I came face to face in the mirror with a part of me that was in some serious lock down. That puppy was subconsciously secure!
And now that we’ve made best friends, I can recall MANY instances where she’s knocked on my door but I didn’t fully recognize her looking through the peep hole. So she stayed outside. Wasn’t invited in.
I was at the Unlikely event, put on by Michael Marcial, and all the speakers kept touching on tidbits that were de ja vu-y moments.
-Be you. Time to show up. Lead with your heart. You’re meant to do what you know you are. Why aren’t you DOING it? Create those relationships. It’s time. Everything is incredible.-
New Year’s Day…she came to play. For reals this time. A few events leading up to that morning widened the peep hole. Juuuust big enough to tilt my head sideways. Oh it’s YOU.
So why do I feel like I have the last year? Where did my passion go? My zest for life? Why have I been so tired? Why do I want to give up on my dreams? Why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?
I felt it before so why has it been so damn hard to feel it and connect and just fly.
We had just finished watching one of the most inspirational videos ever and I had to give everything I had to not audibly burst into tears. I had to stay and finish listening to what Tyler Bastian had to say, I couldn’t miss anything. Right when he was done I left to the bathroom where not surprising but the angel who had been sitting next to me who I had yet to officially meet was walking out. We made eye contact and it just came. She hugged me and I basically told her I was gonna be a minute. The flood was coming and it was ready to be let go.
I sat in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a good 10 minutes. Not even knowing why. Just letting it out. I could only stay in the stall for so long because there were women coming in and out 😂 so I found a place down the hall in a corner and just sank to the floor and bawled some more. It felt. So. Good.
I was watching the snow fall outside the window and then it hit me. It was as if myself from the past and my higher self showed up in my minds eye and said, ‘Why do you keep abandoning yourself? You show up for everyone else. You make sure that everyone else is taken care of. It’s time you REALLY get to start showing up for YOU. It’s time to make those dreams a reality.’
…Over the course of the last week a big awareness has shown up. WHY I have been stuck in this same cycle. In my close relationships, both romantic and not, I get so immersed in showing up for them. Then I start feeling tired and depressed and feeling like somethings wrong with me. Feeling further and further away from ‘me’. Then when I’ve taken a step back, magic immediately happens. Life is in sync, sessions get full, I feel like me again… then I start connecting to what they may be going through and have usually jumped back in to ‘save’ mode. Not wanting people to hate me, wanting them to understand why I am doing what I’m doing. Wanting to clear the air and make sure they’re okay.
Because of who I am. And how I conditioned myself when I was younger.
I am a deeply feeling empath. I have clear and very strong intuition.
When I interact with people it’s almost as if I can ‘see’ all of their information floating above and around their body. I can feel and sense everything that’s going on. How this looks in relationships and how I’ve conditioned myself is…
If I’m having a convo with someone and a decision is involved, or they need help, or they’re struggling emotionally…
I have done 2 things: analyze all the possible outcomes of what my responses could be and how it would affect them according to what is showing up emotionally for them and then choose which one would get the least painful response. Whether it was subconscious or not. Basically making sure they are comfortable and instantly mind mapping all the ways to keep their heart at bay. Feeling their fears and pain and doing whatever I can to work around that. And this is all done in a matter of seconds. 😳 WTF, right?!
I wasn’t purposefully doing this on a fully conscious level. What I had conditioned myself to do because of my gifts is give others what THEY needed. To make sure they knew they were loved and cared about. I would perceive the potential hurt and try to make sure it didn’t happen or at least throw a fluffy pillow under them.
Because I could/can literally see and feel all of their pain and subconscious programming.
This awareness made me want to puke and celebrate and cry and feel free.
Codependent much? Attachment issues much? Control issues…Holy. Moly. On a layer I had worked through those but this one was a good core root. Geez!
When it has come to big decisions and following my heart and what’s best, I‘ve done ‘well’ the last few years. The day to day relationships and choices. That’s where it has gotten me and I’ve been hurting myself because of it.
Always worrying about what others may think of me. People pleasing. ‘Managing’ others emotions so you don’t trigger them and then they don’t like you 🙄.
We all have our biggest messes. This is mine. And one I’m constantly digging deeper and deeper and this has felt like a huge uproot.
I haven’t known how to be around people this last week. As silly as that sounds. As I’ve been delving into this and watching how I’m responding to the experience and checking in with myself daily when thoughts come up…I’ve needed ‘protection’ so to speak. I’ve needed seclusion to build my 100% alignment muscle. To know EXACTLY what saying yes to ME feels like before I venture out into relationships again.
Healing the parts of me that needed to do that when I was a younger girl. Finding the root of why and when it started.
I get to learn at a deeper level and practice how to be me without feeling horrible about it! Guys! I know some of you may think it’s easy to communicate straight up, but when you can feel everything! Even when the other person may not be aware. It ain’t easy.
Now that I have the awareness of what I was doing, I get to now integrate that with everything else I’ve learned.
I used to wish this part of me away. Feeling everything at such an intense and deep level. It’s been debilitating at times and I’ve felt super alone because of it. I’ve felt crazy and insane.
But it’s who I am. And I’ve cultivated it and strengthened it because I know I’m meant to help others walk through the depths and help them connect to ALL of who they are. Being able to see the beauty in what makes them THEM. And be CONFIDENT about choosing them!
These are some of my biggest take aways and I know you empaths will relate.
You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to try and help someone understand. You don’t have to explain. It sounds harsh but it’s truth.
How we work through things…we all do it differently. You get to learn how it feels and works to be 100% YOU. And if you have to retreat to figure it out so you don’t keep abandoning yourself and so you don’t make things worse. You do you boo.
It is YOURS to work through. You get to do it with how works best for you. You’re working through trauma, you’re working through years of programming. Undoing it can be messy and unpredictable and if you don’t feel safe around anyone. You don’t have to be around anyone! And you don’t have to feel bad about it.
You don’t have to worry if no one understands. Your people- will get it.
You. Get. To. Do. Whats. Best. For. You.
It will create better relationships. It will create a better relationship with yourself.
FIRST show up for you. That’s where the magic happens.