if you quiet your mind, your heart and body will speak to you.
The last few weeks, I’ve had a big ‘jolt’ awake. A ‘dark night of the soul’ experience. Another death and rebirth.
Deep down I could feel it coming. I needed it, but I’m pretty sure I was terrified and avoiding the feeling of what I knew was about to happen. My body had been in more pain than typical. Relentless. And it wasn’t getting better.
…I was ‘on a roll’ or so I quasi thought. My body AND my heart had been speaking to me, I just wasn’t fully listening. I’d have a nudge here.. nope, push that one down. I’d have a nudge there… nope, push THAT one down.
This one, I did listen to. While my ego was being the master at shoving the little nudges of guidance here and there, I had kept having the feeling to set up a Reiki session with Amy who has worked on me a handful of times. I hear those loud and clear. I know when I need help outside of my own healing.
The timing wasn’t exactly lining up until the second week in Feb. My body, mind, and soul were craving it. I knew there were things that I had been ignoring that were screaming to be seen.
The session came… and the flood gates were opened. My heart was ready for the opening, but it felt so so raw. Pain that I’ve been working through and carrying. The times I’ve tried so hard to make certain people in my life proud of me. Feeling like I’m fighting up stream with all the energy ‘surrounding me’ by certain people in my life because I’m not living life the way that they see it ‘should be lived’.
My ‘strong mask’ was called out. Where and with whom I shared my energy was called out. In the most loving ways possible.
‘You get to start stating how you really feel. Telling people you’re fine, when you’re really not, when you feel broken inside and are questioning your worth…every time you do that and put your ‘strong mask’ on, your energy and power drop by 10%.
Be very purposeful about who you chose to spend time with. And pay very close attention to how your body feels around them and how you feel deep down.’
So, I took one massive step back from life. I had to. I couldn’t continue on how I had been.
My body forced my mind and heart to go into a state of deep rest. But I was fighting it. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I felt so alone. Emotions moving up and out. It had a familiar sting to it from 3 1/2 years ago. The experience of going through the divorce and EVERYTHING that came with it. I didn’t want to do this. Face demons I’ve been harboring, emotions I’ve buried deep under the ground. MY realities. Feel pain and experiences that I’ve been avoiding for years.
Pain attached to fear, attached to beliefs about yourself not in love, drags you to the lowest low. It brings you to a place where even when you KNOW you need help to pull you out of this mindset, you still feel so stupid reaching out for help. It rears an ugly grip.
The stigma around it. The fears we as a society have been taught. That we’re not strong. Or you’re just looking for attention. Or there’s no way out. You’ll feel this way forever.
My older sister and I made a pledge those few years back. We are each others phone call when we get to that point. I had been here twice before.
But this time felt a little different or weird. I couldn’t get myself to call, I felt so stupid that I was at this point. So I just text.
‘Shanae I need help. Extra love or light or something…’
I ugly cried and sobbed/talked it out, feeling so hopeless, sitting in a Smith’s parking lot. I felt so lost. I felt sooo worthless. All the internal dialogue that had made it’s way and I had let make up home in my mind all came up at once. By one little SMALL trigger. And that’s why I felt so stupid for plummeting SO fast and so hard.
‘You’re unlovable. You’re not worth supporting. No one actually really likes you behind your back. You’re the worst person ever. You’ve been trying so hard, and it’ll never be enough.’
I was sick of trying. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was tired. That mask… tired of trying to be strong. Tired of being strong. I literally felt like my strength had run out. Tired of holding onto the fact that I couldn’t get over trying to make certain people proud of me, and feeling like all they really wanted me to do was fail.
I HAD to get some groceries for the littles, so I made my way through Smiths, when an earthly angel called me at the perfect timing as I was driving home to my babies.
Jen helped me clear a lot of what had come up and was coming up. She supported me, listened to me and was just there for me. Not trying to fix anything. Just reminding me that I was loved and to give myself permission to allow ALL of the feelings to flow up and out. No judgement just letting them go and honoring them as they did.
The next few days was spent in bed. My body felt like it physically had been through the ringer. So I worked on more emotional, mental, and spiritual releasing. Writing forgiveness letters, stating my intentions for what I REALLY want in life. Checking in with my energy. Trying things on energetically to see how they all felt.
I was in such a vulnerable space, heart wide open, no where to go but up and I wanted to be in 100% alignment with who and what and how I spent my energy and time.
It’s like when you move into a new house. You have everything in boxes still from the old place and you’re figuring out where to put everything. Deciding if you really wanna keep everything you’ve brought with you to this point.
Trying it out, but paying very close attention to how everything feels as you place it in each drawer or cupboard.
Even to the point of just looking at things from a distance, being the observer of how each of those pieces of Tupperware and kitchenware have played a part in your life.
You start to see the reality. YOUR reality. The truth you’ve been hiding from. Yet you still sit and stare from across the kitchen because your heart. Oh how your heart is ready to stay open, so you really only let in things that are a HELL YES to your energy. And had already been. The questionables still sit in the box. Not making them wrong or bad, but seeing their place in your space.
Since then I have been taking very intentional steps daily. Just letting myself be. Processing and integrating. Going with the flow and doing things that bring me joy or where my heart felt safe to stay open.
I went to a sound bath that stirred something up from a couple years ago…, I messaged a friend to have lunch.
Doing a few nights of personal card readings. Receiving more guidance. Pulling back all of my own energy to me. It felt like all day insights and reminders were coming to me, about me and how I had been living the past year specifically.
—>I had spent A LOT of time listening to others advice and trying to make their WHOLE persona mine. Not wanting to be ‘wrong’ about how I was living my life. Terrified to hurt others. Fearful that I would be completely abandoned. Taking on others very confident truths as my own. Saying yes to a lot of things that I didn’t really care for, but also didn’t care enough to say no. I wasn’t listening to MY body. And I was doing a lot of conscious hovering ABOVE my body but not being all the way connected to and IN it.
I was starting to drift further away from listening to my heart and how it was trying to guide me all along. As simple as doing little things that brought me joy. <—
More forgiveness work. A lot towards myself. Calling ALL of me back.
I started to get stronger and more pronounced nudges from my guides and angels. Leading me to someone I had never had a reading done with before. I’m always super picky about who I have work on me and my energy, and I just knew she had something for me.
It was the coolest reading. Everything felt like it was ticking back into full alignment. Gears were being shifted, conscious was being brought back to the forefront of things I had known from the past. Clearer understanding of those and who I am. My purpose.
Feeling so supported and seen and heard. Reminding me of the never ending support from the other side.
SURRENDERING everything up to this point that I’ve been holding onto with so much grief, pain, and shame about. I was doing the best I could with what I knew and understood at that time. And I am ALWAYS in the right place at the right time. We all are.
Yet it was also time for me to REALLY honor the feelings that I haven’t allowed myself to honor and feel. To get really real about my life up to this point. What I chose, how I felt in all my choices, not feeling like I had real choices. Letting even deeper pain and anger out.
Following my intuition to things that would help me do that. Journaling, watching specific movies, sending thank you’s to certain people, more forgiveness work, and writing letters that I would never send. And most importantly, connecting back to my voice, my heart, and following my bliss.
These things ALL helped the deeper feelings surface to be able to really feel them for the first time and led to a space of healing further.
It was 3 weeks of the most intense energy ever. I finally feel like my head is above ground. Not quite fully out. Still integrating and getting to know this ‘new’ me, that has always been there 😉
Really for the first time, being 100% aware and honoring my energy. Making simple shifts here and there where I used to people please in the littlest of ways and seeing how those did effect me.
My body, the amazing vessel that it is. I’ve had some HUGE shifts with the pain JUST by honoring, allowing, feeling, surrendering and letting the deep stuff go.
Grounding INTO my body daily. Your body will never deceive you. It will never abandon you. When you shut your heart and intuition down, your body still speaks.
My body spoke and it led me down to the deepest depths to show me where the lightest light was residing.
Gratitude for the journey I’ve been on. Gratitude for the simple message from someone who just happened to feel a feeling to say they loved me while I was in the middle of it. Nothing is too small or simple in life.
It is all leading us, it is all guiding us. We are all on this journey together, walking our specific paths but always walking together and walking each other home.
You ARE loved. You ARE guided. You have SUCH a massive support system beyond the veil. You ARE different and it’s freaking amazing. All these feelings you’re having are for a reason. To show you, to lead you to your brightness.
You are needed.
and you are ALWAYS always worthy, just by being YOU. You RIGHT now is good enough. In this moment and always.
I came face to face in the mirror with a part of me that was in some serious lock down. That puppy was subconsciously secure!
And now that we’ve made best friends, I can recall MANY instances where she’s knocked on my door but I didn’t fully recognize her looking through the peep hole. So she stayed outside. Wasn’t invited in.
I was at the Unlikely event, put on by Michael Marcial, and all the speakers kept touching on tidbits that were de ja vu-y moments.
-Be you. Time to show up. Lead with your heart. You’re meant to do what you know you are. Why aren’t you DOING it? Create those relationships. It’s time. Everything is incredible.-
New Year’s Day…she came to play. For reals this time. A few events leading up to that morning widened the peep hole. Juuuust big enough to tilt my head sideways. Oh it’s YOU.
So why do I feel like I have the last year? Where did my passion go? My zest for life? Why have I been so tired? Why do I want to give up on my dreams? Why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?
I felt it before so why has it been so damn hard to feel it and connect and just fly.
We had just finished watching one of the most inspirational videos ever and I had to give everything I had to not audibly burst into tears. I had to stay and finish listening to what Tyler Bastian had to say, I couldn’t miss anything. Right when he was done I left to the bathroom where not surprising but the angel who had been sitting next to me who I had yet to officially meet was walking out. We made eye contact and it just came. She hugged me and I basically told her I was gonna be a minute. The flood was coming and it was ready to be let go.
I sat in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a good 10 minutes. Not even knowing why. Just letting it out. I could only stay in the stall for so long because there were women coming in and out 😂 so I found a place down the hall in a corner and just sank to the floor and bawled some more. It felt. So. Good.
I was watching the snow fall outside the window and then it hit me. It was as if myself from the past and my higher self showed up in my minds eye and said, ‘Why do you keep abandoning yourself? You show up for everyone else. You make sure that everyone else is taken care of. It’s time you REALLY get to start showing up for YOU. It’s time to make those dreams a reality.’
…Over the course of the last week a big awareness has shown up. WHY I have been stuck in this same cycle. In my close relationships, both romantic and not, I get so immersed in showing up for them. Then I start feeling tired and depressed and feeling like somethings wrong with me. Feeling further and further away from ‘me’. Then when I’ve taken a step back, magic immediately happens. Life is in sync, sessions get full, I feel like me again… then I start connecting to what they may be going through and have usually jumped back in to ‘save’ mode. Not wanting people to hate me, wanting them to understand why I am doing what I’m doing. Wanting to clear the air and make sure they’re okay.
Because of who I am. And how I conditioned myself when I was younger.
I am a deeply feeling empath. I have clear and very strong intuition.
When I interact with people it’s almost as if I can ‘see’ all of their information floating above and around their body. I can feel and sense everything that’s going on. How this looks in relationships and how I’ve conditioned myself is…
If I’m having a convo with someone and a decision is involved, or they need help, or they’re struggling emotionally…
I have done 2 things: analyze all the possible outcomes of what my responses could be and how it would affect them according to what is showing up emotionally for them and then choose which one would get the least painful response. Whether it was subconscious or not. Basically making sure they are comfortable and instantly mind mapping all the ways to keep their heart at bay. Feeling their fears and pain and doing whatever I can to work around that. And this is all done in a matter of seconds. 😳 WTF, right?!
I wasn’t purposefully doing this on a fully conscious level. What I had conditioned myself to do because of my gifts is give others what THEY needed. To make sure they knew they were loved and cared about. I would perceive the potential hurt and try to make sure it didn’t happen or at least throw a fluffy pillow under them.
Because I could/can literally see and feel all of their pain and subconscious programming.
This awareness made me want to puke and celebrate and cry and feel free.
Codependent much? Attachment issues much? Control issues…Holy. Moly. On a layer I had worked through those but this one was a good core root. Geez!
When it has come to big decisions and following my heart and what’s best, I‘ve done ‘well’ the last few years. The day to day relationships and choices. That’s where it has gotten me and I’ve been hurting myself because of it.
Always worrying about what others may think of me. People pleasing. ‘Managing’ others emotions so you don’t trigger them and then they don’t like you 🙄.
We all have our biggest messes. This is mine. And one I’m constantly digging deeper and deeper and this has felt like a huge uproot.
I haven’t known how to be around people this last week. As silly as that sounds. As I’ve been delving into this and watching how I’m responding to the experience and checking in with myself daily when thoughts come up…I’ve needed ‘protection’ so to speak. I’ve needed seclusion to build my 100% alignment muscle. To know EXACTLY what saying yes to ME feels like before I venture out into relationships again.
Healing the parts of me that needed to do that when I was a younger girl. Finding the root of why and when it started.
I get to learn at a deeper level and practice how to be me without feeling horrible about it! Guys! I know some of you may think it’s easy to communicate straight up, but when you can feel everything! Even when the other person may not be aware. It ain’t easy.
Now that I have the awareness of what I was doing, I get to now integrate that with everything else I’ve learned.
I used to wish this part of me away. Feeling everything at such an intense and deep level. It’s been debilitating at times and I’ve felt super alone because of it. I’ve felt crazy and insane.
But it’s who I am. And I’ve cultivated it and strengthened it because I know I’m meant to help others walk through the depths and help them connect to ALL of who they are. Being able to see the beauty in what makes them THEM. And be CONFIDENT about choosing them!
These are some of my biggest take aways and I know you empaths will relate.
You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to try and help someone understand. You don’t have to explain. It sounds harsh but it’s truth.
How we work through things…we all do it differently. You get to learn how it feels and works to be 100% YOU. And if you have to retreat to figure it out so you don’t keep abandoning yourself and so you don’t make things worse. You do you boo.
It is YOURS to work through. You get to do it with how works best for you. You’re working through trauma, you’re working through years of programming. Undoing it can be messy and unpredictable and if you don’t feel safe around anyone. You don’t have to be around anyone! And you don’t have to feel bad about it.
You don’t have to worry if no one understands. Your people- will get it.
You. Get. To. Do. Whats. Best. For. You.
It will create better relationships. It will create a better relationship with yourself.
FIRST show up for you. That’s where the magic happens.
I’ll admit, my last post was maybe a little harsh and straight forward. I felt strongly that I needed to share my thoughts BUT I wasn’t completely in a space coming from just love.
Let’s just say I can get a little sassy. It’s one thing I’m always trying to tone down. haha. A little bit of sass is good but where’s the intent?
I was sharing because it felt strong, but I still needed to do a little forgiveness with others and myself before posting it. There was a bit of ‘I’ll show you’ attitude mixed in with it annnnnd that’s never good. I was hurt and I let it get to me in ways that weren’t for my best good nor for the energy and intent behind the post and it carried over into it.
I apologize. I don’t claim to be perfect by any means. Even though I let that little demon sit inside for far too long sometimes 😉
I get passionate and sometimes when I’m going through really hard and emotional things I get the attitude of wanting to help people see the effects of the pain. That is where I am off. That is where I am trying to control situations, people, outcomes. And for me, that is not in anyone’s highest good. It feels heavy and it gets me stuck. It doesn’t spread any goodness and just carries more pain and lower vibes.
I don’t need to ‘prove’ myself to anyone. I don’t need anyone on ‘my side’. Even though that’s the self trap I put myself into over and over again. I’m trying to (in my mind) force those that I think are supposed to support me and understand to actually support and understand me. And again, that’s where I’m off.
A quote that I have been loving lately is ‘You be you, and I’ll be me’. Love everyone for who they are and don’t try and force or control or change anyone into being or becoming who YOU think they should be or what role they’re meant to play in your life. Cuz the truth is, we don’t really know… We don’t know the lessons that we need that are for our highest good. We don’t always understand why things play out the way they seem to play out. All we can do is love ourselves enough that we allow ourselves to have the capacity to love others the same way. Because if we don’t love ourselves… how is it even possible to completely love others?
Just needed to share this little post today. I’m not always ‘on’. I make mistakes and I’m trying to learn from all of my mistakes.
*I feel like I need to preface my posts for a while with the comment that I’m never writing anything to ‘make people feel sorry for me’ or ‘make anyone feel bad or calling anyone out’. This is my experience. These are things that I am learning. These are things I feel inspired to share. I am 100% okay if people don’t agree or have differing opinions. That’s the beauty of everyone having their own stories, we get to learn from each other, grow together, and support!
Now I get why not a lot of people want to share their struggles and their reality. haha
Some people will be supportive of YOU, yet may not understand and you still don’t feel the judgement from them.
Some people wont be supportive at all and will make it known.
Some people will say they’re supportive and then assume and ask all kinds of questions as if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Some people will say it to your face, some people won’t.
After sharing what I did, I wasn’t sure what the response would be. All I knew is that I needed to share. I was pleasantly surprised by the response. I was doing okay for the first day after. Then a few comments here and there started to trickle in. A couple in particular stopped me in my tracks and I crumbled to my bed and bawled.
I know I know, how can I let one or two ‘not amazing’ comments get to me over all the people that reached out?! And after some really really cool conversations with those struggling themselves?!
Remember my weakness of people pleasing and doubting myself?
There comes a point when you allow yourself to share the deepest parts of you or get the courage to even share ANYTHING, that things are still a little fragile at first. Whether it’s sharing something huge or not.
One comment was after a live video I did on my personal FB page about Love. I felt very strongly I needed to share what I have learned.
I was not connecting it directly to my marriage. I was connecting it to what I have learned over the span of the last year and a half since starting Fuel Love.
It took me THIRTY MINUTES of sitting in my chair, trying to boost up my self confidence and prayed, did some simple yoga, doused myself in oils and asked over and over to be guided to say the right thing that I would just share something that would touch someone all while feeling calm while I did so.
I about bowed out and didn’t do it. But I did. And it felt awesome.
Then I got a comment about how selfish I was being in my thoughts and actions recently.
It’s not the first time I have been called selfish since starting Fuel Love.
Right then, it was a dagger.
I immediately started questioning ever sharing anything asking over and over why why why? Why do I feel so strongly to share my story and what I’ve learned and to LIVE my passion and what I feel called to do?
Then it hit me and I remembered. I remembered who I was. I remembered WHOSE I was. I’m not saying I’m anything special. I’m not anyone more than anyone else. We each have something in us to share. We each have something to share to help someone else go through the same feelings and/or experience. I’ve fought hard to be in alignment with what I know God wants me to do/share and I can’t let one or two triggers and soft spots stop me.
If everyone did that, we wouldn’t have half the things we have today. We wouldn’t have half the people we look up today that went against the grain and kept pushing through despite all the naysayers and doubters and those that didn’t believe in them.
Ya I get that what I’m going through and what my experience is ‘not of the ”norm” but I want to mention a few cool things that I have personally experienced concerning judgement.
The second you think that they ‘didn’t think things all the way through’ or that ‘they don’t know what they’re in for’…you’re judging them.
I didn’t realize how subconsciously judgemental I was until a very dear friend pointed it out to me a few years ago. She was a deep feeler and she was going through a tough time herself. I ‘supported’ her through out it all but there was always this dis-ease when we would talk about things. I could FEEL my judgement whenever we would talk about her situation. In the back of my mind, I was always thinking… ‘Oh well it’s because she doesn’t understand this’…or ‘It’s because she’s not thinking about this or this’.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it until one day we just slowly lost contact and I reached out to her a few months after. She opened up to me about how she just had to stop having conversations with me and be connected so closely because the judgement coming from me was just too strong.
I knew exactly what she was talking about and she was right. It hurt. It hurt because it was something I knew I struggled with and also something I thought I had overcome. But also I had a hard time ‘going there’ because it was such a pained struggle for me.
Over the next year after that I wanted to REALLY understand what I was doing and HOW was I being judgemental.
BECAUSE of what I have chosen, it leaves room for LOTS of judgment. Concerned people suggesting I didn’t do enough, or try enough or look hard enough at all that would happen because of my/our choice. That everything I am doing is selfish.
This is what I believe and this is what I have experienced. The second that we THINK anything about anyone elses experience that leads you to ‘Well that’s because they don’t understand this or that’ that is a judgment. The second we think ‘we know better for someone else because of our own experience’ that is a judgement.
Yes there is something to be said of ‘me, having gone through something can help others not have the same heartache or problems etc etc.’ But think of the INTENT of you sharing. Is it because you think that your struggle was ‘wrong’ and that you should have chosen something different and so you want them to, too? Or is it more along the lines of, ‘I’ll share my experience and allow you to take from it what you feel is right for you’? And then let them have their experience without being angry or bugged that they didn’t follow what you think they should have? Or taken away from your experience what you think they should have?
If you think you ‘know better’ for someone else’s life, you’re automatically judging them. Your story is not their story. Your day to day experience is not their experience. How you handle things is not the same way that they will handle things. The way they navigate things is not the same way you navigate things.
It was the best feeling to come in contact with an experience that a few years ago, I would have judged. I would have had all those little thought bubbles pop up about how it’s because they don’t understand, or they aren’t seeing it, or or or.
I was working on someone over the phone and half way through the zone, it came up that she no longer was part of the faith that she used to be. That she chose to leave. I thought it was interesting but nothing else. I continued on with the session and throughout the rest of it had the distinct impression over and over that I needed to ask her about her story. At the very end, I just simply asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling me her story.
She opened up about it and told me her story and then at the end she thanked me for asking and listening without any judgement. She told me that she can feel deeply and many times people have asked her story because they feel like they ‘have’ to but that many times she will feel the judgement directed at her.
We hung up and I started crying. Her story was something that I previously would have thrown up all the judgment. I had nothing but compassion and love for her. No subconscious judgment, nothing. I had wanted to feel that feeling for so long.
I’m not sharing this to boast that oh, look at me I don’t judge. I still find myself once in a while getting into that state of mind. Especially when I feel it AGAINST me, then I’ll catch myself having thoughts of ‘well it’s just cuz they haven’t dealt with this or this, or they’re not aware of this or that’. That my friends is judgement! I’ll have to stop myself and remind myself that they have they’re own experience and I have mine.
All that everyone wants is to be LOVED through their experiences. They just want to share their story and not feel like they have to hide.
BUT again, there’s two sides to that BECAUSE…. me wanting to hide if I FEEL judgment… is a judgment.. haha. I’m automatically judging them because of how they’re perceiving me.
So here’s the other part to that that I allowed myself to get in to.
I WANTED to control how people reacted. I wanted to badly that EVERYONE understands why I/we made the choice that we made. I wanted to hold everyone up to this ‘standard’ that they wouldn’t do or say some of the things that they have said.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that all light was gone from me and that I was being led by dark.
I didn’t want to be told that I was ruining my children’s lives.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that I was selfish.
I wanted all feedback to be, ‘Oh my gosh, I totally FEEL you and know this or that’ ‘You’re totally doing the right thing for you’. Etc.
So me getting angry or upset or hurt that the other things were said to me… is a judgement on my part.
The end all??
There’s fear and there’s love.
Judgement comes from fear. Judgment of what someone is doing or saying is your own fear or something you don’t understand yourself.
We fear what we don’t understand. We automatically go into judgment because of that fear.
The more we can look at others through the eyes of, ‘This is their story and it’s hard enough as it is. I have NO CLUE what’s really going on and I don’t need to. It’s none of my business. What I can do is send them love and light and TRUST. They’re going through what they need to to become THEM. They are going through their own refiners fire. They will come out ten times more amazing on the other side. I will be there for them when they need me and be along side of them when they need someone to lean on or someone to remind them that they’ve got whatever comes their way. I will be the one person they know they can turn to to just talk and help them through their feelings’ the more that we can release ourselves from judgment and fear and see everyone through the eyes of Love.
So I guess that last post (when being vulnerable is scary) was kind of a ‘left you hanging’ kind of post. Not 100% intentional. More along the lines of ‘Oh my gosh, I may faint if I post this’ ‘What are people going to initially think about me?’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ ‘I’m making this a bigger deal than it really is’ And on and on and on…
My biggest weakness is worrying what other people think of me. I’m a people pleaser, I don’t like to be the ’cause’ of anyone else’s pain. Being someone who feels things deeply makes it a perfect storm for myself.
Like, it gets pretty bad. After I published the post yesterday, I slowly physically started feeling ill. My mind started going crazy with more worrying and questioning what in the heck I was doing.
“Some are going to think I’m just doing this for attention.”
“Others have bigger trials than me, so what gives me the ‘right’ to share or ‘go public’ with mine?”
“I don’t want to feel any more judgement.”
“I feel so stupid after posting that.”
“I think I want to go crawl in a hole.”
Plus a butt load of other ones.
I took an Epsom salt bath with some oils because by the time I had put my kids to bed, I was wasted physically. After the bath it was 8 o’clock and I crawled right into bed. My body was drained of any energy. My body hurt.
THAT is how powerful our minds are. I’m not a stranger to this happening. The more aware I’ve become of my physical body and mind I can tell what’s going on. I knew it was all emotional. My thoughts all day long were negative and full of doubt. And my body responded. Plus freaking out about writing THIS post.
So, what is my reality?
My reality is that daily I’m trying to push past my fears of worrying and people pleasing in doing and becoming who I know I am and doing what I know I am meant to be doing despite doubts from myself and others.
My reality is that my marriage ended September 20th.
That reality has caused A LOT of pain. Not just for me but for others. If you’re a worrier and people pleaser/don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain… can imagine and know exactly how I have been feeling.
Thus, the hardest 7 months of my life. I know you’re maybe thinking after reading that, “WHAT?! Why? What happened?”
We made a choice. I made a choice. A choice that we didn’t completely understand at times and then at other times I had a COMPLETE understanding as to why. It’s not your ‘normal’ situation and from there a lot of misunderstanding and pain from others surrounding.
Everyone has their ‘hard’ and ‘painful’ in life. This is mine/ours.
Everyone has something that only God knows will stretch them beyond what they could ever imagine to become more than they’ve ever imagined. This is my/our something right now.
I don’t expect everyone or anyone actually to understand (which yes I have been fighting that too…wanting to have EVERYONE listen and FEEL where I’m coming from so that they can ‘see’ what’s going on and understand and know I’m not completely bat crazy) and THAT has been a huge lesson for me too. Not everyone will understand or want to and that’s okay. How would it help me in the areas that God knows I need to grow if everyone understood it?
I don’t always have the answers for why things feel they need to be a certain way or how or when we are meant to learn things a certain way. All I know is that I KNOW without a doubt that this was meant to be. There have been many amazingly perfect confirmations and spiritual experiences along the way for me to ever completely doubt. I can’t say that I didn’t EVER doubt along the way buut that’s a story for another post.
And for reasons both known and unknown I have felt strongly to share my reality, my daily, my learning and my growth from the get go when Fuel Love came to be.
Sometimes things don’t always make sense while we are going through them and then in hindsight all the dots connect.
The trick and biggest learning experience in all of that is to stay in gratitude and love. Grateful for EVERYTHING you’re going through and being able to SEE them as helping you not hurting you. Life happens FOR us, not TO us. Our mindset stuck in the negative will keep us in the ‘happening TO us’ phase. But if we can learn to manage where our mind goes and keep it in the positive we can see the beauty unfold. How would we grow if everything was easy all the time?
LOVE. Love everyone and everything no matter what is thrown your way. They’re going through their own experiences too. They need just as much love and good thoughts sent their way as you think you need or want. What is said and done again isn’t happening to you, it’s for you. There’s some learning in there about how others may treat you. All you can do is love. It doesn’t do any good to have anything else replace that. Yes, pain is felt and you are more than okay to grieve but don’t let the hurt and anger stay IN you. Forgive, love and be grateful.
A lot of times I have liked to think I was smarter than God and tried to control what outcomes would happen out of this situation and others, also. But I’m not. All I can do continually strengthen my relationship with Christ, have faith, trust, see my life as a continual learning path of growth. Seeing and finding the JOY and fun that life is meant to be and is full of.
The struggle is real and I’m not here to say, ‘I’ve finally made it, my life is so fun and happy every day!’
I don’t have it all together. It’s a constant thing I get to work on daily. Just like muscle, a little effort a day makes it stronger and stronger. Some days really suck. Some days are amazing. Some days are half and half. Balance. We wouldn’t appreciate the amazing without the crap.
So this. This is my reality and I’m grateful to be able to share my struggles, my lessons, my growth, my learning, and my successes with you.
When I started Fuel Love, I wanted to make sure that I was real, authentic, and not scared to share the real me and what went on in my life. I felt like I did a pretty good job of that, for a while anyway.
Then life got crazy. And I stopped. Because the kind of crazy that my life started to turn toward got judged and misunderstood. By a few close people. Things were said and done that were hurtful and a lot of pain surrounded that. A LOT of loneliness. I felt like I couldn’t be vulnerable and share what I was feeling and learning in the moment because the pain was too much to handle at times. So I hid. I hid what I was really feeling. I stopped sharing the vulnerable, authentic part of me.
I didn’t want MORE of that pain. If those closest to me brought that, what would EVERYONE else think??
I’ve had a constant ‘tapping’ on my shoulder lately that it’s okay to be vulnerable and share my story. And that I need to. It’s okay to have that part of me be seen again. It was always okay. I feel heavy when I tell myself that I just want to hide that part of my life and never say a word about what I have been learning or going through the past 7 months.
It’s been the HARDEST 7 months of my entire life. I have never learned more during that time. I have never felt closer to Heaven the last 7 months. I have never felt so hopeless and alone, yet so loved and looked out for by Christ and my guardian angels both seen and unseen. I have never been so close to wanting to end my life yet never felt so brave, courageous, proud of myself and full of hope in my entire life.
Even though it has been crazy hard, I can now see and understand that everything happened how it was meant to. I would not have learned what I have, without it all. I would not have learned my strength, I would not have learned to not doubt myself if it were not for people and experiences along the way that at the time hurt, but now I am SOO thankful for them. It was a blessing in disguise.
I truly believe we made certain commitments to different people before we came to this earth. Some to help others, some to help others learn, some to teach, etc. etc. I cannot hold onto any grudge because I know I wanted this learning and growth experience and those people and experiences were doing JUST that; holding to their end of the commitment that we agreed to help each other on.
Through it all, I have been learning what true forgiveness really is. I have been learning what unconditional love really is. I have been learning what it feels like to only be able to rely on Christ and be centered in Him and to feel like I have an actual relationship with Him.
I’ve been learning that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. That I can do hard things that I know without a doubt are right for me even if 90% of everyone else doesn’t believe me or even IN me.
I have overcome some fears and have had lots of other ones brought to the surface. I have been learning more about myself and how life works than ever before.
It has changed me. And some may say for the worse.
I know for myself, that without a doubt, it has changed me for the better.
I am still understanding and grasping who I really am. Learning to continually love ME despite what some may think of me. Learning that THAT shouldn’t even matter at all.
I am finally TRULY learning what love really is and what it means to LOVE. Myself and others. How to REALLY Fuel Love.
I’m excited to start sharing ‘me’ again. Piece by piece of my own journey. Nothing shared will be meant to bash or shame or anything of that nature towards anyone. This is MY story. This is MY real. This is MY path.
This is me. It has been hurting me by not sharing what is real. There is a time and place for everything and I needed some time and space to heal but when you start getting the subtle nudges that, okay… it’s okay to share. And I’ve fought those nudges for a month now. It’s scary to share your reality. It’s scary to put yourself out there.
But this is me.
I share to be me. I share to be real. I share in hopes that I can just help or inspire one person that may be struggling or just needs to know someone else ‘gets it’ or has ‘been there, too’. This life is about connection. This life is about service. This life is about sharing. Share our stories to connect and help.
LOVE. What is it even? What does it even mean? What does it even entail?
We go throughout our whole lives chasing, craving, striving for love. Is it the same for everyone? Why are there so many that feel unloved? Why are there so many that feel like they can’t give enough love?
Where does it come from? Why can others feel it and others not?
Now, I’m not claiming my take on love as what it REALLY is. These are just my thoughts. These are just my understandings and feelings. And they’re ever growing.
Love is a constant. Love is always there. It’s not an action, nor a feeling. It’s even deeper than only being energy.
It’s just there.
It was never created nor will it ever be destroyed.
It’s a deep connection. A deep knowing and understanding.
Love is a flow. Love is a dance. Love is a song.
Ever changing yet constant.
Our connections with people and things are all different flows. Different dances and songs. The ‘music’ is already there, how we dance and move to it is up to us. But we will be led if we open up to where the music is taking us. And flow with it.
Feeling and sending love is just allowing that flow and dance to intertwine between people and things. When we feel unloved, we’re not allowing the song and dance to be heard or seen. It’s not because someone is not sending it because it is already all around us. No one else can control where the flow comes or goes to you.
YOU are love. Love is already a constant within and all around you. You are ALWAYS worthy of it because of that. What are you allowing in your thoughts and life to keep you from seeing, hearing, and flowing with the music? What is making you believe that you have to block that flow from flowing around, to, and from within you?
The more I’m learning to be completely ME, the more I learn about love. I believe we ALL learn more about love when we allow ourselves to be unapologetically ourselves. (red squiggly line says it’s not a word, it is today;) haha)
We all ARE love. The more you are true to you, love flows easier around and through you.
If you’re not feeling the love, what about you are you not being true to?…
This is a harder one to write but I have such a strong desire to help others know they’re not alone and that it is OKAY and will be okay.
This next week I’m teaching a class about eating healthy. Recently, conversations that I’m a part of always go in the direction of eating and the struggles. I’m a firm believer and advocate of learning to listen to our own bodies so that we’re getting the nutrients that we need. Nature never repeats itself. No two people are alike. That means what works for us may not work EXACTLY the same for someone else.
If you’re just starting to learn how to live a healthier lifestyle and changing up your eating, it’s great to get a base of what that even is but don’t get so caught up in doing exactly what they tell you with no thought of what YOU and YOUR body need. Your body WILL tell you what it needs and does not need. It’s simple. Not always easy, but simple. You just ask. It takes some practice, but I KNOW it works and anyone can do it.
That is my take on how everyone should learn to eat healthy. Get the basics down and then learn to listen to what your body needs to fuel it properly.
This is where it’s gotten interesting for me the last month or so. Lately I’ve been SUPER exhausted. I’ve been super dizzy and blacking out a lot when I stand up. I didn’t know what was going on.
Back up almost 3 1/2 years ago, this same thing happened when my daughter was 6 months old. That time I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so wrapped up in needing to lose my 60+ lbs I gained that I just didn’t eat until 5PM everyday.
So my husband kept asking me if I’ve been eating enough. I “of course” was. To my knowledge I hadn’t been doing anything different. I scheduled an appointment with my mentor and good friend who I’ve been going to the last 6-7 months to figure out what was going on.
I sat down, she asked me if I was taking any supplements. I had been off and on. Then she asked me the same question my husband had been asking me off and on. “Have you been eating enough.” I immediately said, “Ya, I know I have been.” Then she asked me what I’ve been eating regularly and how much. I went on to explain what I have been eating and portion sizes. She looked at me and said, “Really? You’ve been eating that much?”
Right then it hit me, I was doing it again. I was subconsciously starving myself. I was so confused and so lost as to WHY. Why was I doing this again to myself and how was I SOO unaware. My thyroid was struggling, my body was struggling, I was so weak and tired all the time and I was doing it to myself, without even realizing it.
I was hiding it from myself. I was hiding the pain.
I was self-sabotaging myself from being healthy and being able to have all the things I desired. I was punishing myself.
I had been feeling like I wasn’t worthy of love. I wasn’t worthy of a healthy body, so every time I have consciously caught myself denying love and I stopped it, my subconscious then flipped into what I really believed about myself.
Some terrifying experiences growing up surrounding being terrorized and bullied led me to have that deep belief, so I learned to punish myself whenever I tried to go for something bigger and better. I self sabotaged.
Why am I writing about this? Why am I putting this out in the open?
I’ve been feeling like I’ve been living this double person lately. People asking me for advice about eating healthy and working through the guilt, self sabotage, shame, pain, and hurt. I know all the “answers” but have I been living it? Yes and no. Part of me has on the surface level, but the other part… the other deep down, Janica hasn’t. I’ve felt like a fraud to myself.
Today being “We Be Healthy Wednesday” and posting about healthy eating this morning… It struck something in me. I no longer want to hide my pain. I no longer want to hide my deep down struggles. I know we ALL have struggles. Some similar, some not, but we all have the pain from those and we can all help each other and support each other through them.
I go through struggles with eating. Deep down struggles with eating. I have struggled with the need to fight for my life. I have struggled with feeling strong enough. I have struggled with feeling like I even had a purpose to stay on this earth, that no one would care if I was even gone. And those are just a few.
I don’t write this for sympathy. I need Fuel Love just as much as I hoped other people would benefit from it. I’m honestly learning right along with what I’m sharing and hoping to spread to others. I want to be honest. I want to be open. I want you to know that YOU can do it, too. You ARE loved even though you may not believe it or feel it. You really are. YOU are more than worthy of all the greatness in the world. YOU are beautiful and strong. YOU are capable of ANYTHING you desire. YOU don’t have to suffer alone. You don’t have to constantly feel the pain. And it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to have struggles. You don’t have to be strong through everything. You don’t have to push it aside or stuff it down in fear of being made fun of or looking weak. You are gorgeous inside and out JUST the way you are. Your journey is your own. Your journey is fit perfect for helping you rediscover YOU and loving every part of you every step of the way. You wouldn’t go through all the trials, pain, and hurt if you weren’t meant for something great.
And you are.
So don’t hide yourself. Don’t hide FROM yourself.
My struggles with eating do not define me. It’s part of my journey, to peel back and learn from. To learn my strength and keep pressing forward.
That’s where your strength lies, in how many times you get knocked down or even knock yourself down and keep getting up and moving forward.