So I guess that last post (when being vulnerable is scary) was kind of a ‘left you hanging’ kind of post. Not 100% intentional. More along the lines of ‘Oh my gosh, I may faint if I post this’ ‘What are people going to initially think about me?’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ ‘I’m making this a bigger deal than it really is’ And on and on and on…
My biggest weakness is worrying what other people think of me. I’m a people pleaser, I don’t like to be the ’cause’ of anyone else’s pain. Being someone who feels things deeply makes it a perfect storm for myself.
Like, it gets pretty bad. After I published the post yesterday, I slowly physically started feeling ill. My mind started going crazy with more worrying and questioning what in the heck I was doing.
“Some are going to think I’m just doing this for attention.”
“Others have bigger trials than me, so what gives me the ‘right’ to share or ‘go public’ with mine?”
“I don’t want to feel any more judgement.”
“I feel so stupid after posting that.”
“I think I want to go crawl in a hole.”
Plus a butt load of other ones.
I took an Epsom salt bath with some oils because by the time I had put my kids to bed, I was wasted physically. After the bath it was 8 o’clock and I crawled right into bed. My body was drained of any energy. My body hurt.
THAT is how powerful our minds are. I’m not a stranger to this happening. The more aware I’ve become of my physical body and mind I can tell what’s going on. I knew it was all emotional. My thoughts all day long were negative and full of doubt. And my body responded. Plus freaking out about writing THIS post.
So, what is my reality?
My reality is that daily I’m trying to push past my fears of worrying and people pleasing in doing and becoming who I know I am and doing what I know I am meant to be doing despite doubts from myself and others.
My reality is that my marriage ended September 20th.
That reality has caused A LOT of pain. Not just for me but for others. If you’re a worrier and people pleaser/don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain… can imagine and know exactly how I have been feeling.
Thus, the hardest 7 months of my life. I know you’re maybe thinking after reading that, “WHAT?! Why? What happened?”
We made a choice. I made a choice. A choice that we didn’t completely understand at times and then at other times I had a COMPLETE understanding as to why. It’s not your ‘normal’ situation and from there a lot of misunderstanding and pain from others surrounding.
Everyone has their ‘hard’ and ‘painful’ in life. This is mine/ours.
Everyone has something that only God knows will stretch them beyond what they could ever imagine to become more than they’ve ever imagined. This is my/our something right now.
I don’t expect everyone or anyone actually to understand (which yes I have been fighting that too…wanting to have EVERYONE listen and FEEL where I’m coming from so that they can ‘see’ what’s going on and understand and know I’m not completely bat crazy) and THAT has been a huge lesson for me too. Not everyone will understand or want to and that’s okay. How would it help me in the areas that God knows I need to grow if everyone understood it?
I don’t always have the answers for why things feel they need to be a certain way or how or when we are meant to learn things a certain way. All I know is that I KNOW without a doubt that this was meant to be. There have been many amazingly perfect confirmations and spiritual experiences along the way for me to ever completely doubt. I can’t say that I didn’t EVER doubt along the way buut that’s a story for another post.
And for reasons both known and unknown I have felt strongly to share my reality, my daily, my learning and my growth from the get go when Fuel Love came to be.
Sometimes things don’t always make sense while we are going through them and then in hindsight all the dots connect.
The trick and biggest learning experience in all of that is to stay in gratitude and love. Grateful for EVERYTHING you’re going through and being able to SEE them as helping you not hurting you. Life happens FOR us, not TO us. Our mindset stuck in the negative will keep us in the ‘happening TO us’ phase. But if we can learn to manage where our mind goes and keep it in the positive we can see the beauty unfold. How would we grow if everything was easy all the time?
LOVE. Love everyone and everything no matter what is thrown your way. They’re going through their own experiences too. They need just as much love and good thoughts sent their way as you think you need or want. What is said and done again isn’t happening to you, it’s for you. There’s some learning in there about how others may treat you. All you can do is love. It doesn’t do any good to have anything else replace that. Yes, pain is felt and you are more than okay to grieve but don’t let the hurt and anger stay IN you. Forgive, love and be grateful.
A lot of times I have liked to think I was smarter than God and tried to control what outcomes would happen out of this situation and others, also. But I’m not. All I can do continually strengthen my relationship with Christ, have faith, trust, see my life as a continual learning path of growth. Seeing and finding the JOY and fun that life is meant to be and is full of.
The struggle is real and I’m not here to say, ‘I’ve finally made it, my life is so fun and happy every day!’
I don’t have it all together. It’s a constant thing I get to work on daily. Just like muscle, a little effort a day makes it stronger and stronger. Some days really suck. Some days are amazing. Some days are half and half. Balance. We wouldn’t appreciate the amazing without the crap.
So this. This is my reality and I’m grateful to be able to share my struggles, my lessons, my growth, my learning, and my successes with you.