you never know…

…if you never try.

I have a really fun cycle that I’ve been playing on repeat for the past 5 years.

Get excited about sharing my passions and finally knowing what that is, starting a page, instagram, blogpost, etc. etc. then two weeks later…SQUIRREL. I put it all to the side and jump in creating something with someone else or a group of people.

Now even though I would do that… I know everything had its purpose. Within all of it there were multiple lessons that my soul was needing and wanting to learn.

AND I’ve been excited and passionate about all of them.

Here’s where it always got interesting. The moment I would chose into creating with others…I could feel this longing, this tugging that I couldn’t ignore. Leading me back to my personal stuff that I had started to create over and over again.

So then I’d take a few steps back from the group creation mode to readjust and come into alignment with myself again. It was almost a tug of war of sorts. But I couldn’t deny the pull that has always brought me back to being me and sharing what I do.

Caveat in all of that. That little inner voice would immediately stick it’s head to the forefront and say, ‘You’re too terrified to do it ‘on your own” ‘You do better when you do videos with others’ ‘You don’t know how’ ‘You’ve started how many times now?’ ‘You really think you can do this?’

All of those plus not believing in myself even though I’ve been continually working on myself and those beliefs. Here’s the crazy thing… yes I’ve been ‘doing the inner work’ but I hadn’t dared put it to ‘test’ so to speak.

I wouldn’t even TRY! Because I was afraid those would still be true! My fear was overpowering my KNOWING. I wasn’t allowing myself to be and show up as the ‘new me’. The one that has been in constant shifting, allowing, receiving, letting go of, and honoring. I knew I was different but I wasn’t even giving MYSELF a chance.

Today that changed. I went live by myself. I let go of all the ‘shoulds’ of making videos and going live and etc. etc. I let myself be me.

Did I mess up on words? yes. Did it go way longer than planned? yes. Did I rewatch it and analyze what I could have done better? yes.

YET… I RE-WATCHED it! Never before did I ever want to re-watch a video of myself. AND It felt sooo good to actually do it. I was proud of myself.

Did it take a minute to actually share it and let people know that it was even there? yes. Yet I did it. And I was more confident in myself than I have ever been by myself on video.

Was I still nervous to do it? OH HELL YES. I almost didn’t, yet I did.

I would have NEVER allowed myself to be in the present time of who I am and all the work I’ve done on myself if I would have never tried.

And the best part of all is seeing how far I’ve come and allowing myself to celebrate it all! Not picking it apart like crazy, not beating myself up, not threatening to delete it and start all over, and not thinking how ridiculous or off the wall or crazy I may sound. haha.

I am me. I am finally celebrating me and allowing myself to show up how I show up in every moment. And I would have never known…unless I allowed myself to try.