deeprest

if you quiet your mind, your heart and body will speak to you.

The last few weeks, I’ve had a big ‘jolt’ awake. A ‘dark night of the soul’ experience. Another death and rebirth.

Deep down I could feel it coming. I needed it, but I’m pretty sure I was terrified and avoiding the feeling of what I knew was about to happen. My body had been in more pain than typical. Relentless. And it wasn’t getting better.

…I was ‘on a roll’ or so I quasi thought. My body AND my heart had been speaking to me, I just wasn’t fully listening. I’d have a nudge here.. nope, push that one down. I’d have a nudge there… nope, push THAT one down.

This one, I did listen to. While my ego was being the master at shoving the little nudges of guidance here and there, I had kept having the feeling to set up a Reiki session with Amy who has worked on me a handful of times. I hear those loud and clear. I know when I need help outside of my own healing.

The timing wasn’t exactly lining up until the second week in Feb. My body, mind, and soul were craving it. I knew there were things that I had been ignoring that were screaming to be seen.

The session came… and the flood gates were opened. My heart was ready for the opening, but it felt so so raw. Pain that I’ve been working through and carrying. The times I’ve tried so hard to make certain people in my life proud of me. Feeling like I’m fighting up stream with all the energy ‘surrounding me’ by certain people in my life because I’m not living life the way that they see it ‘should be lived’.

My ‘strong mask’ was called out. Where and with whom I shared my energy was called out. In the most loving ways possible.

‘You get to start stating how you really feel. Telling people you’re fine, when you’re really not, when you feel broken inside and are questioning your worth…every time you do that and put your ‘strong mask’ on, your energy and power drop by 10%.

Be very purposeful about who you chose to spend time with. And pay very close attention to how your body feels around them and how you feel deep down.’

So, I took one massive step back from life. I had to. I couldn’t continue on how I had been.

My body forced my mind and heart to go into a state of deep rest. But I was fighting it. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I felt so alone. Emotions moving up and out. It had a familiar sting to it from 3 1/2 years ago. The experience of going through the divorce and EVERYTHING that came with it. I didn’t want to do this. Face demons I’ve been harboring, emotions I’ve buried deep under the ground. MY realities. Feel pain and experiences that I’ve been avoiding for years.

Pain attached to fear, attached to beliefs about yourself not in love, drags you to the lowest low. It brings you to a place where even when you KNOW you need help to pull you out of this mindset, you still feel so stupid reaching out for help. It rears an ugly grip.

The stigma around it. The fears we as a society have been taught. That we’re not strong. Or you’re just looking for attention. Or there’s no way out. You’ll feel this way forever.

My older sister and I made a pledge those few years back. We are each others phone call when we get to that point. I had been here twice before.

But this time felt a little different or weird. I couldn’t get myself to call, I felt so stupid that I was at this point. So I just text.

‘Shanae I need help. Extra love or light or something…’

I ugly cried and sobbed/talked it out, feeling so hopeless, sitting in a Smith’s parking lot. I felt so lost. I felt sooo worthless. All the internal dialogue that had made it’s way and I had let make up home in my mind all came up at once. By one little SMALL trigger. And that’s why I felt so stupid for plummeting SO fast and so hard.

‘You’re unlovable. You’re not worth supporting. No one actually really likes you behind your back. You’re the worst person ever. You’ve been trying so hard, and it’ll never be enough.’

I was sick of trying. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was tired. That mask… tired of trying to be strong. Tired of being strong. I literally felt like my strength had run out. Tired of holding onto the fact that I couldn’t get over trying to make certain people proud of me, and feeling like all they really wanted me to do was fail.

I HAD to get some groceries for the littles, so I made my way through Smiths, when an earthly angel called me at the perfect timing as I was driving home to my babies.

Jen helped me clear a lot of what had come up and was coming up. She supported me, listened to me and was just there for me. Not trying to fix anything. Just reminding me that I was loved and to give myself permission to allow ALL of the feelings to flow up and out. No judgement just letting them go and honoring them as they did.

The next few days was spent in bed. My body felt like it physically had been through the ringer. So I worked on more emotional, mental, and spiritual releasing. Writing forgiveness letters, stating my intentions for what I REALLY want in life. Checking in with my energy. Trying things on energetically to see how they all felt.

I was in such a vulnerable space, heart wide open, no where to go but up and I wanted to be in 100% alignment with who and what and how I spent my energy and time.

It’s like when you move into a new house. You have everything in boxes still from the old place and you’re figuring out where to put everything. Deciding if you really wanna keep everything you’ve brought with you to this point.

Trying it out, but paying very close attention to how everything feels as you place it in each drawer or cupboard.

Even to the point of just looking at things from a distance, being the observer of how each of those pieces of Tupperware and kitchenware have played a part in your life.

You start to see the reality. YOUR reality. The truth you’ve been hiding from. Yet you still sit and stare from across the kitchen because your heart. Oh how your heart is ready to stay open, so you really only let in things that are a HELL YES to your energy. And had already been. The questionables still sit in the box. Not making them wrong or bad, but seeing their place in your space.

Since then I have been taking very intentional steps daily. Just letting myself be. Processing and integrating. Going with the flow and doing things that bring me joy or where my heart felt safe to stay open.

I went to a sound bath that stirred something up from a couple years ago…, I messaged a friend to have lunch.

Doing a few nights of personal card readings. Receiving more guidance. Pulling back all of my own energy to me. It felt like all day insights and reminders were coming to me, about me and how I had been living the past year specifically.

—>I had spent A LOT of time listening to others advice and trying to make their WHOLE persona mine. Not wanting to be ‘wrong’ about how I was living my life. Terrified to hurt others. Fearful that I would be completely abandoned. Taking on others very confident truths as my own. Saying yes to a lot of things that I didn’t really care for, but also didn’t care enough to say no. I wasn’t listening to MY body. And I was doing a lot of conscious hovering ABOVE my body but not being all the way connected to and IN it.

I was starting to drift further away from listening to my heart and how it was trying to guide me all along. As simple as doing little things that brought me joy. <—

More forgiveness work. A lot towards myself. Calling ALL of me back.

I started to get stronger and more pronounced nudges from my guides and angels. Leading me to someone I had never had a reading done with before. I’m always super picky about who I have work on me and my energy, and I just knew she had something for me.

It was the coolest reading. Everything felt like it was ticking back into full alignment. Gears were being shifted, conscious was being brought back to the forefront of things I had known from the past. Clearer understanding of those and who I am. My purpose.

Feeling so supported and seen and heard. Reminding me of the never ending support from the other side.

SURRENDERING everything up to this point that I’ve been holding onto with so much grief, pain, and shame about. I was doing the best I could with what I knew and understood at that time. And I am ALWAYS in the right place at the right time. We all are.

Yet it was also time for me to REALLY honor the feelings that I haven’t allowed myself to honor and feel. To get really real about my life up to this point. What I chose, how I felt in all my choices, not feeling like I had real choices. Letting even deeper pain and anger out.

Following my intuition to things that would help me do that. Journaling, watching specific movies, sending thank you’s to certain people, more forgiveness work, and writing letters that I would never send. And most importantly, connecting back to my voice, my heart, and following my bliss.

These things ALL helped the deeper feelings surface to be able to really feel them for the first time and led to a space of healing further.

It was 3 weeks of the most intense energy ever. I finally feel like my head is above ground. Not quite fully out. Still integrating and getting to know this ‘new’ me, that has always been there 😉

Really for the first time, being 100% aware and honoring my energy. Making simple shifts here and there where I used to people please in the littlest of ways and seeing how those did effect me.

My body, the amazing vessel that it is. I’ve had some HUGE shifts with the pain JUST by honoring, allowing, feeling, surrendering and letting the deep stuff go.

Grounding INTO my body daily. Your body will never deceive you. It will never abandon you. When you shut your heart and intuition down, your body still speaks.

My body spoke and it led me down to the deepest depths to show me where the lightest light was residing.

Gratitude for the journey I’ve been on. Gratitude for the simple message from someone who just happened to feel a feeling to say they loved me while I was in the middle of it. Nothing is too small or simple in life.

It is all leading us, it is all guiding us. We are all on this journey together, walking our specific paths but always walking together and walking each other home.

You ARE loved. You ARE guided. You have SUCH a massive support system beyond the veil. You ARE different and it’s freaking amazing. All these feelings you’re having are for a reason. To show you, to lead you to your brightness.

You are needed.

and you are ALWAYS always worthy, just by being YOU. You RIGHT now is good enough. In this moment and always.

Sending you love,

always.