It’s been a long minute since I’ve written anything. It’s been a major hot minute since I’ve felt completely authentic with myself.
Some massive fears and head talk has been going on. And it’s time to put a name to them. So I can own them, release and heal them. So here it is.
There have been certain things that I haven’t talked about or shared. Completely surrounded in fear. In my mind, they sound sooooo silly and I justify left and right why or why not I ‘should’ even have them. Let alone share them or look into them.
Sooooo, we’re just gonna hit them square on the head. Cuz that’s what I like to do. And this is something that I bet only I have noticed in myself yet it’s been big enough that it sits in the back corners of my mind, constantly probing to be looked at.
Since all the big changes a couple years ago… Divorce, moving, personal beliefs… I’ve slowly stopped sharing/posting etc. for a couple of reasons.
#1 I felt like I had a TON of HUGE eyes on me… because of all the big changes. I got into the space of… ‘I don’t want to let anyone else down…’ ‘I don’t want to feel anymore judgment’ (this is my own created fear and perception, whether real or not)
#2 Going from feeling like I was in a ‘secure’ space. Being married, family, friends, etc… I didn’t feel like I had to ‘prove’ myself or worry about how I looked or came across. Now with a lot of those things shifted… It’s TERRIFIED me to be completely who I was before PLUS all the things about me that I’ve discovered.
A handful of times, I’ll scroll through my feed on insta and can clearly tell where I went ‘into hiding’. I stopped my dancing. I stopped my ‘in the moment’ lessons learned. I started caring more about what I looked like in posts, was careful about what I said or just didn’t post for a week at a time.
The constant thoughts would swirl around in my head,
‘you’re single Janica, THAT is not going to be attractive’
-I’m going to go deeper into this one specifically. The dating. The moving to a new area where you hardly know anyone. Dating these days? Mostly online… Meaning.. pictures. You’re based off of pictures from the get go. (That’s why I did it for a couple weeks, then got off. 5 months later hopped on again for a week and then told myself I would never get back on. haha) It does something to you! (Well, at least me) Not in a good way. MASSIVE insecurity stuck it’s little face at the forefront again. Equaling = terrified to be me to the very core. Trying to BE what someone else would want and harness my quirkiness. It was a big confidence check for me.
I’m grateful for that because it showed me where I got to love myself even more. AND that I get to be me ALL the time. Why would I even want to be in a relationship where I felt like I had to mute some of my personality? I would be doing them AND me a HUGE disservice. Yet that was my reality. And it’s getting better 🙂 –
‘That’s going to make you sound like a complete nut job’
‘Don’t post that, that’s going to offend someone’
‘If you say that, that’s going to sound like a call for compliments’
‘You already have a handful of people worried about your life…THAT’S not gonna help it’
And the list goes on and on you guys!!
The common denominator? Scared to be completely 100% ME.
Still worried about pleasing other people. Still worried about other’s perceptions of me. Yet this is in a WHOLE different way than before. Yet not. More so along the lines of going deeper into old beliefs and patterns that I’m choosing to let hold me back from complete unity: mind, body, and soul.
It’s been quite the paradox. I’m happier, more confident and understanding of myself and life than ever before YET… almost frozen in fear of LIVING that and BEING that. All the while that’s what Fuel Love has been centered around. Loving yourself, getting to know yourself and LIVE that. 100% happiness and joy comes from THAT. Being YOU in every moment. Being connected authentically. Tuned into YOUR heart and not the beliefs, perceptions and opinions of others.
And guys, I’ve been PARALYZED by fear of ALL of that, the last 2 years. Going in and out of ready to ‘jump out of the plane’ and soar and holding on so tightly to the edge of the plane door.
I’ve been learning to love who I am. Completely alone. No safety net of a partner or family. I’ve continued to do a lot of healing, soul searching, and growing, yet no amount of any of that does anything…unless I begin to take the action of LIVING that. And that is what has been eating at me in the back corners. Screaming to be recognized. Personal integrity wanting to be seen. And spoken. Discovering more of what makes me ME and what I like and resonate with at the deepest levels.
Accountability. One of those words that once I put it out there, it helps me keep things in motion. Today is day one of a new month. Day one of practicing what I preach in action oriented ways. Day one of being me. More and more. Owning who I am with confidence and courage. All while continuing to love and remember what makes me… me.