the main theme of MY story…
-Always chasing happiness through other peoples eyes….until my insides started to scream louder than my ability to ignore it.
I was in a marriage that wasn’t for me. I had chosen in because ‘that’s what I was raised to believe was the only real thing that mattered’ to be happy. That how we grew up was almost identical.
I said yes even though deep down my insides were saying no. But I didn’t understand it or why.
And that was most of my life. I said yes out of fear, yes out of confusion, yes because I didn’t know any different.
Yet my heart always did. My body always did.
And at no fault to anyone. Everyone was doing the best they knew how with that they knew and believed.
And it’s all perfect.
Everything I have experienced and have gone through has connected me back to my blueprint – my design.
Where I thought I was stupid and weak and couldn’t do things on my own…strength showed up.
Where basing my worth and value off of how others responded to my choices and their compliments…my inner knowing showed up.
Where basing my beliefs and rules and ideas of life only upon what others had taught me my whole life…listening to and following my heart showed up.
Where my intuition was second guessed by those closest to me…my confidence and knowing showed up.
I had to let go of a lot, to see me.
Everyone’s path of what that looks like is different.
Mine:
I let go of a marriage I wasn’t meant to be in.
I let go of a religion I grew up in.
I’ve let go of a lot of relationships and opportunities that didn’t align.
I used to feel like I had to defend or write out and share everything that happened within all of those. Proving my choices. How and why it wasn’t working. How much effort I put into figuring them all out before I loosened the ‘but you didn’t try hard enough’ grip of belief.
Honestly- those details aren’t important because no matter how many experiences I share that led up to each choice, there’s always going to be someone or something that someone else believes I did or am doing wrong.
And I got tired of trying to make everyone else proud. I got tired of trying to prove that my choices were valid. Because it never changed a damned thing.
Because what was I internally searching for again?
Outside validation. Not feeling or believing in the strength, confidence, listening to my heart and intuition that showed up in full force the last four years.
Living my life based on others ideas and beliefs and validations led me to going into depression and suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life.
And that’s when it all started to change.
The self hate emerged to understand and love it. To understand that I wasn’t listening to MY true north. I wasn’t BEING me. My soul and mind weren’t connected and I was getting further and further away.
I was becoming fragments. I was becoming hollow inside. I felt trapped. And I was the only one holding the key the whole time.
Bit by bit. Session by session. Mentor by mentor. Awareness by awareness. Experience by experience.
I woke up inside.
My fire got started and I felt freedom for the first time. I felt real happiness and unconditional love. I started to understand life experience. I started to understand the why’s and hows of me getting to my rock bottom.
I understood ME…and climbed out.
Has it been easy? No. Have I had moments of depression and thoughts since? Yes. What I do have is the observation and tools and ‘know how’s’ to feel and grow through it.
We are always showing up for ourselves. Emotions surfacing to feel human. Experiences aligning to learn and grow and connect.
We know what we need even when we don’t know what we need.
YOU are not wrong. You are exactly as you need to be. Where you are is perfect for your experience. Choice by choice we can alter, shift, move and align.
What is it that YOU want? What feels the best to you?
This if YOUR life to experience exactly how YOU want. And everyone else has the gift to do the same for them.
I’m here to support. My work is to help you connect to that inner clarity and knowing. Here’s my link.
Much Love