I didn’t know exactly how I wanted to raise my kids after I got married and we talked about starting a family, I just knew how I didn’t want to raise them. But boy did I not know what I was getting myself into until our first started talking back and saying “no”!
Seth and I agreed that we wanted to be super conscious about our parenting. We understood how we, being their parents, had a huge influence about how they ‘turned’ out and how they shaped their self esteem, how they would take defeat, etc.
Not until our oldest was about 2 1/2 almost 3, my biggest fear started showing up. It showed up and I would take it out on myself. I went to bed a lot beating myself up mentally because of this, this, and that that I did do or didn’t do during the day with my kids. I would feel guilty. I would feel like the worst mom and that my kids weren’t going to grow up feeling loved, valued, appreciated.
My biggest fear was that I was going to ruin my kids!
I was too involved in looking at pinterest and all the ‘1,000 Ways To Be A Fun Mom’. I would compare what I did with my son daily and it didn’t match up to everyone else around me that would take daily walks or weekly trips to museums. I didn’t go through the ABC’s a thousand times in the morning. I felt like a failure of a mom.
As he got older and a little sister came along, I felt like I was becoming worse. My son was getting older and wiser about talking to momma and mommy was not becoming wiser and talking less nicely. There were more “don’t do that’s” and “no’s”, then hugs, kisses, and “yes’s”. It ate at me and I’m sure, well I know, I was being harder on myself than was probably true. But it took a toll on me personally. I hated who I was as a mom. I was exactly who I DIDN’T want to be as a mom, I was doing all the things WAY TO OFTEN, that I knew I wanted to try hard to not do.
I quit looking at pinterest so much for “fun ideas” and tried to just get on their level more and be more interactive. I wasn’t always the most “hands on” mom.
Fast forward a few years and my oldest is now 5 1/2, my girl is 3 1/2 and we added another little guy who just turned one. At the beginning of this year is when I dove head first in wanting to change the way life was going. (It wasn’t horrible by any means) I just knew I was missing something. I knew I could feel more free and not trapped by thinking I was the worst mom to walk the face of the earth. I didn’t like how I felt about myself because of it. I wanted my kids to FEEL and KNOW that I loved them and not just because I randomly tell them throughout the day.
I learned something that made massive sense, but I had never even considered it or thought it.
How I treated my children was a reflection on how I felt about myself. Say Whaaa?! My own insecurities came out on how I reacted to things and showed love and discipline to them.
Then I started REALLY feeling bad, because I had also come to the realization that I did not think of myself very highly or treat myself how I would even want others to treat me. That added a whole new aspect of my biggest fear but at the same time made me want to get rid of all the lies I would tell myself. I didn’t want to be prisoner or victim to my own negative thoughts and I definitely did not want my kids to feel that or LEARN that from me.
I was hanging out with a friend/mentor and I was expressing how it stressed me out to the MAX thinking about all the emotional things I was doing wrong with my kids and how I was ruining them and the thoughts they had about themselves and on and on. She said to me, “You’re kids were already ruined by coming to this earth. And plus, there is always Simply Healed.” (The sessions I started doing beginning of this year to release and re-write the lies and negative thoughts I had told myself all growing up. I laughed, but it’s so true. Our children were perfect before they came to this earth and received a body. JUST by them doing that, they were “ruined”. It does me NO GOOD, by stressing over that daily. It does my self esteem and how I view myself no good at all. Plus, there are ways to release the emotional trauma that we go through 😉
Just her saying that one sentence totally changed my perspective and it was one that really needed to be changed. Instead of just loving on my kids and teaching them by following inspiration, I was sooo worried that I was ruining them, that I wasn’t loving, I wasn’t opening up myself to listen and parent according to what my children’s needs were at that time. And in turn, I was just punching myself further into the negative mental and emotional cycles without even being aware of it.
The more and more I release and do those things I need to to learn and increase my self love, the more I notice I’m able to be more “free”. I’m able to go with the flow of life and being a mom. “Mom” is my number one right now while my kiddies are young and at home. The more that I have focused on them FIRST and then got to what I needed to do, the better each day goes for me and them. The more I get down on their level and play what THEY want to play and do what they want to do, the more I learn to love myself I am able to love them in return more fully.
But let’s be real. Not every day is perfect. Some days are still pretty bad on my part. I’m still learning to choose my emotions and not let them get the best. There are still disagreements and sobbing over what mom is making for dinner. There are still alligator tears when they don’t get what they want. But I’m learning and growing. Learning and growing right along side of them. There are more awesome days then there used to be. More laughs and giggles. More forgiveness and love.
More love that stemmed from learning to love myself first.