Being my ‘fittest’ and hating who I was. Being ‘bigger’ and loving who I was. And also, being my ‘fittest’ and loving who I was and being ‘bigger’ and hating who I was…
Thinking a lot about health the last couple weeks. The last year I haven’t focused on health, like I used to. Really at all. I’ve kind of been going through a ‘rebellion’ stage with what I had known. I was learning a lot of new things and ways of being and shifting.
Basically everything that I once knew, was being shaken up and tossed into the air. Allowing me to really look at what resonated and what didn’t. Working through A LOT of common beliefs. Trying new energetic things and undoing a lot of my personal beliefs and conditioning surrounding my body and food.
Yet I have this habit 🙂 I get so focused on something and a way of being that if it starts to go awry, I start to question myself if I’m doing it right, what happened etc. Instead of going with the flow. Something I’m constantly working on the awareness of. So it’s been quite the journey.
The journey of letting go of things that are not true for me. Searching and rediscovering what our bodies are meant to do and the spiritual-ness surrounding it all. It’s had it’s ups and downs. Times where I felt so in sync and times when I just wanted to give up and not care. There were lots of times this year of that. Because sometimes the conscious collective energy gets to be exhausting. These ‘ideals’ and overwhelming billboards and media and ‘what’s healthy and beautiful’ etc. etc.
I put this collage together to depict a lot of that. Times when I was super ‘fit’ in my eyes and still hating myself on the inside and my look. Times when I was ‘larger’ than I had ever been in a swimsuit with first time a lot of visual cellulite etc etc and felt soo good and confident in my own skin.
Then there are times when I was post baby and size 14/16 that I hated myself and then went through an eating disorder period because of it.
And then there are times where again I was super fit in my eyes and was loving life, feeling good about myself, finding the joy in life.
To sum it up…No matter what I looked like on the outside it NEVER changed the way I felt about myself on the inside. Size 14/16, more muscle than ever, size 8 and fit, didn’t matter. Yet how I felt on the INSIDE radically changed my view of myself on the outside NO MATTER THE SIZE.
It was how much joy I was experiencing on the INSIDE that changed how I felt about myself as a WHOLE. This past summer I went on a few different Powell trips around a lot of people I didn’t know beforehand, not the most fit I’ve ever been. Noticeable cellulite for the first time and I loved myself and my body because of what I was creating happiness wise IN my life.
Few months later, not listening to inner guidance, STILL the same size and all the sudden I looked at myself like I was gross, because my INSIDES felt gross.
And of course, I knew these things correlated but apparently I wanted to experience it;) But my strength was waaaay declined. Playing in the flag football and basketball leagues I did I was tired all the time, couldn’t keep up like normal, injuries were more apparent and came a lot more frequent. I just felt BLAH.
How I VIEWED my outsides were matching my insides.
It doesn’t matter what size we are. As long as we feel healthy inside and out to OURSELVES. What does our mind feel like? How strong does our body feel? How do I feel about who I am as a person? Am I seeing the joy in daily life? Am I creating and doing those things that make my whole being happy?
And let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with sculpting your body the way you want and loving that. I love to lift, I have a certain way that I do love when my body looks like that. Yet it never feels good to ME, unless my mind is healthy and sculpted right along with it.
It all has a purpose. It’s all intertwined. Taking care of our physical bodies, mental bodies, emotional bodies and spiritual bodies. At the end of the day, it only matters how we feel about ourselves on the inside that will be a ripple effect of everything in our lives that we envision and create on the outside. (more than just our bodies;) )
Our bodies are amazing. The journeys we take with them right along with all of it are just as amazing. We get to have compassion, we get to heal all the pain that we’ve said and thought about them. They’re literally just thousands of frequency and vibrations of energy moving around to what our minds think and believe. We are the creators of these gorgeous vehicles we get to experience this life in.
And what we get to remember is that it’s all relative. You get to create what YOU like. Aside from programmed beliefs and conditions, what is it that you want and like because YOU like and want it?: body wise, life wise.
It’s time we get to really celebrate and understand what we can create with them and HOW we can create them. I’m in…are you ? 🙂