I used to think that once I healed a certain part of me that it was gone forever. That I wouldn’t ever return to working through it. To a certain extent it may be true. Yet I’m speaking to those things that we know our souls came down to learn specifically, individually.
The more and more I work with different clients, the more I understand and see one main thing. That we all have a handful of ‘our things’ ‘our main lessons’ the things we personally struggle with most. And even if the struggles ARE the same, the experiences with which we have gone through them differ. And at the same time help us connect BECAUSE our struggles are the same.
Is it one and done with those struggles. Nope. And believe me I was so annoyed when I realized that wasn’t my truth. haha.
Nature shows us this in a lot of things. Life is like a spiral. You keep on coming back around to the ‘same struggle’ at different lengths and to different depths through different experiences.
All in all in the name of love. What we go through is personally showing and teaching us; reaction, understanding, compassion, connection (to our ancestors and those coming after us), ebb and flow, rest, reflection, peace, passion, intuition, and lots of other amazing things.
Each go round with each struggle also shows us an ever deeper side to our beauty and what makes us US.
It’s not there to torture us. (As I so thought in the beginning) It is there to ultimately bring us back to love. To observance as spiritual beings having this earthly experience. To choose into joy NOW. And seeing that it is possible.
A huge realization came to the forefront today. Little piece by little piece of heaven sent signs, podcasts, posts, friends… it bubbled up to the surface.
The last few days being around friends, they’ve asked how I was doing. My response was that I was overall good. Not amazingly happy, but nothing was majorly wrong either. Work was going really well, I’ve been healthy. Yet my insides have felt honestly, really sh*tty.
I’ve been able to tag things here and there to what was going on but nothing could edge the overall gloom that was lingering inside.
To the point of where it was bringing me back around to another cycle of wanting to be gone. Disappear so I wouldn’t have to feel what I’ve been feeling inside. Then people ‘would celebrate and remember all the good things about me’ and not how crappy I’ve felt about myself deep down on the inside.
Then today…I started to marco someone who I knew I could just talk and they wouldn’t automatically coach me or try to ‘fix it’ in response. I really needed to talk to someone. As I began to explain what’s been going on and then talking about a realization I had…more and more and more of it came up.
The overall theme?
Imagine a glass jar filled with water, with about a half inch of sand at the bottom. It’s felt like someone came along and just shook that jar like mad. I feel like every piece of my life is up suspended in air. Nothing feels grounded, nothing feels ‘sure’. My insides feel like chaos.
I do see the beauty in that. Yet sometimes when you’re in the middle of the ‘murky’ water it doesn’t seem so beautiful. It feels a helluva lot like you’re losing you’re freaking mind and not quite sure how to calm the internal seas with this one.
I’ve had pieces here and there go rogue, but feeling like it ALL is up in the air. Well, for this girl who likes to see things and organize them into alignment. It has been a massive struggle that I can’t even put into physical words.
I’m learning to step into the feminine and TRUST the flow. Integrating it into the masculine of doing.
What have I been trying to fill my time with instead of sitting in the suspension? Other peoples lives. Helping others align and figure out their lives and desire and paths. And not in work either. Friends or even strangers.
I’ve been playing this game of… well I sure as hell can’t figure out or organize my life right now so I’m going to just put that to bed, close the door, and go see who else’s life I can help.
AND I found another layer to THAT! I wanted to help them navigate their lives and be there for them 100% as things went whack or pain moments came in because of my own past experiences.
I didn’t plan for my life to go the way it has. I didn’t see it coming. And I’ve been carrying this belief around that if I HAD it wouldn’t have been so painful. I could have prepared myself for the abandonment I felt from those closest to me and then it wouldn’t have hurt so bad.
And ANOTHER layer into that that showed up, is how much I’ve been protecting my heart the last few years. How I haven’t wanted too many people in my circle. Yes on one aspect I’m protective of who I spend the majority of my time with but on this hand. I didn’t want too many people in close proximity of really getting to know me.
Why? Because I can’t see what’s coming, so I can’t protect you OR me. I don’t want anyone to feel pain because of ME. Even though I KNOW it’s because of their experiences/perspectives/perceptions/choices that they feel pain. And I share about pain and love and what is ‘really’ happening. I STILL STRUGGLE with it myself. And yes maybe I dont understand it fully because I still struggle with it, but again this is one thing on my spiral.
I love people so deeply that I hate to see them go through and feel pain. And if I can do whatever I can to help that. Man oh man I will.
And here’s another interesting thing coming up with all of this is that, I know I get to learn how to love myself and be that person for myself while going through struggles etc. Yet I crave having that support knowing I’m not alone and not crazy and just someone to hold me when I feel like I have no clue what’s happening and just want to cry.
Basically I want it all. haha. I want to be strong and independent but by goly I want that person by my side, too. And I can have both. I’ve been working on going with the flow with what I want and being okay if it’s on both extreme ends.
Back to the point…I’ve been so focused on helping others connect to and ‘see’ what lies ahead because I haven’t been there for myself. I don’t want others to feel the pain I’ve felt. BUT I CAN’T STOP IT. And I know that. I know that life is meant to have experiences. And a lot of them wont be amazing. But what I also know is that we DON’T have to experience so much pain. WHEN we understand ourselves.
My jar that was shaken to crap? Thats me not falling into alignment with what I know connected to past belief and letting those past beliefs GO.
They’re not me anymore. Yes I went through what I went through. But I’m not the same person. And my knowledge has grown. Can I let the fear down now? Yes. Have I before now, no.
I haven’t allowed myself to ground into who I am now. I’ve been fragmented pieces of all the persons from the past.
And funny enough I’m seeing it now. What we go through in one aspect of our life is connected to all. My inside feel fragmented and murky because they are.
I’m in a phase of REALLY stepping into the pieces that feel good in the NOW. Not even the pieces of me that felt good in the past. Those are no longer present day Janica. And I’ve felt like I was losing a sense and or part of who I am by doing that. Nope. I’m not. That is the beauty of detaching. The only REAL truth is in the NOW. What is happening now. The present moment.
WHA?? Meaning I can let go of my, control of the future freak, part of me? 😉
Yes, yes I can. Because if I REALLY trusted, I would know that I am always supported. And just because I question, doesn’t mean I still wont be supported. Because I’m worthy no matter what.
Even if I question. Even if I doubt. I’m still enough. I’m still worthy. I will still be taken care of and supported. I get to receive that, and I also get to BE that for myself.
The beauty in awareness, is knowing your struggles. Recognizing them when they come. Holding them in the space of compassion and understanding. And even if it takes you months until something hits you upside the head;) Understand that even THAT whole process is helping in the love and compassion department even if you wanna kick yourself.
Issss alll gooood. Oi.
Time to put up reminders everywhere and affirm them into my subconscious. And to freaking lettttt go and relllllaxxxxxx.
Because I am always supported. I am always guided and I am always loved.