a class about eating healthy. Recently, conversations that I’m a part of always go in the direction of eating and the struggles. I’m a firm believer and advocate of learning to listen to our own bodies so that we’re getting the nutrients that we need. Nature never repeats itself. No two people are alike. That means what works for us may not work EXACTLY the same for someone else.
If you’re just starting to learn how to live a healthier lifestyle and changing up your eating, it’s great to get a base of what that even is but don’t get so caught up in doing exactly what they tell you with no thought of what YOU and YOUR body need. Your body WILL tell you what it needs and does not need. It’s simple. Not always easy, but simple. You just ask. It takes some practice, but I KNOW it works and anyone can do it.
That is my take on how everyone should learn to eat healthy. Get the basics down and then learn to listen to what your body needs to fuel it properly.
This is where it’s gotten interesting for me the last month or so. Lately I’ve been SUPER exhausted. I’ve been super dizzy and blacking out a lot when I stand up. I didn’t know what was going on.
Back up almost 3 1/2 years ago, this same thing happened when my daughter was 6 months old. That time I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so wrapped up in needing to lose my 60+ lbs I gained that I just didn’t eat until 5PM everyday.
So my husband kept asking me if I’ve been eating enough. I “of course” was. To my knowledge I hadn’t been doing anything different. I scheduled an appointment with my mentor and good friend who I’ve been going to the last 6-7 months to figure out what was going on.
I sat down, she asked me if I was taking any supplements. I had been off and on. Then she asked me the same question my husband had been asking me off and on. “Have you been eating enough.” I immediately said, “Ya, I know I have been.” Then she asked me what I’ve been eating regularly and how much. I went on to explain what I have been eating and portion sizes. She looked at me and said, “Really? You’ve been eating that much?”
Right then it hit me, I was doing it again. I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so confused and so lost as to WHY. Why was I doing this again to myself and how was I SOO unaware. My thyroid was struggling, my body was struggling, I was so weak and tired all the time and I was doing it to myself, without even realizing it.
I was hiding it from myself. I was hiding the pain.
I was self-sabotaging myself from being healthy and being able to have all the things I desired. I was punishing myself.
I had been feeling like I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t worthy of a healthy body, so every time I have consciously caught myself denying love and I stopped it, my subconscious then flipped into what I really believed about myself.
Some terrifying experiences growing up surrounding being terrorized and bullied led me to have that deep belief, so I learned to punish myself whenever I tried to go for something bigger and better. I self sabotaged.
Why am I writing about this? Why am I putting this out in the open?
I’ve been feeling like I’ve been living this double person lately. People asking me for advice about eating healthy and working through the guilt, self sabotage, shame, pain, and hurt. I know all the “answers” but have I been living it? Yes and no. Part of me has on the surface level, but the other part… the other deep down, Janica hasn’t. I’ve felt like a fraud to myself.
Today being “We Be Healthy Wednesday” and posting about healthy eating this morning… It struck something in me. I no longer want to hide my pain. I no longer want to hide my deep down struggles. I know we ALL have struggles. Some similar, some not, but we all have the pain from those and we can all help each other and support each other through them.
I go through struggles with eating. Deep down struggles with eating. I have struggled with the need to fight for my life. I have struggled with feeling strong enough. I have struggled with feeling like I even had a purpose to stay on this earth, that no one would care if I was even gone. And those are just a few.
I don’t write this for sympathy. I need Fuel Love just as much as I hoped other people would benefit from it. I’m honestly learning right along with what I’m sharing and hoping to spread to others. I want to be honest. I want to be open. I want you to know that YOU can do it, too. You ARE loved even though you may not believe it or feel it. You really are. YOU are more than worthy of all the greatness in the world. YOU are beautiful and strong. YOU are capable of ANYTHING you desire. YOU don’t have to suffer alone. You don’t have to constantly feel the pain. And it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to have struggles. You don’t have to be strong through everything. You don’t have to push it aside or stuff it down in fear of being made fun of or looking weak. You are gorgeous inside and out JUST the way you are. Your journey is your own. Your journey is fit perfect for helping you rediscover YOU and loving every part of you every step of the way. You wouldn’t go through all the trials, pain, and hurt if you weren’t meant for something great.
And you are.
So don’t hide yourself. Don’t hide FROM yourself.
My struggles with eating do not define me. It’s part of my journey, to peel back and learn from. To learn my strength and keep pressing forward.
That’s where your strength lies, in how many times you get knocked down or even knock yourself down and keep getting up and moving forward.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Being vulnerable and open to sharing your struggles with others.
A lot of times in group settings, or classes, or especially in church, we hear, “without saying too much or being too personal…”
Lately I’ve been thinking, WHY NOT?!
I know it’s really hard to even think of yourself telling others outside of your home what you’re struggling with or sometimes even those in your home. You don’t want to burden others with your “problems”. “No one would understand”.”It’s my business and I don’t want other people in my business”.
“My problems are really not that big of deal, and I’m told all the time that I need to be grateful for my issues because a lot of times most others are way worse than mine, so there’s no need to share”.
I can see two sides to this. Yes maybe there are some things that really are just personal or sacred and don’t need to be shared.
I want to address the other side. The side where we don’t share or tell anything, to anyone.
I was on that side. I didn’t want to say anything about ANYTHING I was struggling with because that would mean people would judge me by what I was doing or wasn’t doing. Or that they would think I was weak because I was having this, this, or this issue. Or they would think I was weird. Or I would make things harder for someone else. So I just wanted to keep to myself. I didn’t like to share things I have problems with. It was uncomfortable and I just didn’t want to even go there.
I had a huge struggle with feeling like EVERYONE was judging me at every moment that I was outside my own home. It dictated the way I did certain things!
I used to read blogs and stories about people sharing their struggles and what really went on inside their homes and heads and I would read in disbelief thinking, “how in the world and why in the world?! Doesn’t she know that she probably has thousands of people judging her left and right for divulging all that private info about her life?!”
And then I started to see that I could actually relate to those people. I knew exactly how they felt about some of the things they would talk about because I did or felt the SAME WAY! It helped me through lots of tough times, knowing I wasn’t ALONE in my thinking. That I actually wasn’t that horrible of a mom or human being for even thinking I wanted to chuck my kid on his bed and then lock him in his room all day. I wasn’t horrible for not throwing amazing birthday parties for my kids. I wasn’t horrible for feeding my kids what I fed them. I wasn’t a mom that didn’t care about her kids because she found her 18mth old walking in the street pulling his horsie.
I WAS NOT ALONE.
And the best part was that I realized that some people ARE good at lots of things I’m not and THAT’S OKAY. It doesn’t make me less of a person. I have my strengths and I have my weaknesses and I know I’m not the ONLY one to EVER experience ANY of what I go through. And how did I come to know that? (Besides my belief in My Savior Jesus Christ who suffered EVERY thing possible) I knew that because other people shared their struggles! Other people talked about what was hard for them. And they weren’t scared. They weren’t scared of judgment. They just wanted to share in hopes that it would GIVE someone else HOPE that it’s going to be okay. That you have a knowledge that someone knows how you feel and that you can confide in them and work through it together. That you have support and someone to talk you through it or about it.
I honestly thought a lot of what I was going through was specific to just me and that NO ONE else surely didn’t have those same struggles, fears, or thoughts that I had.
Until I started opening up. Until I started mentioning here and there my daily battles. Then I would hear, “Oh my gosh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I’m so glad you shared that because now I know I’m not alone.” And then we would be able to talk about it, through it and come up with ways to help each other.
I don’t want anyone to suffer in silence. I’ve been there. I’ve hid all my stuff, even from my husband until it just came bursting out like a volcano and I thought no one loved me because they couldn’t see I was struggling or even ask to help, so what was my purpose anymore? No one would care if I was gone.
I used to feel like I had to put on this facade of some kind of perfection so that people would like me. If I showed any weakness then the less and less people would like me or talk to me.
After having experiences with others sharing some of their deepest struggles with me and to others, it inspired me. It inspired me to not be so closed off. Who was it helping? No one. It wasn’t even helping me. OTHERS opening up to me, helped me!
I decided from then on that I wasn’t going to hide and stuff away secretly. I want to be authentic to who I really am, I want to share in hopes that I could help just one person and if it was just meant for that person only, then that would mean the world to me.
I want to pay it forward how others helped me. Being real, raw, authentic. Sharing my struggles and triumphs.
How are we supposed to help and support others when we all hide from each other?
I’m not saying you HAVE to open up;)…just food for thought of something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.