So I guess that last post (when being vulnerable is scary) was kind of a ‘left you hanging’ kind of post. Not 100% intentional. More along the lines of ‘Oh my gosh, I may faint if I post this’ ‘What are people going to initially think about me?’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ ‘I’m making this a bigger deal than it really is’ And on and on and on…
My biggest weakness is worrying what other people think of me. I’m a people pleaser, I don’t like to be the ’cause’ of anyone else’s pain. Being someone who feels things deeply makes it a perfect storm for myself.
Like, it gets pretty bad. After I published the post yesterday, I slowly physically started feeling ill. My mind started going crazy with more worrying and questioning what in the heck I was doing.
“Some are going to think I’m just doing this for attention.”
“Others have bigger trials than me, so what gives me the ‘right’ to share or ‘go public’ with mine?”
“I don’t want to feel any more judgement.”
“I feel so stupid after posting that.”
“I think I want to go crawl in a hole.”
Plus a butt load of other ones.
I took an Epsom salt bath with some oils because by the time I had put my kids to bed, I was wasted physically. After the bath it was 8 o’clock and I crawled right into bed. My body was drained of any energy. My body hurt.
THAT is how powerful our minds are. I’m not a stranger to this happening. The more aware I’ve become of my physical body and mind I can tell what’s going on. I knew it was all emotional. My thoughts all day long were negative and full of doubt. And my body responded. Plus freaking out about writing THIS post.
So, what is my reality?
My reality is that daily I’m trying to push past my fears of worrying and people pleasing in doing and becoming who I know I am and doing what I know I am meant to be doing despite doubts from myself and others.
My reality is that my marriage ended September 20th.
That reality has caused A LOT of pain. Not just for me but for others. If you’re a worrier and people pleaser/don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain… can imagine and know exactly how I have been feeling.
Thus, the hardest 7 months of my life. I know you’re maybe thinking after reading that, “WHAT?! Why? What happened?”
We made a choice. I made a choice. A choice that we didn’t completely understand at times and then at other times I had a COMPLETE understanding as to why. It’s not your ‘normal’ situation and from there a lot of misunderstanding and pain from others surrounding.
Everyone has their ‘hard’ and ‘painful’ in life. This is mine/ours.
Everyone has something that only God knows will stretch them beyond what they could ever imagine to become more than they’ve ever imagined. This is my/our something right now.
I don’t expect everyone or anyone actually to understand (which yes I have been fighting that too…wanting to have EVERYONE listen and FEEL where I’m coming from so that they can ‘see’ what’s going on and understand and know I’m not completely bat crazy) and THAT has been a huge lesson for me too. Not everyone will understand or want to and that’s okay. How would it help me in the areas that God knows I need to grow if everyone understood it?
I don’t always have the answers for why things feel they need to be a certain way or how or when we are meant to learn things a certain way. All I know is that I KNOW without a doubt that this was meant to be. There have been many amazingly perfect confirmations and spiritual experiences along the way for me to ever completely doubt. I can’t say that I didn’t EVER doubt along the way buut that’s a story for another post.
And for reasons both known and unknown I have felt strongly to share my reality, my daily, my learning and my growth from the get go when Fuel Love came to be.
Sometimes things don’t always make sense while we are going through them and then in hindsight all the dots connect.
The trick and biggest learning experience in all of that is to stay in gratitude and love. Grateful for EVERYTHING you’re going through and being able to SEE them as helping you not hurting you. Life happens FOR us, not TO us. Our mindset stuck in the negative will keep us in the ‘happening TO us’ phase. But if we can learn to manage where our mind goes and keep it in the positive we can see the beauty unfold. How would we grow if everything was easy all the time?
LOVE. Love everyone and everything no matter what is thrown your way. They’re going through their own experiences too. They need just as much love and good thoughts sent their way as you think you need or want. What is said and done again isn’t happening to you, it’s for you. There’s some learning in there about how others may treat you. All you can do is love. It doesn’t do any good to have anything else replace that. Yes, pain is felt and you are more than okay to grieve but don’t let the hurt and anger stay IN you. Forgive, love and be grateful.
A lot of times I have liked to think I was smarter than God and tried to control what outcomes would happen out of this situation and others, also. But I’m not. All I can do continually strengthen my relationship with Christ, have faith, trust, see my life as a continual learning path of growth. Seeing and finding the JOY and fun that life is meant to be and is full of.
The struggle is real and I’m not here to say, ‘I’ve finally made it, my life is so fun and happy every day!’
I don’t have it all together. It’s a constant thing I get to work on daily. Just like muscle, a little effort a day makes it stronger and stronger. Some days really suck. Some days are amazing. Some days are half and half. Balance. We wouldn’t appreciate the amazing without the crap.
So this. This is my reality and I’m grateful to be able to share my struggles, my lessons, my growth, my learning, and my successes with you.
When I started Fuel Love, I wanted to make sure that I was real, authentic, and not scared to share the real me and what went on in my life. I felt like I did a pretty good job of that, for a while anyway.
Then life got crazy. And I stopped. Because the kind of crazy that my life started to turn toward got judged and misunderstood. By a few close people. Things were said and done that were hurtful and a lot of pain surrounded that. A LOT of loneliness. I felt like I couldn’t be vulnerable and share what I was feeling and learning in the moment because the pain was too much to handle at times. So I hid. I hid what I was really feeling. I stopped sharing the vulnerable, authentic part of me.
I didn’t want MORE of that pain. If those closest to me brought that, what would EVERYONE else think??
I’ve had a constant ‘tapping’ on my shoulder lately that it’s okay to be vulnerable and share my story. And that I need to. It’s okay to have that part of me be seen again. It was always okay. I feel heavy when I tell myself that I just want to hide that part of my life and never say a word about what I have been learning or going through the past 7 months.
It’s been the HARDEST 7 months of my entire life. I have never learned more during that time. I have never felt closer to Heaven the last 7 months. I have never felt so hopeless and alone, yet so loved and looked out for by Christ and my guardian angels both seen and unseen. I have never been so close to wanting to end my life yet never felt so brave, courageous, proud of myself and full of hope in my entire life.
Even though it has been crazy hard, I can now see and understand that everything happened how it was meant to. I would not have learned what I have, without it all. I would not have learned my strength, I would not have learned to not doubt myself if it were not for people and experiences along the way that at the time hurt, but now I am SOO thankful for them. It was a blessing in disguise.
I truly believe we made certain commitments to different people before we came to this earth. Some to help others, some to help others learn, some to teach, etc. etc. I cannot hold onto any grudge because I know I wanted this learning and growth experience and those people and experiences were doing JUST that; holding to their end of the commitment that we agreed to help each other on.
Through it all, I have been learning what true forgiveness really is. I have been learning what unconditional love really is. I have been learning what it feels like to only be able to rely on Christ and be centered in Him and to feel like I have an actual relationship with Him.
I’ve been learning that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. That I can do hard things that I know without a doubt are right for me even if 90% of everyone else doesn’t believe me or even IN me.
I have overcome some fears and have had lots of other ones brought to the surface. I have been learning more about myself and how life works than ever before.
It has changed me. And some may say for the worse.
I know for myself, that without a doubt, it has changed me for the better.
I am still understanding and grasping who I really am. Learning to continually love ME despite what some may think of me. Learning that THAT shouldn’t even matter at all.
I am finally TRULY learning what love really is and what it means to LOVE. Myself and others. How to REALLY Fuel Love.
I’m excited to start sharing ‘me’ again. Piece by piece of my own journey. Nothing shared will be meant to bash or shame or anything of that nature towards anyone. This is MY story. This is MY real. This is MY path.
This is me. It has been hurting me by not sharing what is real. There is a time and place for everything and I needed some time and space to heal but when you start getting the subtle nudges that, okay… it’s okay to share. And I’ve fought those nudges for a month now. It’s scary to share your reality. It’s scary to put yourself out there.
But this is me.
I share to be me. I share to be real. I share in hopes that I can just help or inspire one person that may be struggling or just needs to know someone else ‘gets it’ or has ‘been there, too’. This life is about connection. This life is about service. This life is about sharing. Share our stories to connect and help.
We read those a lot while scrolling through instragram or facebook.
What does that even MEAN?!
It really is kind of self explanatory if you think about it. It’s the ‘how’ to do it that I think most of us get stumped on.
Heck, it’s just plain HARD sometimes to be real, authentic, open, raw, etc. You get criticized and judged for being real sometimes. People make you out to be a bad person, bad parent if you share the REAL you. Then guilt sets in. Then shame starts to creep it’s way in.
Why would you WANT to share the real you if those feelings are going to nuzzle themselves right in again. They’re not pleasant. But yet we let them.
So here’s what I think, and here is what I have learned…’so far’. Cuz we all still learning, yo.
What if, you focused on being real, true, authentic to YOURSELF??? Then you don’t even need to worry about everyone else. Because let’s face it…. that’s the hardest thing to do.
‘So you’re telling me to be REAL with myself?? I am freaking real with myself… I LIVE with myself 24-7. I can’t ever get away from myself.’
Here’s what I mean.
How often do you allow yourself to see all the deep dark secrets that you’ve hidden for so long? Those coming from experiences growing up where you felt embarrassment, shame, guilt, stupid, ugly?
Are those tucked away somewhere? Things piled on top of so high that you’ve pretty much forgot about them?
What about our habits or our cycles that tend to lean more toward the negative aspect? Are those looked at, or do we tend to ignore them BECAUSE it will bring up all those negative feelings that we experienced AGAIN. And who really wants to deal with that pain again, because ‘you should to be better than that. You should be over that by now. You shouldn’t let THAT bug you. You should be perfect in that by now. You shouldn’t have to need to learn that again.’ and on and on.
Society paints a pretty little picture about how each of us should be. So good in fact, that a lot of us have forgotten who we are. Like really really who we are. What makes us individual, what makes us tick, our quirks, our likes, our dislikes. We’ve even forgotten the best parts about ourselves. How we’re sooo much more capable than we can even see. That we can have the capacity to love beyond what we can even imagine right now. That we can CREATE the type of life that we want to live. We can choose how we feel daily. We can choose how we will act and react. That we can actually LAUGH on a daily basis. More than once. And that it’s actually okay AND good for you.
Some of us will never allow ourselves or choose in to get there.
Because we’re afraid of ourselves.
We’re afraid to uncover what was once covered up with the intent to ‘just forget about it’. We’re afraid to show that maybe some pretty crappy things have happened to us throughout our life. We’re afraid that we’ll make even more mistakes and then we’ll get laughed at and made fun of. We’re afraid that we’ll be embarrassed because we should have learned that already. We don’t want to hate ourselves anymore than we do already. And our reaction to all those? They hurt. Sometimes they hurt real bad.
You know what we’re even more afraid of though? We’re afraid of ourselves if we WEREN’T afraid of ourselves. We’re afraid of what we might learn. We’re afraid of the NEW person we might become. We’re afraid of the possibilities. We’re afraid what it might be like to actually be happy all the time. We’re afraid what it might feel like to wake up excited about our day and life.
It’s so foreign to us now. We’re afraid of the unknown. We’ve been trying to be this person sitting on top of all the ‘way down dark corner secrets’ that we don’t know what will happen if we stand up, uncover it, and see who we TRULY are without all of that piled up.
Here’s the thing…..We can’t afford NOT to.
You’re really going to go your whole life being afraid of YOURSELF? Being afraid to LIVE and BE who you are??? Well, maybe you are but maybe you’re not. Here’s what I’ve learned about all those things that we’ve all quietly swept under the rug…
They’re actually there to HELP US BECOME who we are.
No one just wakes up amazingly confident. No one just wakes up strong and unstoppable in WHO they are. No one just wakes up with amazing courage and no fear at all. No ones just wakes up having amazing success.
All those traits…those traits were learned, practiced, and fought for. And how?
By lifting up that rug, being honest with yourself and the trials and things you personally struggle with. Then sorting through them, sharing some of them, experiencing the emotions from them so that they can learn the lessons from each and every one. Because through the pain, through the doubt, through the sharing, through the despair, loneliness, and heartache is WHERE we learn the confidence, strength and courage.
You don’t know the complete joy without the complete sorrow. You don’t know how to truly feel loved without feeling unloved. You don’t know how to have amazing courage without feeling the deepest fear. You don’t understand confidence without feeling completely shattered.
Don’t believe that? Well you’ll never know until you try.
So why are we so afraid to be real, authentic and true to ourselves, when being open real and raw with ourselves is how we will FIND ourselves?
The courageous you. The smart you. The loving you. The happy you. The joyful you. The strong you. The amazing you. The funny you. The inspiring you. The confident you.
The. REAL. YOU.
Not a lot of people will lift up that rug to find that.