I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. How hard it is to be transparent with ourselves to the core. We’re afraid of what others will think of us or feel about us when we share things we’ve been through or things we’ve done.
But what about ourselves? Maybe it’s hard to open to others because we have yet to fully open up to ourselves.
The shame, guilt, and fear that has been attached to our feelings. Telling us that we’re bad or wrong if we feel certain things. Even if we THINK certain things. What a special kind of hell we have created in society. Basically telling our humanness that it is wrong.
No wonder we feel lost. No wonder we feel insecure. No wonder we feel so disconnected. Because we’ve been further and further distancing ourselves from ourselves and searching for that in others!
I’ve been diving down into some uncomfortable feelings that have surfaced. Because they’re ready to be seen. They’re ready to be heard. And they’re ready to heal.
I’ve avoided it for SO LONG. It’s still painful to address within my heart. And I’m navigating it. Letting it come up as it needs to. Being angry that it’s there and being okay with the anger. Because that wants to be heard also. Noticing the guilt and shame that has attached itself to the feeling because of teachings from others all throughout my life.
This is what I’m learning the most:
My journey is my journey and it’s literally perfect. Perfect in the sense of every heartache, every mess, every joy, every laugh, every meeting, every connection, every trip, every fall, every controlling moment…. It is all divinely aligned. It is all in perfect timing.
How? Because each instance is showing up exactly how it’s needed for my growth. For my awareness. For my understanding. Bringing me back home. Closer to my blueprint. Closer to who I have always been, it’s just my awareness is merging.
Even something that I have now, honoring the fact that when I first made the choice to have it, deep down I wasn’t ready and wasn’t even sure I wanted it. At all.
Flowing through the feelings of resentment, love, forgiveness, grief, surrendering, understanding of NOW.
And then seeing more and more the perfection of guidance from the Divine. Knowing what we said yes to before we even came to this planet, Mother Earth.
It’s been a journey of giving voice to the times that I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I couldn’t voice what I wanted. In fear. In guilt. In shame.
Now, I get to hold myself in each of those instances. Becoming my strongest support, comfort, and love in those times.
It’s OKAY that those thoughts were there. It’s okay that I’ve deep down held resentment towards it and that its been one of the most painful things navigating those mixed with the amount of love I have for it now. It’s been a crazy set of emotions all at the same time. Feeling massive grief that I even let those feelings come to the surface.
And. It’s. All. Okay.
It DOESN’T make me a bad person. It doesn’t make any of those feelings wrong. I am allowing myself to be more and more ME.
Its such a HUGE sense of relief and freedom. No longer choking down things that were screaming to be heard. That’s all. My younger self wanted to be recognized for all the times she stuffed down what felt close to her heart. All the times she said yes when deep down, it was a no. All the times she was confused because naturally some things didn’t resonate but she didn’t understand enough at the time and was doing the best she could.
And it’s all perfectly in alignment.
And the more and more I release tension on holding back whats ready to burst up and out, I see the beauty IN our humanness. These experiences we chose into to feel and to live and to indulge in at our own will.
We crave ‘getting naked’ with others. To be listened to and heard. To be seen and SEEN. To be heard and held. To be honored in our complete wholeness of all the experiences that have helped bring us back home to who we each are.
To do that, we have to ‘get naked’ with ourselves first.