I’ll admit, my last post was maybe a little harsh and straight forward. I felt strongly that I needed to share my thoughts BUT I wasn’t completely in a space coming from just love.
Let’s just say I can get a little sassy. It’s one thing I’m always trying to tone down. haha. A little bit of sass is good but where’s the intent?
I was sharing because it felt strong, but I still needed to do a little forgiveness with others and myself before posting it. There was a bit of ‘I’ll show you’ attitude mixed in with it annnnnd that’s never good. I was hurt and I let it get to me in ways that weren’t for my best good nor for the energy and intent behind the post and it carried over into it.
I apologize. I don’t claim to be perfect by any means. Even though I let that little demon sit inside for far too long sometimes 😉
I get passionate and sometimes when I’m going through really hard and emotional things I get the attitude of wanting to help people see the effects of the pain. That is where I am off. That is where I am trying to control situations, people, outcomes. And for me, that is not in anyone’s highest good. It feels heavy and it gets me stuck. It doesn’t spread any goodness and just carries more pain and lower vibes.
I don’t need to ‘prove’ myself to anyone. I don’t need anyone on ‘my side’. Even though that’s the self trap I put myself into over and over again. I’m trying to (in my mind) force those that I think are supposed to support me and understand to actually support and understand me. And again, that’s where I’m off.
A quote that I have been loving lately is ‘You be you, and I’ll be me’. Love everyone for who they are and don’t try and force or control or change anyone into being or becoming who YOU think they should be or what role they’re meant to play in your life. Cuz the truth is, we don’t really know… We don’t know the lessons that we need that are for our highest good. We don’t always understand why things play out the way they seem to play out. All we can do is love ourselves enough that we allow ourselves to have the capacity to love others the same way. Because if we don’t love ourselves… how is it even possible to completely love others?
Just needed to share this little post today. I’m not always ‘on’. I make mistakes and I’m trying to learn from all of my mistakes.
*I feel like I need to preface my posts for a while with the comment that I’m never writing anything to ‘make people feel sorry for me’ or ‘make anyone feel bad or calling anyone out’. This is my experience. These are things that I am learning. These are things I feel inspired to share. I am 100% okay if people don’t agree or have differing opinions. That’s the beauty of everyone having their own stories, we get to learn from each other, grow together, and support!
Now I get why not a lot of people want to share their struggles and their reality. haha
Some people will be supportive of YOU, yet may not understand and you still don’t feel the judgement from them.
Some people wont be supportive at all and will make it known.
Some people will say they’re supportive and then assume and ask all kinds of questions as if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Some people will say it to your face, some people won’t.
After sharing what I did, I wasn’t sure what the response would be. All I knew is that I needed to share. I was pleasantly surprised by the response. I was doing okay for the first day after. Then a few comments here and there started to trickle in. A couple in particular stopped me in my tracks and I crumbled to my bed and bawled.
I know I know, how can I let one or two ‘not amazing’ comments get to me over all the people that reached out?! And after some really really cool conversations with those struggling themselves?!
Remember my weakness of people pleasing and doubting myself?
There comes a point when you allow yourself to share the deepest parts of you or get the courage to even share ANYTHING, that things are still a little fragile at first. Whether it’s sharing something huge or not.
One comment was after a live video I did on my personal FB page about Love. I felt very strongly I needed to share what I have learned.
I was not connecting it directly to my marriage. I was connecting it to what I have learned over the span of the last year and a half since starting Fuel Love.
It took me THIRTY MINUTES of sitting in my chair, trying to boost up my self confidence and prayed, did some simple yoga, doused myself in oils and asked over and over to be guided to say the right thing that I would just share something that would touch someone all while feeling calm while I did so.
I about bowed out and didn’t do it. But I did. And it felt awesome.
Then I got a comment about how selfish I was being in my thoughts and actions recently.
It’s not the first time I have been called selfish since starting Fuel Love.
Right then, it was a dagger.
I immediately started questioning ever sharing anything asking over and over why why why? Why do I feel so strongly to share my story and what I’ve learned and to LIVE my passion and what I feel called to do?
Then it hit me and I remembered. I remembered who I was. I remembered WHOSE I was. I’m not saying I’m anything special. I’m not anyone more than anyone else. We each have something in us to share. We each have something to share to help someone else go through the same feelings and/or experience. I’ve fought hard to be in alignment with what I know God wants me to do/share and I can’t let one or two triggers and soft spots stop me.
If everyone did that, we wouldn’t have half the things we have today. We wouldn’t have half the people we look up today that went against the grain and kept pushing through despite all the naysayers and doubters and those that didn’t believe in them.
Ya I get that what I’m going through and what my experience is ‘not of the ”norm” but I want to mention a few cool things that I have personally experienced concerning judgement.
The second you think that they ‘didn’t think things all the way through’ or that ‘they don’t know what they’re in for’…you’re judging them.
I didn’t realize how subconsciously judgemental I was until a very dear friend pointed it out to me a few years ago. She was a deep feeler and she was going through a tough time herself. I ‘supported’ her through out it all but there was always this dis-ease when we would talk about things. I could FEEL my judgement whenever we would talk about her situation. In the back of my mind, I was always thinking… ‘Oh well it’s because she doesn’t understand this’…or ‘It’s because she’s not thinking about this or this’.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it until one day we just slowly lost contact and I reached out to her a few months after. She opened up to me about how she just had to stop having conversations with me and be connected so closely because the judgement coming from me was just too strong.
I knew exactly what she was talking about and she was right. It hurt. It hurt because it was something I knew I struggled with and also something I thought I had overcome. But also I had a hard time ‘going there’ because it was such a pained struggle for me.
Over the next year after that I wanted to REALLY understand what I was doing and HOW was I being judgemental.
BECAUSE of what I have chosen, it leaves room for LOTS of judgment. Concerned people suggesting I didn’t do enough, or try enough or look hard enough at all that would happen because of my/our choice. That everything I am doing is selfish.
This is what I believe and this is what I have experienced. The second that we THINK anything about anyone elses experience that leads you to ‘Well that’s because they don’t understand this or that’ that is a judgment. The second we think ‘we know better for someone else because of our own experience’ that is a judgement.
Yes there is something to be said of ‘me, having gone through something can help others not have the same heartache or problems etc etc.’ But think of the INTENT of you sharing. Is it because you think that your struggle was ‘wrong’ and that you should have chosen something different and so you want them to, too? Or is it more along the lines of, ‘I’ll share my experience and allow you to take from it what you feel is right for you’? And then let them have their experience without being angry or bugged that they didn’t follow what you think they should have? Or taken away from your experience what you think they should have?
If you think you ‘know better’ for someone else’s life, you’re automatically judging them. Your story is not their story. Your day to day experience is not their experience. How you handle things is not the same way that they will handle things. The way they navigate things is not the same way you navigate things.
It was the best feeling to come in contact with an experience that a few years ago, I would have judged. I would have had all those little thought bubbles pop up about how it’s because they don’t understand, or they aren’t seeing it, or or or.
I was working on someone over the phone and half way through the zone, it came up that she no longer was part of the faith that she used to be. That she chose to leave. I thought it was interesting but nothing else. I continued on with the session and throughout the rest of it had the distinct impression over and over that I needed to ask her about her story. At the very end, I just simply asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling me her story.
She opened up about it and told me her story and then at the end she thanked me for asking and listening without any judgement. She told me that she can feel deeply and many times people have asked her story because they feel like they ‘have’ to but that many times she will feel the judgement directed at her.
We hung up and I started crying. Her story was something that I previously would have thrown up all the judgment. I had nothing but compassion and love for her. No subconscious judgment, nothing. I had wanted to feel that feeling for so long.
I’m not sharing this to boast that oh, look at me I don’t judge. I still find myself once in a while getting into that state of mind. Especially when I feel it AGAINST me, then I’ll catch myself having thoughts of ‘well it’s just cuz they haven’t dealt with this or this, or they’re not aware of this or that’. That my friends is judgement! I’ll have to stop myself and remind myself that they have they’re own experience and I have mine.
All that everyone wants is to be LOVED through their experiences. They just want to share their story and not feel like they have to hide.
BUT again, there’s two sides to that BECAUSE…. me wanting to hide if I FEEL judgment… is a judgment.. haha. I’m automatically judging them because of how they’re perceiving me.
So here’s the other part to that that I allowed myself to get in to.
I WANTED to control how people reacted. I wanted to badly that EVERYONE understands why I/we made the choice that we made. I wanted to hold everyone up to this ‘standard’ that they wouldn’t do or say some of the things that they have said.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that all light was gone from me and that I was being led by dark.
I didn’t want to be told that I was ruining my children’s lives.
I didn’t want to be told anymore that I was selfish.
I wanted all feedback to be, ‘Oh my gosh, I totally FEEL you and know this or that’ ‘You’re totally doing the right thing for you’. Etc.
So me getting angry or upset or hurt that the other things were said to me… is a judgement on my part.
The end all??
There’s fear and there’s love.
Judgement comes from fear. Judgment of what someone is doing or saying is your own fear or something you don’t understand yourself.
We fear what we don’t understand. We automatically go into judgment because of that fear.
The more we can look at others through the eyes of, ‘This is their story and it’s hard enough as it is. I have NO CLUE what’s really going on and I don’t need to. It’s none of my business. What I can do is send them love and light and TRUST. They’re going through what they need to to become THEM. They are going through their own refiners fire. They will come out ten times more amazing on the other side. I will be there for them when they need me and be along side of them when they need someone to lean on or someone to remind them that they’ve got whatever comes their way. I will be the one person they know they can turn to to just talk and help them through their feelings’ the more that we can release ourselves from judgment and fear and see everyone through the eyes of Love.
So I guess that last post (when being vulnerable is scary) was kind of a ‘left you hanging’ kind of post. Not 100% intentional. More along the lines of ‘Oh my gosh, I may faint if I post this’ ‘What are people going to initially think about me?’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ ‘I’m making this a bigger deal than it really is’ And on and on and on…
My biggest weakness is worrying what other people think of me. I’m a people pleaser, I don’t like to be the ’cause’ of anyone else’s pain. Being someone who feels things deeply makes it a perfect storm for myself.
Like, it gets pretty bad. After I published the post yesterday, I slowly physically started feeling ill. My mind started going crazy with more worrying and questioning what in the heck I was doing.
“Some are going to think I’m just doing this for attention.”
“Others have bigger trials than me, so what gives me the ‘right’ to share or ‘go public’ with mine?”
“I don’t want to feel any more judgement.”
“I feel so stupid after posting that.”
“I think I want to go crawl in a hole.”
Plus a butt load of other ones.
I took an Epsom salt bath with some oils because by the time I had put my kids to bed, I was wasted physically. After the bath it was 8 o’clock and I crawled right into bed. My body was drained of any energy. My body hurt.
THAT is how powerful our minds are. I’m not a stranger to this happening. The more aware I’ve become of my physical body and mind I can tell what’s going on. I knew it was all emotional. My thoughts all day long were negative and full of doubt. And my body responded. Plus freaking out about writing THIS post.
So, what is my reality?
My reality is that daily I’m trying to push past my fears of worrying and people pleasing in doing and becoming who I know I am and doing what I know I am meant to be doing despite doubts from myself and others.
My reality is that my marriage ended September 20th.
That reality has caused A LOT of pain. Not just for me but for others. If you’re a worrier and people pleaser/don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain… can imagine and know exactly how I have been feeling.
Thus, the hardest 7 months of my life. I know you’re maybe thinking after reading that, “WHAT?! Why? What happened?”
We made a choice. I made a choice. A choice that we didn’t completely understand at times and then at other times I had a COMPLETE understanding as to why. It’s not your ‘normal’ situation and from there a lot of misunderstanding and pain from others surrounding.
Everyone has their ‘hard’ and ‘painful’ in life. This is mine/ours.
Everyone has something that only God knows will stretch them beyond what they could ever imagine to become more than they’ve ever imagined. This is my/our something right now.
I don’t expect everyone or anyone actually to understand (which yes I have been fighting that too…wanting to have EVERYONE listen and FEEL where I’m coming from so that they can ‘see’ what’s going on and understand and know I’m not completely bat crazy) and THAT has been a huge lesson for me too. Not everyone will understand or want to and that’s okay. How would it help me in the areas that God knows I need to grow if everyone understood it?
I don’t always have the answers for why things feel they need to be a certain way or how or when we are meant to learn things a certain way. All I know is that I KNOW without a doubt that this was meant to be. There have been many amazingly perfect confirmations and spiritual experiences along the way for me to ever completely doubt. I can’t say that I didn’t EVER doubt along the way buut that’s a story for another post.
And for reasons both known and unknown I have felt strongly to share my reality, my daily, my learning and my growth from the get go when Fuel Love came to be.
Sometimes things don’t always make sense while we are going through them and then in hindsight all the dots connect.
The trick and biggest learning experience in all of that is to stay in gratitude and love. Grateful for EVERYTHING you’re going through and being able to SEE them as helping you not hurting you. Life happens FOR us, not TO us. Our mindset stuck in the negative will keep us in the ‘happening TO us’ phase. But if we can learn to manage where our mind goes and keep it in the positive we can see the beauty unfold. How would we grow if everything was easy all the time?
LOVE. Love everyone and everything no matter what is thrown your way. They’re going through their own experiences too. They need just as much love and good thoughts sent their way as you think you need or want. What is said and done again isn’t happening to you, it’s for you. There’s some learning in there about how others may treat you. All you can do is love. It doesn’t do any good to have anything else replace that. Yes, pain is felt and you are more than okay to grieve but don’t let the hurt and anger stay IN you. Forgive, love and be grateful.
A lot of times I have liked to think I was smarter than God and tried to control what outcomes would happen out of this situation and others, also. But I’m not. All I can do continually strengthen my relationship with Christ, have faith, trust, see my life as a continual learning path of growth. Seeing and finding the JOY and fun that life is meant to be and is full of.
The struggle is real and I’m not here to say, ‘I’ve finally made it, my life is so fun and happy every day!’
I don’t have it all together. It’s a constant thing I get to work on daily. Just like muscle, a little effort a day makes it stronger and stronger. Some days really suck. Some days are amazing. Some days are half and half. Balance. We wouldn’t appreciate the amazing without the crap.
So this. This is my reality and I’m grateful to be able to share my struggles, my lessons, my growth, my learning, and my successes with you.
When I started Fuel Love, I wanted to make sure that I was real, authentic, and not scared to share the real me and what went on in my life. I felt like I did a pretty good job of that, for a while anyway.
Then life got crazy. And I stopped. Because the kind of crazy that my life started to turn toward got judged and misunderstood. By a few close people. Things were said and done that were hurtful and a lot of pain surrounded that. A LOT of loneliness. I felt like I couldn’t be vulnerable and share what I was feeling and learning in the moment because the pain was too much to handle at times. So I hid. I hid what I was really feeling. I stopped sharing the vulnerable, authentic part of me.
I didn’t want MORE of that pain. If those closest to me brought that, what would EVERYONE else think??
I’ve had a constant ‘tapping’ on my shoulder lately that it’s okay to be vulnerable and share my story. And that I need to. It’s okay to have that part of me be seen again. It was always okay. I feel heavy when I tell myself that I just want to hide that part of my life and never say a word about what I have been learning or going through the past 7 months.
It’s been the HARDEST 7 months of my entire life. I have never learned more during that time. I have never felt closer to Heaven the last 7 months. I have never felt so hopeless and alone, yet so loved and looked out for by Christ and my guardian angels both seen and unseen. I have never been so close to wanting to end my life yet never felt so brave, courageous, proud of myself and full of hope in my entire life.
Even though it has been crazy hard, I can now see and understand that everything happened how it was meant to. I would not have learned what I have, without it all. I would not have learned my strength, I would not have learned to not doubt myself if it were not for people and experiences along the way that at the time hurt, but now I am SOO thankful for them. It was a blessing in disguise.
I truly believe we made certain commitments to different people before we came to this earth. Some to help others, some to help others learn, some to teach, etc. etc. I cannot hold onto any grudge because I know I wanted this learning and growth experience and those people and experiences were doing JUST that; holding to their end of the commitment that we agreed to help each other on.
Through it all, I have been learning what true forgiveness really is. I have been learning what unconditional love really is. I have been learning what it feels like to only be able to rely on Christ and be centered in Him and to feel like I have an actual relationship with Him.
I’ve been learning that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. That I can do hard things that I know without a doubt are right for me even if 90% of everyone else doesn’t believe me or even IN me.
I have overcome some fears and have had lots of other ones brought to the surface. I have been learning more about myself and how life works than ever before.
It has changed me. And some may say for the worse.
I know for myself, that without a doubt, it has changed me for the better.
I am still understanding and grasping who I really am. Learning to continually love ME despite what some may think of me. Learning that THAT shouldn’t even matter at all.
I am finally TRULY learning what love really is and what it means to LOVE. Myself and others. How to REALLY Fuel Love.
I’m excited to start sharing ‘me’ again. Piece by piece of my own journey. Nothing shared will be meant to bash or shame or anything of that nature towards anyone. This is MY story. This is MY real. This is MY path.
This is me. It has been hurting me by not sharing what is real. There is a time and place for everything and I needed some time and space to heal but when you start getting the subtle nudges that, okay… it’s okay to share. And I’ve fought those nudges for a month now. It’s scary to share your reality. It’s scary to put yourself out there.
But this is me.
I share to be me. I share to be real. I share in hopes that I can just help or inspire one person that may be struggling or just needs to know someone else ‘gets it’ or has ‘been there, too’. This life is about connection. This life is about service. This life is about sharing. Share our stories to connect and help.
We read those a lot while scrolling through instragram or facebook.
What does that even MEAN?!
It really is kind of self explanatory if you think about it. It’s the ‘how’ to do it that I think most of us get stumped on.
Heck, it’s just plain HARD sometimes to be real, authentic, open, raw, etc. You get criticized and judged for being real sometimes. People make you out to be a bad person, bad parent if you share the REAL you. Then guilt sets in. Then shame starts to creep it’s way in.
Why would you WANT to share the real you if those feelings are going to nuzzle themselves right in again. They’re not pleasant. But yet we let them.
So here’s what I think, and here is what I have learned…’so far’. Cuz we all still learning, yo.
What if, you focused on being real, true, authentic to YOURSELF??? Then you don’t even need to worry about everyone else. Because let’s face it…. that’s the hardest thing to do.
‘So you’re telling me to be REAL with myself?? I am freaking real with myself… I LIVE with myself 24-7. I can’t ever get away from myself.’
Here’s what I mean.
How often do you allow yourself to see all the deep dark secrets that you’ve hidden for so long? Those coming from experiences growing up where you felt embarrassment, shame, guilt, stupid, ugly?
Are those tucked away somewhere? Things piled on top of so high that you’ve pretty much forgot about them?
What about our habits or our cycles that tend to lean more toward the negative aspect? Are those looked at, or do we tend to ignore them BECAUSE it will bring up all those negative feelings that we experienced AGAIN. And who really wants to deal with that pain again, because ‘you should to be better than that. You should be over that by now. You shouldn’t let THAT bug you. You should be perfect in that by now. You shouldn’t have to need to learn that again.’ and on and on.
Society paints a pretty little picture about how each of us should be. So good in fact, that a lot of us have forgotten who we are. Like really really who we are. What makes us individual, what makes us tick, our quirks, our likes, our dislikes. We’ve even forgotten the best parts about ourselves. How we’re sooo much more capable than we can even see. That we can have the capacity to love beyond what we can even imagine right now. That we can CREATE the type of life that we want to live. We can choose how we feel daily. We can choose how we will act and react. That we can actually LAUGH on a daily basis. More than once. And that it’s actually okay AND good for you.
Some of us will never allow ourselves or choose in to get there.
Because we’re afraid of ourselves.
We’re afraid to uncover what was once covered up with the intent to ‘just forget about it’. We’re afraid to show that maybe some pretty crappy things have happened to us throughout our life. We’re afraid that we’ll make even more mistakes and then we’ll get laughed at and made fun of. We’re afraid that we’ll be embarrassed because we should have learned that already. We don’t want to hate ourselves anymore than we do already. And our reaction to all those? They hurt. Sometimes they hurt real bad.
You know what we’re even more afraid of though? We’re afraid of ourselves if we WEREN’T afraid of ourselves. We’re afraid of what we might learn. We’re afraid of the NEW person we might become. We’re afraid of the possibilities. We’re afraid what it might be like to actually be happy all the time. We’re afraid what it might feel like to wake up excited about our day and life.
It’s so foreign to us now. We’re afraid of the unknown. We’ve been trying to be this person sitting on top of all the ‘way down dark corner secrets’ that we don’t know what will happen if we stand up, uncover it, and see who we TRULY are without all of that piled up.
Here’s the thing…..We can’t afford NOT to.
You’re really going to go your whole life being afraid of YOURSELF? Being afraid to LIVE and BE who you are??? Well, maybe you are but maybe you’re not. Here’s what I’ve learned about all those things that we’ve all quietly swept under the rug…
They’re actually there to HELP US BECOME who we are.
No one just wakes up amazingly confident. No one just wakes up strong and unstoppable in WHO they are. No one just wakes up with amazing courage and no fear at all. No ones just wakes up having amazing success.
All those traits…those traits were learned, practiced, and fought for. And how?
By lifting up that rug, being honest with yourself and the trials and things you personally struggle with. Then sorting through them, sharing some of them, experiencing the emotions from them so that they can learn the lessons from each and every one. Because through the pain, through the doubt, through the sharing, through the despair, loneliness, and heartache is WHERE we learn the confidence, strength and courage.
You don’t know the complete joy without the complete sorrow. You don’t know how to truly feel loved without feeling unloved. You don’t know how to have amazing courage without feeling the deepest fear. You don’t understand confidence without feeling completely shattered.
Don’t believe that? Well you’ll never know until you try.
So why are we so afraid to be real, authentic and true to ourselves, when being open real and raw with ourselves is how we will FIND ourselves?
The courageous you. The smart you. The loving you. The happy you. The joyful you. The strong you. The amazing you. The funny you. The inspiring you. The confident you.
The. REAL. YOU.
Not a lot of people will lift up that rug to find that.