This is a harder one to write but I have such a strong desire to help others know they’re not alone and that it is OKAY and will be okay.
This next week I’m teaching a class about eating healthy. Recently, conversations that I’m a part of always go in the direction of eating and the struggles. I’m a firm believer and advocate of learning to listen to our own bodies so that we’re getting the nutrients that we need. Nature never repeats itself. No two people are alike. That means what works for us may not work EXACTLY the same for someone else.
If you’re just starting to learn how to live a healthier lifestyle and changing up your eating, it’s great to get a base of what that even is but don’t get so caught up in doing exactly what they tell you with no thought of what YOU and YOUR body need. Your body WILL tell you what it needs and does not need. It’s simple. Not always easy, but simple. You just ask. It takes some practice, but I KNOW it works and anyone can do it.
That is my take on how everyone should learn to eat healthy. Get the basics down and then learn to listen to what your body needs to fuel it properly.
This is where it’s gotten interesting for me the last month or so. Lately I’ve been SUPER exhausted. I’ve been super dizzy and blacking out a lot when I stand up. I didn’t know what was going on.
Back up almost 3 1/2 years ago, this same thing happened when my daughter was 6 months old. That time I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so wrapped up in needing to lose my 60+ lbs I gained that I just didn’t eat until 5PM everyday.
So my husband kept asking me if I’ve been eating enough. I “of course” was. To my knowledge I hadn’t been doing anything different. I scheduled an appointment with my mentor and good friend who I’ve been going to the last 6-7 months to figure out what was going on.
I sat down, she asked me if I was taking any supplements. I had been off and on. Then she asked me the same question my husband had been asking me off and on. “Have you been eating enough.” I immediately said, “Ya, I know I have been.” Then she asked me what I’ve been eating regularly and how much. I went on to explain what I have been eating and portion sizes. She looked at me and said, “Really? You’ve been eating that much?”
Right then it hit me, I was doing it again. I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so confused and so lost as to WHY. Why was I doing this again to myself and how was I SOO unaware. My thyroid was struggling, my body was struggling, I was so weak and tired all the time and I was doing it to myself, without even realizing it.
I was hiding it from myself. I was hiding the pain.
I was self-sabotaging myself from being healthy and being able to have all the things I desired. I was punishing myself.
I had been feeling like I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t worthy of a healthy body, so every time I have consciously caught myself denying love and I stopped it, my subconscious then flipped into what I really believed about myself.
Some terrifying experiences growing up surrounding being terrorized and bullied led me to have that deep belief, so I learned to punish myself whenever I tried to go for something bigger and better. I self sabotaged.
Why am I writing about this? Why am I putting this out in the open?
I’ve been feeling like I’ve been living this double person lately. People asking me for advice about eating healthy and working through the guilt, self sabotage, shame, pain, and hurt. I know all the “answers” but have I been living it? Yes and no. Part of me has on the surface level, but the other part… the other deep down, Janica hasn’t. I’ve felt like a fraud to myself.
Today being “We Be Healthy Wednesday” and posting about healthy eating this morning… It struck something in me. I no longer want to hide my pain. I no longer want to hide my deep down struggles. I know we ALL have struggles. Some similar, some not, but we all have the pain from those and we can all help each other and support each other through them.
I go through struggles with eating. Deep down struggles with eating. I have struggled with the need to fight for my life. I have struggled with feeling strong enough. I have struggled with feeling like I even had a purpose to stay on this earth, that no one would care if I was even gone. And those are just a few.
I don’t write this for sympathy. I need Fuel Love just as much as I hoped other people would benefit from it. I’m honestly learning right along with what I’m sharing and hoping to spread to others. I want to be honest. I want to be open. I want you to know that YOU can do it, too. You ARE loved even though you may not believe it or feel it. You really are. YOU are more than worthy of all the greatness in the world. YOU are beautiful and strong. YOU are capable of ANYTHING you desire. YOU don’t have to suffer alone. You don’t have to constantly feel the pain. And it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to have struggles. You don’t have to be strong through everything. You don’t have to push it aside or stuff it down in fear of being made fun of or looking weak. You are gorgeous inside and out JUST the way you are. Your journey is your own. Your journey is fit perfect for helping you rediscover YOU and loving every part of you every step of the way. You wouldn’t go through all the trials, pain, and hurt if you weren’t meant for something great.
And you are.
So don’t hide yourself. Don’t hide FROM yourself.
My struggles with eating do not define me. It’s part of my journey, to peel back and learn from. To learn my strength and keep pressing forward.
That’s where your strength lies, in how many times you get knocked down or even knock yourself down and keep getting up and moving forward.