*I feel like I need to preface my posts for a while with the comment that I’m never writing anything to ‘make people feel sorry for me’ or ‘make anyone feel bad or calling anyone out’. This is my experience. These are things that I am learning. These are things I feel inspired to share. I am 100% okay if people don’t agree or have differing opinions. That’s the beauty of everyone having their own stories, we get to learn from each other, grow together, and support!
Now I get why not a lot of people want to share their struggles and their reality. haha
Some people will be supportive of YOU, yet may not understand and you still don’t feel the judgement from them.
Some people wont be supportive at all and will make it known.
Some people will say they’re supportive and then assume and ask all kinds of questions as if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Some people will say it to your face, some people won’t.
After sharing what I did, I wasn’t sure what the response would be. All I knew is that I needed to share. I was pleasantly surprised by the response. I was doing okay for the first day after. Then a few comments here and there started to trickle in. A couple in particular stopped me in my tracks and I crumbled to my bed and bawled.
I know I know, how can I let one or two ‘not amazing’ comments get to me over all the people that reached out?! And after some really really cool conversations with those struggling themselves?!
Remember my weakness of people pleasing and doubting myself?
There comes a point when you allow yourself to share the deepest parts of you or get the courage to even share ANYTHING, that things are still a little fragile at first. Whether it’s sharing something huge or not.
One comment was after a live video I did on my personal FB page about Love. I felt very strongly I needed to share what I have learned.
I was not connecting it directly to my marriage. I was connecting it to what I have learned over the span of the last year and a half since starting Fuel Love.
It took me THIRTY MINUTES of sitting in my chair, trying to boost up my self confidence and prayed, did some simple yoga, doused myself in oils and asked over and over to be guided to say the right thing that I would just share something that would touch someone all while feeling calm while I did so.
I about bowed out and didn’t do it. But I did. And it felt awesome.
Then I got a comment about how selfish I was being in my thoughts and actions recently.
It’s not the first time I have been called selfish since starting Fuel Love.
Right then, it was a dagger.
I immediately started questioning ever sharing anything asking over and over why why why? Why do I feel so strongly to share my story and what I’ve learned and to LIVE my passion and what I feel called to do?
Then it hit me and I remembered. I remembered who I was. I remembered WHOSE I was. I’m not saying I’m anything special. I’m not anyone more than anyone else. We each have something in us to share. We each have something to share to help someone else go through the same feelings and/or experience. I’ve fought hard to be in alignment with what I know God wants me to do/share and I can’t let one or two triggers and soft spots stop me.
If everyone did that, we wouldn’t have half the things we have today. We wouldn’t have half the people we look up today that went against the grain and kept pushing through despite all the naysayers and doubters and those that didn’t believe in them.
Ya I get that what I’m going through and what my experience is ‘not of the ”norm” but I want to mention a few cool things that I have personally experienced concerning judgement.
The second you think that they ‘didn’t think things all the way through’ or that ‘they don’t know what they’re in for’…you’re judging them.
I didn’t realize how subconsciously judgemental I was until a very dear friend pointed it out to me a few years ago. She was a deep feeler and she was going through a tough time herself. I ‘supported’ her through out it all but there was always this dis-ease when we would talk about things. I could FEEL my judgement whenever we would talk about her situation. In the back of my mind, I was always thinking… ‘Oh well it’s because she doesn’t understand this’…or ‘It’s because she’s not thinking about this or this’.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it until one day we just slowly lost contact and I reached out to her a few months after. She opened up to me about how she just had to stop having conversations with me and be connected so closely because the judgement coming from me was just too strong.
I knew exactly what she was talking about and she was right. It hurt. It hurt because it was something I knew I struggled with and also something I thought I had overcome. But also I had a hard time ‘going there’ because it was such a pained struggle for me.
Over the next year after that I wanted to REALLY understand what I was doing and HOW was I being judgemental.
BECAUSE of what I have chosen, it leaves room for LOTS of judgment. Concerned people suggesting I didn’t do enough, or try enough or look hard enough at all that would happen because of my/our choice. That everything I am doing is selfish.
This is what I believe and this is what I have experienced. The second that we THINK anything about anyone elses experience that leads you to ‘Well that’s because they don’t understand this or that’ that is a judgment. The second we think ‘we know better for someone else because of our own experience’ that is a judgement.
Yes there is something to be said of ‘me, having gone through something can help others not have the same heartache or problems etc etc.’ But think of the INTENT of you sharing. Is it because you think that your struggle was ‘wrong’ and that you should have chosen something different and so you want them to, too? Or is it more along the lines of, ‘I’ll share my experience and allow you to take from it what you feel is right for you’? And then let them have their experience without being angry or bugged that they didn’t follow what you think they should have? Or taken away from your experience what you think they should have?
If you think you ‘know better’ for someone else’s life, you’re automatically judging them. Your story is not their story. Your day to day experience is not their experience. How you handle things is not the same way that they will handle things. The way they navigate things is not the same way you navigate things.
It was the best feeling to come in contact with an experience that a few years ago, I would have judged. I would have had all those little thought bubbles pop up about how it’s because they don’t understand, or they aren’t seeing it, or or or.
I was working on someone over the phone and half way through the zone, it came up that she no longer was part of the faith that she used to be. That she chose to leave. I thought it was interesting but nothing else. I continued on with the session and throughout the rest of it had the distinct impression over and over that I needed to ask her about her story. At the very end, I just simply asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling me her story.
She opened up about it and told me her story and then at the end she thanked me for asking and listening without any judgement. She told me that she can feel deeply and many times people have asked her story because they feel like they ‘have’ to but that many times she will feel the judgement directed at her.
We hung up and I started crying. Her story was something that I previously would have thrown up all the judgment. I had nothing but compassion and love for her. No subconscious judgment, nothing. I had wanted to feel that feeling for so long.
I’m not sharing this to boast that oh, look at me I don’t judge. I still find myself once in a while getting into that state of mind. Especially when I feel it AGAINST me, then I’ll catch myself having thoughts of ‘well it’s just cuz they haven’t dealt with this or this, or they’re not aware of this or that’. That my friends is judgement! I’ll have to stop myself and remind myself that they have they’re own experience and I have mine.
All that everyone wants is to be LOVED through their experiences. They just want to share their story and not feel like they have to hide.
BUT again, there’s two sides to that BECAUSE…. me wanting to hide if I FEEL judgment… is a judgment.. haha. I’m automatically judging them because of how they’re perceiving me.
So here’s the other part to that that I allowed myself to get in to.
I WANTED to control how people reacted. I wanted to badly that EVERYONE understands why I/we made the choice that we made. I wanted to hold everyone up to this ‘standard’ that they wouldn’t do or say some of the things that they have said.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that all light was gone from me and that I was being led by dark.
I didn’t want to be told that I was ruining my children’s lives.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that I was selfish.
I wanted all feedback to be, ‘Oh my gosh, I totally FEEL you and know this or that’ ‘You’re totally doing the right thing for you’. Etc.
So me getting angry or upset or hurt that the other things were said to me… is a judgement on my part.
The end all??
There’s fear and there’s love.
Judgement comes from fear. Judgment of what someone is doing or saying is your own fear or something you don’t understand yourself.
We fear what we don’t understand. We automatically go into judgment because of that fear.
The more we can look at others through the eyes of, ‘This is their story and it’s hard enough as it is. I have NO CLUE what’s really going on and I don’t need to. It’s none of my business. What I can do is send them love and light and TRUST. They’re going through what they need to to become THEM. They are going through their own refiners fire. They will come out ten times more amazing on the other side. I will be there for them when they need me and be along side of them when they need someone to lean on or someone to remind them that they’ve got whatever comes their way. I will be the one person they know they can turn to to just talk and help them through their feelings’ the more that we can release ourselves from judgment and fear and see everyone through the eyes of Love.
So I guess that last post (when being vulnerable is scary) was kind of a ‘left you hanging’ kind of post. Not 100% intentional. More along the lines of ‘Oh my gosh, I may faint if I post this’ ‘What are people going to initially think about me?’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ ‘I’m making this a bigger deal than it really is’ And on and on and on…
My biggest weakness is worrying what other people think of me. I’m a people pleaser, I don’t like to be the ’cause’ of anyone else’s pain. Being someone who feels things deeply makes it a perfect storm for myself.
Like, it gets pretty bad. After I published the post yesterday, I slowly physically started feeling ill. My mind started going crazy with more worrying and questioning what in the heck I was doing.
“Some are going to think I’m just doing this for attention.”
“Others have bigger trials than me, so what gives me the ‘right’ to share or ‘go public’ with mine?”
“I don’t want to feel any more judgement.”
“I feel so stupid after posting that.”
“I think I want to go crawl in a hole.”
Plus a butt load of other ones.
I took an Epsom salt bath with some oils because by the time I had put my kids to bed, I was wasted physically. After the bath it was 8 o’clock and I crawled right into bed. My body was drained of any energy. My body hurt.
THAT is how powerful our minds are. I’m not a stranger to this happening. The more aware I’ve become of my physical body and mind I can tell what’s going on. I knew it was all emotional. My thoughts all day long were negative and full of doubt. And my body responded. Plus freaking out about writing THIS post.
So, what is my reality?
My reality is that daily I’m trying to push past my fears of worrying and people pleasing in doing and becoming who I know I am and doing what I know I am meant to be doing despite doubts from myself and others.
My reality is that my marriage ended September 20th.
That reality has caused A LOT of pain. Not just for me but for others. If you’re a worrier and people pleaser/don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain… can imagine and know exactly how I have been feeling.
Thus, the hardest 7 months of my life. I know you’re maybe thinking after reading that, “WHAT?! Why? What happened?”
We made a choice. I made a choice. A choice that we didn’t completely understand at times and then at other times I had a COMPLETE understanding as to why. It’s not your ‘normal’ situation and from there a lot of misunderstanding and pain from others surrounding.
Everyone has their ‘hard’ and ‘painful’ in life. This is mine/ours.
Everyone has something that only God knows will stretch them beyond what they could ever imagine to become more than they’ve ever imagined. This is my/our something right now.
I don’t expect everyone or anyone actually to understand (which yes I have been fighting that too…wanting to have EVERYONE listen and FEEL where I’m coming from so that they can ‘see’ what’s going on and understand and know I’m not completely bat crazy) and THAT has been a huge lesson for me too. Not everyone will understand or want to and that’s okay. How would it help me in the areas that God knows I need to grow if everyone understood it?
I don’t always have the answers for why things feel they need to be a certain way or how or when we are meant to learn things a certain way. All I know is that I KNOW without a doubt that this was meant to be. There have been many amazingly perfect confirmations and spiritual experiences along the way for me to ever completely doubt. I can’t say that I didn’t EVER doubt along the way buut that’s a story for another post.
And for reasons both known and unknown I have felt strongly to share my reality, my daily, my learning and my growth from the get go when Fuel Love came to be.
Sometimes things don’t always make sense while we are going through them and then in hindsight all the dots connect.
The trick and biggest learning experience in all of that is to stay in gratitude and love. Grateful for EVERYTHING you’re going through and being able to SEE them as helping you not hurting you. Life happens FOR us, not TO us. Our mindset stuck in the negative will keep us in the ‘happening TO us’ phase. But if we can learn to manage where our mind goes and keep it in the positive we can see the beauty unfold. How would we grow if everything was easy all the time?
LOVE. Love everyone and everything no matter what is thrown your way. They’re going through their own experiences too. They need just as much love and good thoughts sent their way as you think you need or want. What is said and done again isn’t happening to you, it’s for you. There’s some learning in there about how others may treat you. All you can do is love. It doesn’t do any good to have anything else replace that. Yes, pain is felt and you are more than okay to grieve but don’t let the hurt and anger stay IN you. Forgive, love and be grateful.
A lot of times I have liked to think I was smarter than God and tried to control what outcomes would happen out of this situation and others, also. But I’m not. All I can do continually strengthen my relationship with Christ, have faith, trust, see my life as a continual learning path of growth. Seeing and finding the JOY and fun that life is meant to be and is full of.
The struggle is real and I’m not here to say, ‘I’ve finally made it, my life is so fun and happy every day!’
I don’t have it all together. It’s a constant thing I get to work on daily. Just like muscle, a little effort a day makes it stronger and stronger. Some days really suck. Some days are amazing. Some days are half and half. Balance. We wouldn’t appreciate the amazing without the crap.
So this. This is my reality and I’m grateful to be able to share my struggles, my lessons, my growth, my learning, and my successes with you.
This is a harder one to write but I have such a strong desire to help others know they’re not alone and that it is OKAY and will be okay.
This next week I’m teaching a class about eating healthy. Recently, conversations that I’m a part of always go in the direction of eating and the struggles. I’m a firm believer and advocate of learning to listen to our own bodies so that we’re getting the nutrients that we need. Nature never repeats itself. No two people are alike. That means what works for us may not work EXACTLY the same for someone else.
If you’re just starting to learn how to live a healthier lifestyle and changing up your eating, it’s great to get a base of what that even is but don’t get so caught up in doing exactly what they tell you with no thought of what YOU and YOUR body need. Your body WILL tell you what it needs and does not need. It’s simple. Not always easy, but simple. You just ask. It takes some practice, but I KNOW it works and anyone can do it.
That is my take on how everyone should learn to eat healthy. Get the basics down and then learn to listen to what your body needs to fuel it properly.
This is where it’s gotten interesting for me the last month or so. Lately I’ve been SUPER exhausted. I’ve been super dizzy and blacking out a lot when I stand up. I didn’t know what was going on.
Back up almost 3 1/2 years ago, this same thing happened when my daughter was 6 months old. That time I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so wrapped up in needing to lose my 60+ lbs I gained that I just didn’t eat until 5PM everyday.
So my husband kept asking me if I’ve been eating enough. I “of course” was. To my knowledge I hadn’t been doing anything different. I scheduled an appointment with my mentor and good friend who I’ve been going to the last 6-7 months to figure out what was going on.
I sat down, she asked me if I was taking any supplements. I had been off and on. Then she asked me the same question my husband had been asking me off and on. “Have you been eating enough.” I immediately said, “Ya, I know I have been.” Then she asked me what I’ve been eating regularly and how much. I went on to explain what I have been eating and portion sizes. She looked at me and said, “Really? You’ve been eating that much?”
Right then it hit me, I was doing it again. I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so confused and so lost as to WHY. Why was I doing this again to myself and how was I SOO unaware. My thyroid was struggling, my body was struggling, I was so weak and tired all the time and I was doing it to myself, without even realizing it.
I was hiding it from myself. I was hiding the pain.
I was self-sabotaging myself from being healthy and being able to have all the things I desired. I was punishing myself.
I had been feeling like I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t worthy of a healthy body, so every time I have consciously caught myself denying love and I stopped it, my subconscious then flipped into what I really believed about myself.
Some terrifying experiences growing up surrounding being terrorized and bullied led me to have that deep belief, so I learned to punish myself whenever I tried to go for something bigger and better. I self sabotaged.
Why am I writing about this? Why am I putting this out in the open?
I’ve been feeling like I’ve been living this double person lately. People asking me for advice about eating healthy and working through the guilt, self sabotage, shame, pain, and hurt. I know all the “answers” but have I been living it? Yes and no. Part of me has on the surface level, but the other part… the other deep down, Janica hasn’t. I’ve felt like a fraud to myself.
Today being “We Be Healthy Wednesday” and posting about healthy eating this morning… It struck something in me. I no longer want to hide my pain. I no longer want to hide my deep down struggles. I know we ALL have struggles. Some similar, some not, but we all have the pain from those and we can all help each other and support each other through them.
I go through struggles with eating. Deep down struggles with eating. I have struggled with the need to fight for my life. I have struggled with feeling strong enough. I have struggled with feeling like I even had a purpose to stay on this earth, that no one would care if I was even gone. And those are just a few.
I don’t write this for sympathy. I need Fuel Love just as much as I hoped other people would benefit from it. I’m honestly learning right along with what I’m sharing and hoping to spread to others. I want to be honest. I want to be open. I want you to know that YOU can do it, too. You ARE loved even though you may not believe it or feel it. You really are. YOU are more than worthy of all the greatness in the world. YOU are beautiful and strong. YOU are capable of ANYTHING you desire. YOU don’t have to suffer alone. You don’t have to constantly feel the pain. And it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to have struggles. You don’t have to be strong through everything. You don’t have to push it aside or stuff it down in fear of being made fun of or looking weak. You are gorgeous inside and out JUST the way you are. Your journey is your own. Your journey is fit perfect for helping you rediscover YOU and loving every part of you every step of the way. You wouldn’t go through all the trials, pain, and hurt if you weren’t meant for something great.
And you are.
So don’t hide yourself. Don’t hide FROM yourself.
My struggles with eating do not define me. It’s part of my journey, to peel back and learn from. To learn my strength and keep pressing forward.
That’s where your strength lies, in how many times you get knocked down or even knock yourself down and keep getting up and moving forward.